Feeling worried about inner circle friendships

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Danwatts
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Feeling worried about inner circle friendships

Post by Danwatts »

Hey guys

I want to ask you guys about how you cope with close friendships and is their at tips to help with it. Growing up i do have friends but when it comes to closer friends or a circle of a inner circle i always struggled.

I always relied on one person whilst i grown up to help me out and i always had the one close friend in which i can relay on. Over the past few years the usual hurt of friends not helped with my anxiety and dyspraxia side. i always find a worry for losing friends inside my inner circle because I’m starting to let more people in. I’m not sure if it because of my dyspraxia because i dont want to lose friends or its just bad experiences.
Tom fod
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Re: Feeling worried about inner circle friendships

Post by Tom fod »

Danwatts wrote: Sat Jan 23, 2021 9:39 am Hey guys

I want to ask you guys about how you cope with close friendships and is their at tips to help with it. Growing up i do have friends but when it comes to closer friends or a circle of a inner circle i always struggled.

I always relied on one person whilst i grown up to help me out and i always had the one close friend in which i can relay on. Over the past few years the usual hurt of friends not helped with my anxiety and dyspraxia side. i always find a worry for losing friends inside my inner circle because I’m starting to let more people in. I’m not sure if it because of my dyspraxia because i dont want to lose friends or its just bad experiences.
Hi Dan

Welcome and glad you've found us.

I think it's a complex web and you cannot necessarily 'control' other folk. Some will come into your life to stay, others will drift away. Usually more due to where their own lives take them, than because they've got the hump about something we've said/done. I think because we're empaths and/or often perfectionists/idealists too, we can often worry or not feel confident. Often that can be due to the high degree of self criticism we reserve for ourselves. Some people might not live up to our ideals (all of the time), or us to theirs! What is 'reasonable' also comes into this! Fallout can so often be nasty and deeply unpleasant. I'm fortunate to have many good friends from a variety of different areas of my life and pursuits and it can feel like you have to keep all those plates spinning at the same time. I think it's about having friends, where while you might not have heard from them in days, months or even years, you can re pick up the conversation again easily after not being in touch for a spell.

If they're playing games by saying you should not associate with X if you want to be my friend, then it may be time to question or challenge that or make space. Juggling is not something we much like.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)
Danwatts
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Re: Feeling worried about inner circle friendships

Post by Danwatts »

Hi tom

Thank you for commenting back.

Yeah that makes sense, i just wonder how other folks cope with things like this. It never a intention about ‘control’ but it more of a worry if that makes sense
Tom fod
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Re: Feeling worried about inner circle friendships

Post by Tom fod »

Hi Dan

You're welcome

That does make sense. I stuck 'control' in inverted comments as it was not best word to use to describe it, and couldn't think of anything better. I have a really good friend who has similar anxieties about and on bad days needs reassurance that she hasn't upset people. I'm more than happy to provide that. Regrettably I think some less honourable people exploit such worries for their own ends.

I think Dyspraxia steals our certainty about things and the fear can creep in to 'fill that void'. I think one of my go to mechanisms was to try to assert control but that isn't really a workable strategy.

I liken dyspraxia to living with a pesky mischievious Goblin alter-ego. He likes nothing more than throwing spanners into the works of my plans and other random mischief. Mostly I can outwit him with meticulous planning, humour, patience and good grace, but other times he gets lucky and gains the upper hand and reminds me he is definitely still there. That's when I want to strangle the little blighter!
Tom
Moderator/Administrator

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)
Danwatts
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Jan 23, 2021 9:27 am

Re: Feeling worried about inner circle friendships

Post by Danwatts »

Hi tom

That makes sense now which is quite nice. It makes more sense on why the mecisisum makes you feel you feel like it does. It also make sense why i get anxious over seeing other people together and i not included.

I just wonder what ways or strategies i could use to help with these anxieties. I do well to cope and resist with the anxieties but when it gets to much i feel worthless.


Dan
Tom fod
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Re: Feeling worried about inner circle friendships

Post by Tom fod »

It's a difficult one although we feel different we still want to feel included and not left out and we care and feel these things more keenly at times and it exacerbates our nagging feelings of low self worth. Have definitely found myself feeling alone in a room full of people and v much on the outside looking in. That's true of lots of folk and not just a 'Dyspraxic thing'

CBT definitely helped for me. It teaches you to challenge those bad patterns of thought. (Not always easy). The current lockdown situation is amplifying peoples feelings of isolation and fear. I think another good tip is to find ways to recognise that your slipping into a bad pattern of thinking and find positive things you can do to counter that. It could be a walk (alone or with a friend) calling and speaking to a friend, watching a comedy or favourite movie, listening to music that makes you happy, or another other enjoyable but positive distraction or constructive activity and reward. We naturally care what other people think about us but isolation and anxiety can twist that and make everything feel infinitely worse, especially in current covid climate! Definitely try to resist the temptation to think unkindly about yourself and find ways to break out of feeling overwhelmed and/or crap.

The strategy of not caring or at least pretending not to care or give a hoot aren't always easy to master and are usually not sustainable. It can be easy to become trapped in our own isolation as equally we don't want to bring people down with our presence. It can all too easily become a vicious circle we can't step out of. I'm sure I'm mixing my metaphors and going round and round here.

Anyway that's quite enough rambling from me.
Too much thinking! :evilb:
Tom
Moderator/Administrator

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)
Danwatts
New member - welcome them!
Posts: 9
Joined: Sat Jan 23, 2021 9:27 am

Re: Feeling worried about inner circle friendships

Post by Danwatts »

Yeah it makes sense where your coming from on this. Challenging thought process is a mindful thing.
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