Is there any way back?

[Estella36]

Thanks for your reply, and I don't think you're particularly miserable, you just need to review things. Dyspraxia is not who you are, it's something you have that makes you live life differently to most others. It doesn't have to be all doom n gloom Eeyore!

Anyways, regarding the subject of schooling; that is what I can relate to, although my teachers were more apathetic rather than cruel or sadistic as in your case. The schooling system has definitely changed over the years, disabilities and concerns are worked around and understood now, in fact probably a little too much - everyone seems to have a label these days... My issues at school were mainly to do with maths and PE - I find myself shuddering at the mere thought! I've often remarked that school was like Grange Hill, and not in a good way! It got to the point where I really felt like I didn't belong, I continued to go although I never took part in PE from about the second year at secondary school. Mathematics I was okay at, on a one to one, but classes were huge, 30 + and there were no classroom helpers in those days. If you weren't either acting out in class, or the brainiest, then you got left behind. As I did. I came to hate school, and while most fondly recall those 'halcyon days', I feel the sickness and isolation too keenly even after all these years to think fondly of that period. So yeah, I hear you on this.

[Elessar]

Thanks for your reply, and I don't think you're particularly miserable, you just need to review things. Dyspraxia is not who you are, it's something you have that makes you live life differently to most others. It doesn't have to be all doom n gloom Eeyore!

Anyways, regarding the subject of schooling; that is what I can relate to, although my teachers were more apathetic rather than cruel or sadistic as in your case. The schooling system has definitely changed over the years, disabilities and concerns are worked around and understood now, in fact probably a little too much - everyone seems to have a label these days... My issues at school were mainly to do with maths and PE - I find myself shuddering at the mere thought! I've often remarked that school was like Grange Hill, and not in a good way! It got to the point where I really felt like I didn't belong, I continued to go although I never took part in PE from about the second year at secondary school. Mathematics I was okay at, on a one to one, but classes were huge, 30 + and there were no classroom helpers in those days. If you weren't either acting out in class, or the brainiest, then you got left behind. As I did. I came to hate school, and while most fondly recall those 'halcyon days', I feel the sickness and isolation too keenly even after all these years to think fondly of that period. So yeah, I hear you on this.

Grange Hill? Heh heh. Good one! I can think of two teachers minimum who made Gripper look like Humanitarian of the Year. I'm quite tempted to write their full names here actually, in the probably vain hope that they'd find it if they ever Googled themselves and knew exactly what I thought of them and the fact that their spectre gives me nightmares and inhibits my damned life to this day. Take me to court! You can have the damages if you give me the opportunity to say exactly what you did to me in court. Money well spent in my opinion.

I identify quite keenly with John Betjeman on this. Mind you, he went to a school I would have donated extraneous parts of my anatomy to biology classes for dissection, to have been allowed to go to. I go to summer school there every year now, but it will never be the same as having been educated there as a child.

Maths and PE were my worst bits too. Sadly, I was made to suffer PE throughout my entire school life despite the fact that I couldn't have been much worse at it if I'd been in a wheel chair. Maths COULD be okay if I had a vaguely human and nice teacher, which I did for years eight and nine.

Following the change in years ten and eleven to the usual embittered; talentless; cretinous; sub-human turd that is (or at least was in the 80's and 90's) all too frequently encountered as a state school teacher in England, and I was a mess of miserable anxiety who couldn't add up two and two.

As I think I said somewhere else, I don't blame them for not knowing about dyspraxia any more than I would blame Cro-Magnon Man for not knowing about the atom bomb. I blame them for their basic lack of humanity and the utter vacuum in their soul where the sense of compassion for a distressed child should have resided.

Quite frankly I hope the bastards burn in hell for a million years, while being forced to watch a television with all the episodes from their lives where they made me feel worthless being endlessly repeated in front of them. (Perhaps intercut with the occasional frame of my image hoisting a middle finger out of the screen at them.)

They are worthless scum, about as deserving of compassion as a pubic louse.


To Mods and Admins: Sorry if this violates forum rules on upchucking venom, but you of all people must know how therapeutic writing that would have been for me.

[Estella36]

Ha you do make me laugh! Nice change! If I may though, I'd like to give you some of my thoughts: I believe you should concentrate and focus on directing your considerable mental energy into something tangible. Let go of the bitterness and hurt from the past. It's happened, for whatever reason. I still pine sometimes for my 'lost' childhood (although home life was comfortable), but I can't live in the land of shoulda woulda coulda - I have to move forward and remain strong. I know it's not always this easy, and far easier to say than do. Especially with dyspraxia, it's the 'doing' bit that's difficult. But seriously, let go of the past and start living. Live life how YOU want to live it, do not look to others for happiness - they'll fail you and disappoint. This is what I told myself about two years ago and I've never felt so liberated. My life is far from perfect, and I could seriously write a book about all the **** that's happened. But I look at life as a book; the chapters are many and varied, the bit I forgot was that I, and I alone, was the author.

[StuartDotC]

It really is quite saddening to read about the amount of Dyspraxic adults who were failed by the education system I really can't add anything to what was said by Estella36 though, I think we all just need to move on from the past and look to the future and work on the things that we can change. I've been through similar experiences when I was younger and although I'll never forget my past I just try to think ahead instead of dwelling on things that can't be changed.

[Elessar]

It really is quite saddening to read about the amount of Dyspraxic adults who were failed by the education system I really can't add anything to what was said by Estella36 though, I think we all just need to move on from the past and look to the future and work on the things that we can change. I've been through similar experiences when I was younger and although I'll never forget my past I just try to think ahead instead of dwelling on things that can't be changed.

Easier said than done, I'm afraid. If you'd had the physicality of Daley Thompson but were condemned to living in a wheelchair by the negligence and inhumanity of people who were supposed to exemplify the exact opposite of those traits, you'd be bitter and twisted too. (I realise you're in somewhat of the same boat me, if not the exact same one, so that is a generic statement.)

Unfortunately, I am emotionally manacled and find forgiveness and "moving on" virtually impossible". I am more bitter and twisted than a mouthful of lemons and a plate of spaghetti.

[joy]

Did you get to see a neurologist yet be interesting to here what tests they did to you ,mine was a waste of time.

[Tom fod]

Hi everyone

Since learning that there is a name for while I am/sometimes feel so useless (yes you guessed it, its Dyspraxia! I've come to the conclusion that there is very little understanding out there and that often the help is not what I really need and I just can't seem to find the words to explain what I feel I do need without upsetting well intentioned people who want to help,
Often feeling that I'm sounding like a prima donna as there are many with more difficult or worse lives but as my friend says it's all relative.

I foten wish there was a lamp with a genie but then again I am who I am and I've learned to be pretty stubborn (or should I say determined) which is in some ways part of the difficulty. Then there is the pressure of the society we live in. I'm 37 my eyesight's rubbish so I'll never drive. fortunately I can see well enough to get by and earn enough to be comfortable and can be independent but then some days I just feel so useless/insignificant especially when trying to comparing myself to others who seem to have all the things I aspire to.

I guess the only way is forward but its such a pain at times and I wonder about the future and if I'm ever going to get anywhere when perhaps I need to live for the moment and count the blessings I have. Currently trying to organise myself into looking for a place of my own but can I cope. I guess I'll manage it but doesn't stop me being afraid of 'irrational' stuff.

Great to have this site to learn about others experiences and feel less alone and I do try and offer some solutions which I hope are helpful though know it can be really difficult to see the wood from the trees at times!

This miserable weather doesn't help and I was meant to be decluttering this evening!

[Elessar]

Did you get to see a neurologist yet be interesting to here what tests they did to you ,mine was a waste of time.

Have just heard the waiting list to see him is about seven bloody months.

[Elessar]

Hi everyone

Since learning that there is a name for while I am/sometimes feel so useless (yes you guessed it, its Dyspraxia! I've come to the conclusion that there is very little understanding out there and that often the help is not what I really need and I just can't seem to find the words to explain what I feel I do need without upsetting well intentioned people who want to help,
Often feeling that I'm sounding like a prima donna as there are many with more difficult or worse lives but as my friend says it's all relative.

I foten wish there was a lamp with a genie but then again I am who I am and I've learned to be pretty stubborn (or should I say determined) which is in some ways part of the difficulty. Then there is the pressure of the society we live in. I'm 37 my eyesight's rubbish so I'll never drive. fortunately I can see well enough to get by and earn enough to be comfortable and can be independent but then some days I just feel so useless/insignificant especially when trying to comparing myself to others who seem to have all the things I aspire to.

I guess the only way is forward but its such a pain at times and I wonder about the future and if I'm ever going to get anywhere when perhaps I need to live for the moment and count the blessings I have. Currently trying to organise myself into looking for a place of my own but can I cope. I guess I'll manage it but doesn't stop me being afraid of 'irrational' stuff.

Great to have this site to learn about others experiences and feel less alone and I do try and offer some solutions which I hope are helpful though know it can be really difficult to see the wood from the trees at times!

This miserable weather doesn't help and I was meant to be decluttering this evening!

Heya Tom, welcome to the crazy gang. Why don't you start a couple of threads?

ttfn mate.

[Tom fod]

Thanks I'm more of a follower been posting on here since May last year (where has the time gone!)

Tom

[Jambo]

I can relate so much to what you have written. I was more fortunate than your self, I did some how manage to pass all my GCSE's ( I have no idea how I did it) it was a massive struggle though I did get help, but not until year 10 as the the school was not willing to fund it.

When joining comprehensive education I was put in a special needs class though like yourself I to sat an IQ test in my first year & was found to have an IQ in the top 5 students in my year. They put me in mainstream education, their argument was that they would provide me with the help, providing I went back in to the special needs unit.

As you can tell that did not go down well with me or my parents, it was a hard 3 years battling with the school & with the condition with no help at all.

It's was a lose/lose situation, I stay in mainstream education with no help or go back to the special need's department, in which I certain to be held back by its slower curriculum.

Only just joined the forum, it will be interesting to see how many others have been let down badly by the school's, Teachers & local education authority.

Like people have said, there is a way forward I think I'm going to be OK, I'm young but I Am no where near where I though I would be at this age. Maybe I was over ambition in thinking I had no limitations or even dare say; deluded.....I don't know if I really think that, I guess some days I do.

All I know is no matter what age I am I will never want to go back, I still think the secret is just not giving up.

[Elessar]

I can relate so much to what you have written. I was more fortunate than your self, I did some how manage to pass all my GCSE's ( I have no idea how I did it) it was a massive struggle though I did get help, but not until year 10 as the the school was not willing to fund it.

When joining comprehensive education I was put in a special needs class though like yourself I to sat an IQ test in my first year & was found to have an IQ in the top 5 students in my year. They put me in mainstream education, their argument was that they would provide me with the help, providing I went back in to the special needs unit.

As you can tell that did not go down well with me or my parents, it was a hard 3 years battling with the school & with the condition with no help at all.

It's was a lose/lose situation, I stay in mainstream education with no help or go back to the special need's department, in which I certain to be held back by its slower curriculum.

Only just joined the forum, it will be interesting to see how many others have been let down badly by the school's, Teachers & local education authority.

Like people have said, there is a way forward I think I'm going to be OK, I'm young but I Am no where near where I though I would be at this age. Maybe I was over ambition in thinking I had no limitations or even dare say; deluded.....I don't know if I really think that, I guess some days I do.

All I know is no matter what age I am I will never want to go back, I still think the secret is just not giving up.

One of the reasons I cannot myself ever contemplate being a parent, is that I find the thought of letting any kids of mine, dyspraxic or not, go through a glorified pig farm to be the stuff of nightmares. The contempt and disgust I hold for the state education system truly cannot be described.

[Estella36]

Well I had planned to never have children - I didn't see any need and for years I did not want children. I got married when I was 29, then after a few life events I kinda decided I couldn't go through life never having had children. Long story short I now have two lovely boys. The eldest will be starting school in September, and I have been what others describe as completely anal in selecting a school for him. I actually got him into one that is outside of our catchment and is extremely difficult to get into. Needless to say I'm very pleased, although my fears are will the school live up to it's great reputation...! To be fair, the education system is a million miles away from what it was when I was at school, with a lot more consideration given to pupils physical AND mental health. One of the things I liked about my sons new school is someone said "we are an all Inclusive school- no child is left behind". Big words, all the more so because they were spoken by a Year six child of the school...

[Elessar]

I've always wanted to be a father, and I've always wanted a whole clutch of kids. Trouble is I am so neuroses-ridden that I think I would make a rubbish father.

Sounds like you're a pretty great mum though, by the sound of it.

[Estella36]

Well thank you! There is indeed no greater praise than being told you're great parent. I'm certainly far from perfect that's for sure. I think most people worry about whether they'll be a good parent - I remember being pregnant with my first and worrying whether he/she would like me and vice versa!!! I think most parents try t avoid the mistakes their own parents made, but of course still make tonnes of new ones! I am put in mind of famous Philip Larkin poem the name of which I could not write on here as the admin wouldn't like it! Sure you know the one I mean...!!

Anyhow, you should never say never...