Slight Work Phobia

[I_Voyager]

Phobia is a strong word, this isn't technically a phobia, but I am having a tension right now because of work.

I've always been able to get a job. I've got a natural charisma and I had a philosophical work ethic based upon certain studies that landed me numerous jobs. But while I've always been likable and I clearly tried by hardest, I think my efforts were often lackluster when compared to expectations of me. As a result I never grow in a workplace. Rent has only increased in cost in this province so as a result my fiance and I have less and less money over time to work with. I got a cool new job at the beginning of 2018 with a tech company (as I was going through anxiety attacks and pouring effort into self-therapy through meditation, CBT, counseling and exercise) and though I put my all into it, I was also somewhat unsuccessful at this unsuccessful company which eventually stopped paying its employees.

They didn't pay me for my last month in December, and since then I've had to be job hunting. I started making progress on my anxiety by August last year, but there was problem after problem at work from August to December and not getting paid was a hard last blow. I also had poured all the good money I had made into family and car problems, food, debt, etc... And so now things are arguably harder. A close family member came down with cancer in January, my cat gained diabetes, the household costs were going too high,etc... And so while we need to be making enough money, we're hardly making enough.

Thing is after so many hard experiences with work (and Ontario really has this absurd stoicism that marginalizes the dyspraxic I suspect) I am if anything terrified to struggle to go find a job. In order for us to be able to move out on our own again, we basically need to be working full-time. But we both want to go to school and try to get formal degrees to improve our job standing and earn enough to live sustainably. I want to pursue a formal degree in philosophy because I have already self-studied for years and years... I am hoping my experience will compensate for my lack of time management. I'll be able to devote my resources to studying what I don't already know, while relying on my prior knowledge to save me from some of the overbearing routine.

But that means getting a full-time job right now. And I'm not sure I can go get almost any normal job available to me and be successful enough to ensure we can move forward on our plans. As a result of all this I have renewed depression, but most of all, I'm most aware of my dyspraxia. I want to spend some time trying to better understand exactly what it means for me to have to live with this disorder, exactly how to handle the poisonous relationships that grow when people think they know what's best for you, but don't know how you work. But how can I do that when I'll be thrust into another workplace where I'll be expected to live up to standards alien to my nature? How do I move forward from this fear and confidently re-enter the workforce?

[allesandro]

I've been struggling with the same question myself for the past 18 mos. Besides dyspraxia, I have physical disabilities including diabetes which makes work even harder since ever changing blood sugar levels ( exacerbated by stress) makes all of my dyspraxic symptoms even worse with regard to memory , focus, organization. My only family members are both gravely ill and will ot be here for long, and this greatly saddens me. I've been depressed since childhood, mainly because thing has affected my whole life with the exception of about fifteen years when I worked for myself and was quite successful. Unfortunately I am too old and too ill to do that again. I would like to work part time but the business I am in has changed greatly in the last fifteen years, and the computer systems required for extensive documentation are quite complicated and my short term memory is not good enough for me to remember the myriad of steps prerequisite for proper data entry. At my last job which ended badly 15 mos ago, I left feeling so demoralized I now have more than just a 'slight work phobia.' The irony is that I am excellent at the job itself, but not with the computer systems that are an inextricable part of performing the job when working for someone else. Had I had the slightest clue of what my condition was when I was young, or even had the words with which to express it, I would have made very different choices with my life and career. I spent a lot of time and money on two university degrees that I do not think I would have pursued had I known then what I know now about dyspraxia, or even what it was and how to draw boundaries around it . So, in short, I do not know the answer to your question but I am working on it myself. It is a work in progress. Should I ever come to know more I will certainly post about it. Best Wishes.

[I_Voyager]

An author I liked pursued a degree in computer programming in the 90s. He talks about it 20 years later as being about as useful to the field as an aerospace degree from the 70s is to the current field.

I always liked computers but I'm glad I didn't pursue a career in programming. I've performed some software documentation tasks, I can read code fine in a basic way and comprehend the logic. It's the coding itself that I think I'll eternally suck at. It was definitely simpler when I was a kid. But now security and method all get in the way of my success. Then again, isn't software about entirely negating the usefulness of humans?

I feel your pain brotha. I've read a couple dyspraxic people were highly successful entrepreneurs. Are you willing to share with me some stories about how you went about managing to be successfully self-employed with dyspraxia?