](./images/smilies/eusa_wall.gif "Brick wall"){kind=small}
Hi Everyone, I’m not a forum person so this is strange for me but blown away by the honesty here.Over the years, I managed to convince myself that ‘I didn’t mind’ or ‘that’s ok’ when inside I’ve been seething with myself for decades. When the coach pulled up to go to for the class swimming lesson, my stomach would churn and I sat in silence all the way. I was always frozen with panic in the water but being the 1980’s told to try harder. Still have not mastered cycling at aged 47 Do not drive or walk in high-heels!
My diaries are littered over the years with attempts at all the things that most people think are basic skills. Family and friends don’t mean too but can make you feel silly on top of the self-talk that is on constant repeat.
I pushed hard for our two children to do most of the things I do not/can not?? My husband was becoming frustrated with our son when teaching him to ride a bike and I saw the signs. I soothed both after each attempt. It paid off. On a milestone birthday trip, all four of us went to New York and for one day part of Manhattan was given over to bikes! The city provided bikes and helmets and I waved off the family with a smile. I busied myself but I wanted to be with them cycling. After the holiday, I found an organisation that helps adults to cycle. The first hour was ok but then I drove the bike into a lamp post and smashed one of the lights on the bike. The guy was really cool about it but he looked a bit miffed. As usual for me, I didn’t go back.
We went ice-skating two years ago and I had to use the rack to stay upright. The shame? - my son went to get it for me! I’m ranting, sorry. Just did not know this was here because I wasn’t very honest with myself. I’m 5’9 and sometimes get the evils in the gym but it is comical. I was signed to a modelling agency as a student but each time I was on the catwalk, I felt nervous and thought of Knock knock. So I left and my agent was angry with me for “wasting my chance”.
My body and my mind are definite not on the same page. If they saw me out side they would see I spend most of my time waving to my family and patting the sandwiches. I’ve had years of anxiety around my inability to I suppose function as if something was broken but I couldn’t workout what it was. Appearing aloof at social gatherings. Stuck up? No. Trying to workout how to walk across the room to the toilet without bumping into someone standing perfectly still! This feels like something different. I've said more to you lot than family and close friends. It isn’t misery seeking company. It is just all starting to add up, so I can stop feeling guilty with regards to the children. Stop feeling ashamed for being so dependent on my husband all these years. Long journey ahead to learn how to talk to myself like a friend. Knock Knock is just one of the names bullies gave me in school as I looked boney and always fell over. Tripped on my own feet sometimes but I intend to ‘own’ the name and let the negativity go. This year (oh the joy!) not going to keep setting goals that are not for me- it does not take 20 hours of lessons to pass the driving test for EVERYONE!
Besides that is off the table for now. Driving lessons with a mask and small panic attack. No thank you.Thank you to everyone for sharing and reminding me that there is still kindness in strangers xx