Does anyone else struggle with Online relationships?

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Twitchy72
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Does anyone else struggle with Online relationships?

Post by Twitchy72 »

I try talking to friends online and sometimes I say the wrong thing and get in such a muddle trying to explain what I meant. I over explain and go round and round. I can never say things succinctly. I think it’s because I have to think quickly. I’m new here and this is my first post
Tom fod
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Re: Does anyone else struggle with Online relationships?

Post by Tom fod »

Hi and welcome Twitchy

I think many people including non-dyspraxic people can take what it is written online too literally /at face value and you don't have the advantage of a live face to face or telephone conversation where you can see body language and/or intonation (though we don't always do well with that!).

I think the problem can be that we're not always on the wavelength and some people can be impatient and quick to judge mistakes harshly.

I do like, even prefer email and do like to try to be crystal clear but often take longer and tend to put in more detail variable than some can digest. I do plenty of texting and instant messaging and post in Dyspraxia Community groups on Facebook and even on there I have been known to upset people as I can be overly blunt sometimes as I have misunderstood/misread what someone has said and reacted rather than thinking then responding. I also think the less detail there is sometimes just as much potential for misunderstanding.
Tom
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Twitchy72
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Re: Does anyone else struggle with Online relationships?

Post by Twitchy72 »

Thank you Tom. What you’ve said sounds a lot like me. Howeve, I think I need to write less and wait. I panic so much about being misunderstood and upsetting people I just keep messaging. I can understand how it freaks people out a little. I just hate being misunderstood but in attempts to make myself understood I worry I make it worse.
Twitchy72
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Re: Does anyone else struggle with Online relationships?

Post by Twitchy72 »

Oh and thank you so much for your reply 😄
Tom fod
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Re: Does anyone else struggle with Online relationships?

Post by Tom fod »

You're very welcome. I too have suffered anxiety about being misunderstood or not being able to make the points I want to easily. This is particularly hampered me in my efforts to find a partner. I either care too much or sometimes it's the other way.

Some people will take exception no matter what you say. It is v much a self esteem thing and you're certainly not alone in that. In this time of instantaneous communication we often see a lack of response as a bad sign, rather than the people we're communicating with not placing the same priority on acknowledging or responding back. We then overthink, and catastrophise about overly long waits for a clear and positive response. I have a definite tendency to check my phone/facebook too much too often.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)
Twitchy72
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Re: Does anyone else struggle with Online relationships?

Post by Twitchy72 »

Afternoon Tom. Again thank you for your reply. That’s exactly it I wait for replies and get anxious when I don’t receive them as promptly as I’d like. It’s very frustrating. But I have to realise people have lives etc. I do get hurt though. I know I need to concentrate on other things I just find it hard.

Many Thanks

😁
Tom fod
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Re: Does anyone else struggle with Online relationships?

Post by Tom fod »

You're certainly not alone so please try to be kind to yourself. We all try to obtain validation from others and it can often be an excercise in futility!

We all find it hard to enact and bring our own plans to fruition. Finding others to invest in them is often a headache and it's easy to become discouraged.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)
happy13
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Re: Does anyone else struggle with Online relationships?

Post by happy13 »

Hi Twitchy72

I agree with what Tom has said. Don't be hash on yourself. Online relationships can be a struggle for both dyspraxics and non dyspraxics as can any relationship. I met my partner over 10 years ago on an online relationship but since I told them about being dyspraxic (almost 7 years ago) they don't understand and say it is my excuse for anything. So I now feel more alone than if I was single. Also why I am on here, they have gone out to a meeting with people we have just met, I feel awkward around new people so haven't gone and sitting home alone. Also from a non dyspraxic point of view, my son had an online thing with a girl in a town four hours away, they talked every day for 5 hours over 8 months, he then went to meet her, he felt she was the love of his life, and when she saw him she changed her mind, as he is slim and medium height, she had built in her head he was more muscular, even though they had shared photos to each other, so she then made an excuse all day that she wasn't feeling well, but still tried to kiss him and then 4 days later said she wanted to go back to her ex. So they can be a funny thing and people read into things differently. And don't worry about lack of response (unless it's over a week), I tend to forget to respond to friends all the time, and immediate response can seem like you don't have a life. Its hard not to get hurt but other interest will help. Sorry if this is just a ramble.
Tom fod
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Re: Does anyone else struggle with Online relationships?

Post by Tom fod »

I've given up on dating sites people can be so fickle and if you don't tick all the boxes as far as their ideal goes, they just move on to the next person. I'm sure that most people, dyspraxic or otherwise have much idea of what they actually need over what they want.

I think the problem is many people have vastly different interpretations of the 'laws of dating'. Some want you to be online to them 24/7 others are only receptive at certain times and if you message them too frequently you'll drive them away.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)
Xenavire
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Re: Does anyone else struggle with Online relationships?

Post by Xenavire »

I don't know if my experience will help anyone, but I met my girlfriend (of 11+ years and I intend on marrying her) online, a long distance relationship (NZ to Netherlands is about as long distance as you can get.)

First off, I wasn't on a dating site. I was on a Pokemon forum, looking for a friend or two, nothing more, when I found her post that she was also looking for friends. We got to talking, and I fell for her right away. I didn't beat around the bush - I told her how I felt and she felt the same. I knew I was in love within a week and as stupid as it sounds, I knew I wanted to marry her already.

Now, I made some mistakes (I was suffering from undiagnosed depression at the time) and I didn't have the funds to meet up with her, so the LDR portion lasted about 18-20 months or so. It wasn't easy, and it took a toll on both of us being so far apart, but during that time I worked on my depression. We eventually saved enough money together for the one-way trip (I went to her so she didn't have to leave her family behind, an easy choice since I'm kinda the black sheep of my family, one every generation - my mother and my great aunt were the same.)

So, to sum up, I needed to work on myself (the depression) to keep the relationship healthy, so that's a big first step. The second bulletpoint is that searching for love is often counterproductive - you start looking for the wrong things in the wrong places. I know I did and it made me miserable. Keep your eyes peeled and just go out with the goal of making friends. No good relationship can last without friendship as a base after all. The person you love is going to be your best friend through all the good and bad times. If you are lucky, you'll find someone that makes your world turn upside down, with the same interests as you, and they'll reciprocate.

I hope my experience is helpful to somebody.
RenegadeDyspraxic
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Re: Does anyone else struggle with Online relationships?

Post by RenegadeDyspraxic »

Hope I am not to late to the conversation (seeing as the thread started in July and at time of writing it is near the end of October).
Anyhow to answer your question, I must say that when it comes to making friends I personally don't really have that much of an issue. I used to have more of an issue a number of years ago than I do now. I believe that the two things which have helped me alot are:
1) Making a conscious effort to slow down my speech as I used to speak so loud and fast that people could barely understand what was said.
2) Making a conscious effort to go out and meet more people. This has in itself increased the number of friends that I have made.

Having said all that though, when it comes to romantic relationships, I always seem to fall flat on my face. Find it very hard to attract a girlfriend, let alone keep her. I tend to have difficulty in deciding whether a girl actually likes me or is just being friendly.
Fortunately I recently learnt that this is common with alot of Dyspraxics so feel safe in that I am not the only one to struggle.
Are you on Facebook? If so then why not sign up to the Dyspraxia Support Group, where you can chat with fellow Dyspraxics at https://www.facebook.com/groups/294976028092912/
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