As if I needed further proof....

[Elessar]

…. I registered on the forum, went to email to activate, got back to the forum, went to log in (a total of about thirty seconds having elapsed) and could remember my 17 character password, but not my username, which is a very familiar word to anyone who’s ever read Tolkein.

Cue frantic dash back into Thunderbird, hoping and praying I’d not permanently deleted the activation email….. Thankfully, I hadn’t.

Anyway, hello all. I’m from England, I’m thirty four and I’m hoping to learn from you.

Life is pretty black to be honest. I was at school in the nineties, a pretty recent epoch, and things like computers and Special Needs were in vogue. It’s not like I was a contemporary of Roald Dahl in the world of Boy, or anything.

Nevertheless I went undiagnosed, although the bullying and victimisation I received from brutal, brainless, personality-dead, sadistic, vicious Dementors (or teachers, as they’re otherwise known) caused me to have a nervous breakdown at the age of fifteen, which resulted in me being hospitalised as a day patient in a children’s mental illness hospital in Marlborough, in Wiltshire.

I’ve not been back to school since, because I can’t write fast enough to complete exams and even writing at my normal speed causes me to have crippling hand pain. (I’m also left-handed, which makes it even more difficult.) This really gets on my nerves, because I was intelligent enough to get into Mensa at thirteen and about fifteen years ago was rated in the top percentile of IQ for people in the UK. I have since come to the conclusion that IQ is one of the most worthless things in the world.

I always felt something was “wrong” with me, the earliest indication being my first school sports day when I optimistically entered about fifteen events, thinking I would surely win two or three. Far from that, I finished last in every one of them, and my abiding memory of that day is sobbing my heart out in the classroom about half an hour after the end, screaming “I’m worthless, I’m worthless!” over and over again. (Already precocious in low self-esteem at the age of five.)

My elder half-brother turned out to be probably dyslexic (I say probably because we’re not the sort of family who has the money to pay for our own diagnoses, and bail out the state for the responsibility it should have had for us when we were minors, but couldn’t be bothered with) and after reading his book, The Gift of Dyslexia I thought I knew what was wrong with me.

But there were too many things that just didn’t add up. I never had difficulty with reading. Not long term anyway. Like shoelace tying, I learned to read about a year after my classmates, but by the time I DID manage it, I was flying. I was reading Wilbur Smith novels by the age of fourteen.

I had MASSIVE difficulty with writing, but not spelling. My writing today veers (just took me three attempts to spell “veers” correctly – maybe scratch that bit about being good at spelling) from fairly neat to readable only by me. If it’s neat, it takes me much longer to do than anyone else I know and I get crippling cramps in my left hand – something I’ve suffered from since childhood.

After thinking it might be dyslexia, I started wondering if I was just thick. (Largely thanks to there being zero mention of dyspraxia in media – but saturated coverage of dyslexia) . Then one day, as if by “magic”… I heard Daniel Radcliffe mention that he was “slightly dyspraxic” in an interview.

Thanks to my love of literature, in which I’ve hidden from an indifferent and uncaring world for years, I had enough working knowledge of Greek to work out that it means something to do with “abnormal learning” or “abnormal doing”. Anyone who knows any old Greek knows that dys means “crap” basically, so dyslexia = crap with letters. (Presumably why dictionaries are also called lexicons”.) Bad at learning? Praxeum meant some sort of academy or school, I knew. Bad with…. doing?

I started on the faithful t’internet (Google is your friend – Wikipedia isn’t) and the bulb flashed on. In the few years since the sausage factory education system had vomited me forth, awareness seemed to have exploded somewhat.

I found a sort of medical site that gave the symptoms of dyspraxia and it said if you had twenty five or thirty per cent of them, you had something mild; over fifty and you had something approaching a serious problem.

To one degree or another I had about seventy five per cent of the symptoms listed.

For some reason, a very stupid one I’m sure, it didn’t occur to me to go searching for books. I don’t think I ever imagined there would be any. Then about a week ago, my Swiss-cheese short-term memory engaged long enough while I was browsing Amazon to see if there any such books. There were about a dozen so I ordered six, all of which seemed to have to come from America, despite being written by English authors. None of them were actually from Amazon either, but from sellers who lease web space off of them. THAT is something that made me angry….

First one arrived, I forget what it was called or who wrote it, but it kinda reinforced what I already knew, but went no further. The second one arrived the day before yesterday and I’ve already read it twice.

That book was Caged in Chaos, by Victoria Biggs and it quite frankly, is a work of genius.

It’s difficult to feel both elated and devastated at the same time.

Victoria Biggs sounds as if her dyspraxia is more physically severe than mine, but in virtually every way and manner, she is exactly the same as me. She even WRITES the same way I do! (I hope she’s not reading this now thinking, “This guy is a wordy divvy - there’s no way I write like this!”)

My copy is now full of notes, underlining of things I empathise with and so on. One thing I’ve underlined is in the foreword, where Jamie Hill says that Victoria might be so obsessed with dyspraxia awareness because of her late diagnosis.

As far as I can make out, she was thirteen or fourteen when she was diagnosed. I’m thirty four and I still haven’t been. I was given nothing but abuse, public ridicule and punishment by a school system peopled by (sorry if this violates forum rules) talentless, heartless bastards who seemed to me to exist only to suck the soul and happiness out of children’s bones. Two teachers in particular that I remember should probably have served time in prison for the repeated ruthless assaults on my and other self-esteem.

As a result I have been living a half life all the time. Allegedly I’ve got an IQ of 177, but I work in a job I don’t like that doesn’t stretch me, rewards me uninspiringly and will never be a labour of love. I suffer not from shyness or even conscious awkwardness, but a total social blackout. I can walk into a room of three hundred people and be totally alone. I have no proper social life and although there are people I know who are friendly and wonderful in their way, I don’t have friends like every other human being does. There is some invisible yet indelible Mark of Cain on me that keeps me excluded.

This life I was condemned to by a combination of my own inability to teach myself ways around my problems, and the teaching profession. A teaching profession staffed mainly by the indifferent and the bored and the short tempered, with an unhealthy sprinkling (more than a tiny minority, no matter what the profession’s newsletters say because they’re too gutless to face the truth) of the truly cruel and downright evil.

If I sound bitter (you may have detected just the tiniest smidge, no?) it’s because I am. It’s a personal failing, I know. It isn’t healthy and it now harms no-one but me. But I am bitter and I am angry and I am full of blame – at myself for being inadequate as well as the professionals who were supposed to be supporting me, but chose instead to let me drown in the cesspool of humanity’s worst traits.


Anywaaaaaay…. To end on a slightly lighter note, I’m glad I found this place and I hope I haven’t depressed too many people with my tirade. I hope I meet and enjoy talking to as many of you as possible.

[AlleyCat]

Hi and welcome to the forum! I can understand how frustrating school must have been for you, as unfortunately too many ignorant people still seem to end up as teachers (IMO they often manage to bullsh%t their way into the profession). It's a total disgrace that someone such as yourself didn't get to demonstrate your academic capability due to slow writing speed- it seems as if you should have had someone to write for you in exams or at least been allowed extra time.

[Elessar]

Hi and welcome to the forum! I can understand how frustrating school must have been for you, as unfortunately too many ignorant people still seem to end up as teachers (IMO they often manage to bullsh%t their way into the profession). It's a total disgrace that someone such as yourself didn't get to demonstrate your academic capability due to slow writing speed- it seems as if you should have had someone to write for you in exams or at least been allowed extra time.

Thanks, AC.

Extra time and special needs were definitely in existence in the 80's and 90's, I just didn't get any. If a net that could catch a billion people have four holes in it, I'd somehow manage to fall through every one.

[shisu]

Hi Elessar,

I am a similar age to you (32) and by the sounds of it you went through something quite similar to me, although I wouldn't say it was as bad for me I do identify with a lot of what you are describing, the main problem with me was that I could read and write ok, do basic maths etc but with the lack of understanding in the mid 90's of dyspraxia I was just classed as lazy, I would get put in the lower group but then promoted back to the middle or even higher groups because certain things I could perform at an average or above level but others I couldn't, my concentration was also awful.

I left school at 15 but it didn't really help matters and I lost contact with most of the people I knew, I now have no friends as such as my self esteem and confidence is at pretty much zero, I can see why so many dyspraxics suffer with depression, in someways the mild/moderate dyspraxic is worse off as it seems very difficult for NT's to pickup on their problems and just think they are being negative/lazy.

The worst thing is the social problems, I feel so stressed or uncomfortable in social situations and don't know what to say so I shy away from them which in turn means I don't develop any social skills (if that is possible), sometimes I do think about suicide but not on a how and when level so I guess things aren't that bad (yet), things have certainly got slowly worse with age as I would always kid myself things would get better next year before I turned 30.

Sorry for the depressing post.. and hoping for a brighter tomorrow

[Elessar]

Hi Elessar,

I am a similar age to you (32) and by the sounds of it you went through something quite similar to me, although I wouldn't say it was as bad for me I do identify with a lot of what you are describing, the main problem with me was that I could read and write ok, do basic maths etc but with the lack of understanding in the mid 90's of dyspraxia I was just classed as lazy, I would get put in the lower group but then promoted back to the middle or even higher groups because certain things I could perform at an average or above level but others I couldn't, my concentration was also awful.

I don’t blame them for not being able to point and say, “You’ve got dyspraxia” any more than I blame H.G. Wells for having a not very good idea of military tactics and what twenty five thousand years of scientific advancement would produce on an alien planet. (The War of the Worlds.)

What I blame them for, a large chunk of them anyway, is their basic lack of humanity. For having instincts so under-developed that they couldn’t see that there was something badly wrong, even if they couldn’t name it, or help with it. For not being able to read the stress in my voice and for not caring about the tears coming out of my eyes. For being such heartless bastards that some of them even enjoyed making the situation worse, usually in public.

Is it any wonder I developed dumb insolence as a coping mechanism? Is it any wonder I turned to correcting their spelling and punk-shu-aye-shun errors on the blackboard? (Didn’t help diplomatically, but “f*** them”, was my philosophy by that time.)

There is something deeply sick and disturbing within the teaching profession. A core of people who abuse children and ruin their lives just as surely as any pervert will do.

I left school at 15 but it didn't really help matters and I lost contact with most of the people I knew, I now have no friends as such as my self esteem and confidence is at pretty much zero, I can see why so many dyspraxics suffer with depression, in someways the mild/moderate dyspraxic is worse off as it seems very difficult for NT's to pickup on their problems and just think they are being negative/lazy.

What’s an NT? Special needs teacher or something?

Yes, it does seem to be a hidden condition, doesn’t it? Even from those who are trained to see it.

The worst thing is the social problems, I feel so stressed or uncomfortable in social situations and don't know what to say so I shy away from them which in turn means I don't develop any social skills (if that is possible), sometimes I do think about suicide but not on a how and when level so I guess things aren't that bad (yet), things have certainly got slowly worse with age as I would always kid myself things would get better next year before I turned 30.

I agree with you mate, and sympathise totally. I’m lucky in that I don’t have confidence problems (on account of the fact that I simply gave up on giving a **** – wonderful for loss of inhibition that one), but the loneliness chews away sometimes. Especially when I’m in one of those “alone in a crowd of a hundred” situations, and I can see everyone having such a wonderful time being so connected.

Suicide/self-harm…. weird thing. It just isn’t in my DNA to attempt or think about doing either. That isn’t some good, altruistic character trait, it’s just a missing thing. I don’t know why, I don’t feel especially grateful for it. Maybe I’m just too gutless to contemplate it. lol

Sorry for the depressing post.. and hoping for a brighter tomorrow

Mate, I know the advantages of being able to have a good moan to a sympathetic ear, so when you feel the need, moan away! Heh heh. I honestly don’t mind and I find it the only thing to do sometimes.

Brighter tomorrow? We’ll see. I won’t be holding my breath.

See ya!

[AlleyCat]

NT stands for neuro-typical (ie someone who doesn't have a condition such as dyslexia, dyspraxia etc)- the term for someone who does have one of those conditions is ND, which stands for neuro-diverse. Some people like to use these terms, others don't, but you might be interested to know that they are the terms favoured by an organisation called DANDA, which exists to promote the rights of those whose brains function differently from the so-called 'norm':

http://www.danda.org.uk

I can completely relate to you saying that teachers who are psychologically abusive can be just as damaging to children as those who physically abuse them- psychological abuse unfortunately just isn't taken as seriously because people can't see the scars, although it can do huge damage to the victim's mental health and self esteem. Sadly I think it is the case that some people go into teaching because they enjoy having power, control and status rather than genuinely wanting to help children to learn.

[Elessar]

NT stands for neuro-typical (ie someone who doesn't have a condition such as dyslexia, dyspraxia etc)- the term for someone who does have one of those conditions is ND, which stands for neuro-diverse. Some people like to use these terms, others don't, but you might be interested to know that they are the terms favoured by an organisation called DANDA, which exists to promote the rights of those whose brains function differently from the so-called 'norm':

Sounds fairly inoffensive to me.

I can completely relate to you saying that teachers who are psychologically abusive can be just as damaging to children as those who physically abuse them- psychological abuse unfortunately just isn't taken as seriously because people can't see the scars, although it can do huge damage to the victim's mental health and self esteem.

My personal belief is that I missed out by the banning of the cane. If some of these scumbags had kept their mouths shut and spared my soul and self-esteem at the expense of my backside, I would have been far less damaged. The psyche is far less likely to heal than a few welts.

Sadly I think it is the case that some people go into teaching because they enjoy having power, control and status rather than genuinely wanting to help children to learn.

Not some, many if not most of the whole profession. I am definitely not one of those people who subscribe to the "unfortunate minority spoiling it for the rest" types.

[Tom fod]

Hi Elessar

Sounds like things feel really black for you at present and I do know how you feel as having experienced many of the same emotions.

Happy to chat on here or in PM as I'm sure are many others. You won't be without friends here.

Tom

[Elessar]

Hi Elessar

Sounds like things feel really black for you at present and I do know how you feel as having experienced many of the same emotions.

Happy to chat on here or in PM as I'm sure are many others. You won't be without friends here.

Tom

Thanks Tom, I'm sure I'll be seeing you around.

Nice to see someone else post. This site has less traffic than Pitcairn Island. lol

[Elessar]

Well, much to my surprise, it seems the NHS seem to both know something about dyspraxia these days and, even more importantly, care and have resources.

I went to the GP's with some trepidation and told him I thought I had dyspraxia, and wanted certification on it so I could get help in exams and go off in another direction in life.

Not only did he not give me that feared blank look, but he seemed quite knowledgeable.
Got me to balance barefoot on the floor on either leg, asked me what I was like at sports, asked me how I'd come to this conclusion, etc. Finally he told me he was referring me to a neurology clinic (which I'm slightly trepidacious about).

I wasn't expecting neurology, I was just expecting, if anything, some sort of educational psychologist to assess me. I don't want any sort of stigma to harm my current professional life, not least because the employer I have at the moment has been known to be ridiculously paranoid about mental health in the past.

Fingers crossed anyway. You never know, this may be the beginning of something long-awaited and much needed.