Am I dyspraxic or just traumatised?

[Ambitiousscholar]

Hi everyone, my names Joel and I’m from the Uk. Ever since I was a kid I always had trouble with coordinated activities, especially sports that involve catching, throwing and kicking a ball. My handwriting wasn’t great either (I wouldn’t say it was really bad, compared to a lot of dyspraxics that I have seen) and to this day I really struggle socially. I had zero self-awareness growing up for who I was, what I could and could not say, how to take care of myself (I was really unkempt) I’ve been bullied throughout all my school years because of my physical appearance growing up, people called me goofy and stuff cause I had goofy teeth and also make fun of me for being ginger and having greasy hair and glasses, I was pretty much a loser all throughout school who just played video games and was addicted to porn. Around the age of 16 I joined an extremely toxic friend group who basically got me to do stupid stuff for them to laugh at. I ended up actually wanting to do this stuff so they could laugh cause I was scared that if they didn’t laugh then I would be in danger (they used to say horrible stuff to me until I was like 18). For some reason I ended up staying in that friend group until last year when I just turned 21 (they stopped bullying me a while back but I found the group comfortable somehow). Since then I’ve been trying to reintegrate myself into healthy social circles but it hasn’t been going so well. I’m doing a study abroad program in Japan atm, and I also went to the US last year but I’ve always struggled at making new friends, even before the trauma got bad when I was younger (to be fair I made 2-3 good friends in the US). I find it hard listening and empathising with people (which I’m currently trying to work on) . I’ve found out recently about childhood trauma and attachment styles and how my brain goes into “fight or flight” mode in circumstances such as a large social group of guys and someone makes a joke about me. My whole body just freezes and I start panicking. I was in therapy for a bit last year but I never brought up to her the possibility that I could be dyspraxic. Another aspect where I make it hard to find friends is the things that we would do in social situations such as sports and pool and things like that since I suck at them. My brain brings up a lot of bad stuff from my past and I end up feeling really down and shitty about myself. Since last year I found out about self-improvement and have been trying to become a better man. I’ve been going to the gym consistently (which is what I love doing), meditating (helps me loads) and reading and learning more about the world. Managed to quit porn, video games (addictions that were holding me back) but it’s the social skills and coordination that I find extremely difficult to improve. I’m reading “how to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie and it is giving me better interactions with people but I still find it hard to form deep connections and bonds which is what I’m striving for. My life is still a lot better than it was but IMO I have a long ways to go. My brain takes every joke from people as a soul-destroying occurrence and it does my head in. I feel like I try so hard but I’m still nowhere near the level of people who don’t even try hard at all in their lives. Sorry about the rant and I know a lot of it is unrelated to dyspraxia but I thought it seemed like a tight-knit forum here and any help would be appreciated

[Tom fod]

Hi Joel

Welcome to the forum

So often the trauma we experience as a result of our struggles becomes worse and more of a burden than dyspraxia. Plenty of people here and in other online Dyspraxic Communities can recount similar experiences of bullying but you're correct in observing it is not an exclusive thing

I've been fortunate to find workable coping strategies to be able to do a fair few things that some people would claim I shouldn't be able to do or do as well because of dyspraxia. Pool was something I did for a while but I really didn't/don't enjoy it competitively as I tend to compare myself to others too much.

I believe you're doing a lot of the right things though the rewards can never seem to come quickly enough, There is a crossover between ADHD there, though we might not necessarily meet the threshold.

[FrankieSoup]

Hi Joel

I just wanted to say that I really hope you’re proud of yourself for trying to be better - I know that the internet makes tone difficult, but I genuinely mean that.

There’s a huge overlap between neurodiverse traits and the aftermath of trauma. There’s a great book called The Deepest Well which is about Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) and in particular their relationship to ADHD diagnoses. And again, there’s a big overlap between Dyspraxia, ADHD, and Autism Spectrum Conditions. It might be worth looking at.

Self diagnosis is totally valid for neurodiversity because of the lack of resources invested in adult diagnosis - I think theres also a thread about adult dyspraxia diagnosis in another section here. In short, if you feel at home with the dyspraxia label then it’s probably one that fits you.

Coming from the place you’re coming from, I imagine it’s going to take a while to trust potential friends which is totally understandable. But I hope you can learn to trust yourself- and that you’re a good enough person to be worthy of companionship. It’s not out past which defines us but how we grow from it. And it definitely sounds like you’re growing