Adoption Reunion and Dyspraxia

[jrat510]

Okay, this comes with a long background story, but I am hoping for some insight.

28 years ago I placed my twins, boy and a girl, for adoption when they were 4 days old. I found them 9 months ago and my daughter and I are enjoying a marvelous reunion. My son, who was diagnosed with dyspraxia around the age of nine, has not communicated with me directly at all and we have yet to meet. He doesn’t know that I know about his diagnosis. My concern is that we may never be able to have any sort of relationship because of the overwhelming emotions that come with reunion. His sister says he doesn’t deal with emotions well and avoids situations that may be triggering. However, reunion also brings healing and a sense of belonging to an adoptee. We know much more about maternal separation trauma now than we did back then. So on top of a difficult birth, my son was put into the arms of strangers. Don’t get me wrong, he has a wonderful adoptive family and his mother is very supportive of our reunion. But adoption is trauma. Even for infants. I made enough attempts to connect with him to let him know I’m here, but I can’t do anymore than that. He has to come to the reunion on his own accord, because he wants to, not has to. He doesn’t have to.

His sister thinks he does want to, but his dyspraxia makes him seem distant and difficult to read. Plus he doesn’t use social media and is a reluctant communicator via text or email in general. Pile on the emotional roller coaster of reconnecting with his birth mother and it all must seem daunting at best. My question is, is there any way of communicating with him, that doesn’t violate his boundaries, but lets him know it doesn’t have to all be so difficult? It can be joyous and healing. It has been for his sister and I.

I’m sorry if I seem to go on or may sound ignorant, but there’s no rule book for reunion. And there is certainly no rule book for reunion with my 28 year old dyspraxic son. Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you.

[Tom fod]

Okay, this comes with a long background story, but I am hoping for some insight.

28 years ago I placed my twins, boy and a girl, for adoption when they were 4 days old. I found them 9 months ago and my daughter and I are enjoying a marvelous reunion. My son, who was diagnosed with dyspraxia around the age of nine, has not communicated with me directly at all and we have yet to meet. He doesn’t know that I know about his diagnosis. My concern is that we may never be able to have any sort of relationship because of the overwhelming emotions that come with reunion. His sister says he doesn’t deal with emotions well and avoids situations that may be triggering. However, reunion also brings healing and a sense of belonging to an adoptee. We know much more about maternal separation trauma now than we did back then. So on top of a difficult birth, my son was put into the arms of strangers. Don’t get me wrong, he has a wonderful adoptive family and his mother is very supportive of our reunion. But adoption is trauma. Even for infants. I made enough attempts to connect with him to let him know I’m here, but I can’t do anymore than that. He has to come to the reunion on his own accord, because he wants to, not has to. He doesn’t have to.

His sister thinks he does want to, but his dyspraxia makes him seem distant and difficult to read. Plus he doesn’t use social media and is a reluctant communicator via text or email in general. Pile on the emotional roller coaster of reconnecting with his birth mother and it all must seem daunting at best. My question is, is there any way of communicating with him, that doesn’t violate his boundaries, but lets him know it doesn’t have to all be so difficult? It can be joyous and healing. It has been for his sister and I.

I’m sorry if I seem to go on or may sound ignorant, but there’s no rule book for reunion. And there is certainly no rule book for reunion with my 28 year old dyspraxic son. Any advice is appreciated.

Thank you.

Hi and weleome

There's no rulebook for Dyspraxia and if there was it would probably be the most confusing rule book in the world! Think dropped in a puddle and shoved back into its' binder in a haphazard and disordered fashion!

His journey through life will have differed from that of his sister, and indeed others with dyspraxia. Some of us are open about our dyspraxia, others would rather not have others focus on or even mention it. We're all different and how we see our dyspraxia does vary greatly. Based on what you've written, he sounds guarded. Like any reunion, he will have unanswered questions and may be unsure about how to put these into words or express his feelings in the best/most appropriate way. Let him be the lead, ask him what his boundaries are and give him the time he needs to process and formulate his answer(s). With Dyspraxia we are so often our own harshest critics and may be withdrawn, overly direct or both on occasion. He might seem aloof but maybe he is observing and seeing how his sister is getting on with you, before making a decision about how or whether to connect. Allow him time and space to decide on his own terms and be patient.

Social media is a bit of a jungle and the Dysraxic/neurodivergent communities therein are somewhat fractious and not everyone feels able or ready to openly talk about it. It brings plenty of frustration and unnecessary shame