Trying to save my marraige

[Dilly]

Hi Everyone, I am new to this and just so desperate to get a better understanding of how I can fix my marriage:
I have been married to a Dyspraxic man for 19 years and found out that in May just gone, he'd been having an affair. I am totally devastated, but our marriage was difficult for the past 5 years and we had disconnected physically for a while. I love him deeply and truly believe that the affair was to do with his Dyspraxia (low self esteem), so I am willing to make a go of fixing the marriage. However, I do now have trust issues and he has very poor memory, so forgets to tell me things, which in turn, feed my distrust of him. Our biggest problem, however, is communicating. His symptoms are all about poor organisation, memory, concentration, time, direction and perception. He also has poor listening skills and low self-esteem. Because I am still in a bit of a crisis stage having only recently found out about the affair, I am battling my own demons (often I have shouted at him, over-talked (which completely steamrollers his ability to communicate effectively) and broken down in tears. His Dyspraxia affects his ability to show emotion like most people and he can come across as cold. All my instincts scream "get out now", but I know how devastated he is about what has happened and feel I owe it to him to try to forgive.
Has anyone else been in a similar position - I really would like to know there is a possibility we could get through this as he is the most kind, considerate and caring person you could wish to meet.
Thank you for listening to me.

[Xenavire]

Dyspraxia doesn't affect your decision making ability to such an extent that cheating is acceptable or forgivable. Yes, I've made my share of dumb mistakes, everyone has, but at the end of the day, anyone that has entered into a relationship (especially a marriage) knows that cheating is horrible, damaging to their partner, and entirely selfish.

In my opinion, it wasn't a mistake, it was a choice. You don't accidentally sleep with someone else, and unless you are significantly mentally impaired, you don't have an excuse for doing so.

On top of that, it sounds like you haven't been happy for a while, and are staying because its easier than trying to start over. All in all, even if you love him, I think (as an outside observer) that the writing is on the wall.

If you are determined to hold onto this, the best option would be to start with couples therapy and move on from there.

[Tom fod]

Hi
Your husband's Dyspraxia / Low Self-esteem are not and should never be an excuse for this kind of betrayal. He is extremely fortunate that you still care and love him sufficiently and so are seemingly open to giving him another chance.

If he really is the most kind, considerate and caring person, why then did he do what he did to you? He was organised enough to conceal the affair until he confessed/admitted it? or did you confront him with suspicions after these had built up over time and come to a head? If a close friend was telling you the same in regard something her husband had done, what would your advice be to that friend?

You haven't stated whether you have dependent children together and what your housing arrangements are or might be if it came to separation temporary or otherwise. - Please note you're not obliged to provide us with answers to these questions! The answers to them are yours to reflect on.

Whether the two of you can get through this relies just as much on him, as it does you. How likely is he to do the same again if the opportunity presented itself? Will he use the same excuse/blame you for your faults rather than his own?

[craftardly]

Good lord, what a couple of judgemental posts.

There's a lot of personal opinion there and not a lot of facts.

The dyspraxia foundation characterises in the emotion and behaviour section on this page https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-adults/

That dyspraxics may be impulsive and want immediate gratification.

NEITHER OF YOU know the extent of this affair and to judge that instead of helping this poor lady is quite disappointing to see as a new member.

Dilly, my advice is to see a couple's therapist together. I think a professional is the only person qualified to comment or help you in this situation. Only you know if you can move past it and only professional help will give you the tools to try and rebuild trust. A good therapist will be honest with both of you, and may tell you that leaving him is the right move. On the other side they may see ways that you can both move past it. It will take a long time and hard work. Sometimes it's worth it.

[Tom fod]

Good lord, what a couple of judgemental posts.

There's a lot of personal opinion there and not a lot of facts.

The dyspraxia foundation characterises in the emotion and behaviour section on this page https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-adults/

That dyspraxics may be impulsive and want immediate gratification.

NEITHER OF YOU know the extent of this affair and to judge that instead of helping this poor lady is quite disappointing to see as a new member.=

Please note that the original poster was looking for opinions and that these will vary depending on the experiences and values of those responding.

We might consider that your reaction to our responses is also overly judgemental!

Dyspraxia (or any other neuro divergent condition) is not an excuse to cheat on someone, While low self-esteem and/or impulsiveness might go some way in helping someone understand why their partner began an affair and perhaps then not blame them self. Is it fair to blame the condition and so fuel the myth that every dyspraxic partner will behave that way and that's OK and to be expected?

As a human species in a society where many messages seem to be Take what you want! is it wrong to not consider the impact, our behaviour might have on others? Can we get away with the old excuse I'm a bloke It's in my nature or My Dyspraxia made me do it!

We do get the other extreme, for instance a couple of years ago a female Non-Dyspraxic partner commented very disparagingly of her ex, calling him a 'man-child' Her post was removed and she was banned permanently.

[craftardly]

There is never an excuse for any behaviour that causes pain to another human being, agreed.

The original poster did not ask for opinion, nor judgement. She asked if anyone had been in a similar situation, which is the opposite of asking for a personal opinion. if you haven't been in a similar situation then some advice is possibly the way forward, but again, not condemnation or judgement.

It's great to know that people here have strong morals, but shoving them into a situation where they weren't asked for isn't the most understanding or caring way to go about things and help someone