Always felt like there was something wrong with me

[ameefay]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to start by saying that I have not been diagnosed with Dyspraxia and I actually didn't even really know what it was until today. I was on the phone to my CBT therapist earlier and I was telling her stories of times when I have felt like a failure or that I can't do anything right and after she asked me to give her some examples, near enough all of them were to do with me being clumsy, breaking things, not being able to complete tasks that seem easy to other people. She then asked if I had ever been tested for Dyspraxia, I immediately googled it and so many of the symptoms matched up with how I act and feel. I am unbelievablely clumsy, I have no hand-eye coordination and this has been a running joke amongst all of my friends and family through-out my entire life. I've tried not to be sensitive about it and often laugh it off but inside I always beat myself up about how I can have anything nice because I'll break it or how I trip over my own feet almost everyday. I've never been good at sport even when I've been really physically fit, I was laughed at a lot during P.E. as a teen so I used to just not try when it came to any sort of physical activity.

I also struggle a lot with my speech, I get words mixed up all the time and I feel like a lot of the time my brain is working faster than my mouth so I mess things up and miss words out of sentences.

I have always felt a bit of failure in life, why can I not do simple tasks that other people have no problem completing?

I may not have Dyspraxia but I'm really hoping I do because at least then I can understand why I am the way I am.

Sorry for rambling.

I've been reading through other people's stories on here and it seems like a really nice community.

[Tom fod]

Hi Amee

Welcome to the Forum/ So glad you have found us. Sorry for late response I've just been talking to a bunch of Dyspraxic friends on Zoom

Regrettably it can be quite difficult to obtain formal diagnosis as an adult so it is absolutely not a requirement for joining here. The pathways for getting a diagnosis confirmation of dyspraxia are not clear and GPs and NHS trusts don't always know about or have provision.

I was 35 when I learned and arrived at this very site myself. I had definitely done the beating myself up and believing myself useless (I still have some bad days. I was so often terrified of what other people might think or even say.

I hope you're finding the CBT useful? Before I learned I was struggling at work and was fortunate enough to be offered some CBT too. This was before I found about Dyspraxia and it really helped me with starting to rationalise what it meant. I was happy at first as a lot of the symptoms made sense but I also worried about what I would tell friends and colleagues and concerned about how they would react. I'm hoping that we can help you feel less alone and help you in finding some strategies to help you move forward.

[bokucakes]

Late to the discussion, I know, but isn't that what a typical dyspraxic does? It definitely sounds like you have DCD (developmental coordination disorder) - also known as dyspraxia as I have these characteristics too. I have literally just received a diagnosis that I had to pay for privately through Dyspraxia UK, my GP refused to help and no one ever spotted an issue all the way through my education, despite numerous red flags when I think back! I'm having a hard time not being mad at my school and my mum too.

It's a long story but to try and sum it up: I have been physically and psychologically abused by my younger brother through most of my life, he always got the attention like the golden boy and even got a diagnosis of dyscalculia after a private tutor noticed his issues, my mum paid for private tuition for his GCSEs (something I didnt get, despite struggling greatly, failing maths and scraping through passes with my other GCSE exams). I also suspect my mum has dyspraxia which is possibly why she never noticed a difference.

[Tom fod]

Hi and welcome Bokucakes

Parents always seem to have a favourite and do a poor job of treating their offspring equally

It's definitely worth looking at some way to help you process this as it can be a barrier moving forwards.

I don't recall my mum having a conversation about my being assessed so it was years later I learned. I guess I was the spiteful one but mum definitely gave me a complex dragging me to all manner of Doctors and quacks because "I wasn't right". Maybe she felt I was OK and rightly or wrongly my sibling needed priority. Don't recall teachers ever explaining it either. Did they not want to attach a label to me? (rhetorical question)

After learning we're affected, the question of "what next?" takes a lot of processing.

Only your mum can answer those questions but it may be difficult as it may cause the unbottling of suppressed guilt and bad feeling for having 'failed you'. Be your best self and try to tread carefully and gently as clocks can't be turned back and ideally you want to be able to move forwards positively.


GPs are up against it too. So often there are no clear routes or pathways and little or zero provision to refer adults for assessment.

Some colleges and universities will fund assessments, some employers too. Regrettably it's far from easy and awareness and acceptance are too often lacking. You have to persist politely in the right direction with the right people at the right time and have good fortune on your side.

Tis all a bit sh*t really!