Is my boyfriend treating me badly because of his dyspraxia?

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Is my boyfriend treating me badly because of his dyspraxia?

Post by Melissa »

my boyfriend is dyspraxic, he does a lot of things and I want to clear up whether they are related to his dyspraxia or not.

Lately I've had depression and I feel like this is when he started treating me badly.

I feel like my boyfriend is always ignoring me and always starts doing other things when I'm talking to him or he doesnt really reply to me a lot of the time. I feel really unloved and ignored. I don't feel like he puts in nearly as much effort as me, he ignores the fact we have a problem, he never wants to talk about it, he always says I'm putting him on the spot and I'm confusing him. I feel like I try to talk to him and he doesn't want to hear it. He always says I'm threatening to break up with him but I'm just letting him know that if we carry on like this we'll break up because I don't want that so I'm trying to stop it. I cry and he sometimes doesn't do anything and it confuses me. I don't feel like he respects me anymore. He seems to have this bad attitude and he always feels like he isn't doing anything wrong. I feel like he dismisses my feelings. He says things that upset me and I tell him and he keeps doing it, he keeps telling me not to cry and saying that he doesn't understand and that I was fine earlier, this makes me feel so bad,he never thinks before he speaks. He takes things really personally, he ignores what's happening, he makes so many excuses and I feel like he never listens to me. I feel like he's quite selfish, he says he puts me first and he blames everything on his memory. I don't feel like he loves me but he insists he does.

Once we were at a service station because I felt sick so we had to stop driving. I felt so sick, I couldn't get back in the car. We had been sat in the service station for a couple hours and I had been sick, I just wanted a cuddle and to lean against him as it made my head feel a bit better, but he wouldn't let me until he finished buying me a present online for Valentine's Day. This really confused me I told him that I just needed to cuddle him and lean on him, how is buying me a present more important than that? Whenever I think he is listening to me he doesn't answer or he answers something that doesn't fit what I said and if I ask him what I said he doesn't know.

We have been together for 2.5 years, I am 23, he is 27. We were actually engaged but I don't think like he's treating me right and I've taken my ring off whilst we try to move forward because I do want to stay together. I want to know if you think this is because if his dyspraxia or if he is maybe not as great as I thought :(

Sometimes I feel like it's all my fault but I can't ignore how I feel and to be honest how I feel is completely ignored.

Sorry if this makes no sense
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Re: Is my boyfriend treating me badly because of his dyspraxia?

Post by Tom fod »

Hi iMelissa

t's not unreasonable or wrong for you to feel like this and he needs to support you as well as the other way around.

This does make sense but its a little bit of a poisoned chalice for us here to try and answer.

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Re: Is my boyfriend treating me badly because of his dyspraxia?

Post by Jim »

If he's treating you badly it's not because he's dyspraxic.

No. For what ever reason at this point in his life he isn't a very nice person but it shouldn't be specifically be attributed to dyspraxia.

We dyspraxics can have difficulty in processing information and quite often communicating with people.. but he doesn't seem to be making the effort does he?

The way my relationship works is that my partner and I do things to make each other happy. We support each other emotionally.
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Re: Is my boyfriend treating me badly because of his dyspraxia?

Post by Shadwell »

Hi Melissa,

I agree with Tom, this is a poisoned challice,

from personal experience, then maybe the times you are talking about could be attributed to something like ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), which can be a cousin to Dyslexia, and Dsypraxia, as you say you wanted a cuddle while he was ordering you a present.

well I know I get really frustrated using a mobile device for texting people, as my 2 main buttons easily pressed are delete and send, because I have hand-eye co-ordination issues, and diagnosed with the hand-eye co-ordination of a 6 year old, plus need to totally zone out of all other distractions while doing it otherwise words will fly out of my mouth, that are totally un-intentional, they are hurtful words at the same time.

not to be nasty or anything, it just happens because of the frustration linked to the problem of large fingures, and small buttons, and the hand-eye co-ordination frustrations, and also possibly ADD which as far as I am aware then I am not diagnosed with, but there are times when I do need to completely zone out, and just concerntrate on just one thing at a time, to make up for my problems.

I was actually 30 when I had my diagnosis results, and so had what really about 28 years of struggling by myself. my father was always verbally abusive, and caused serious arguments with my mother, and there telling my mother not to help me at all. speach therapy for 2 sessions when I started school, and then he decided as I was splitting up my words to pronounce them properly, that it was making my speech worse, and so that was another several arguements between my parents, and my mother had to promise to stop taking me immediately.

and while I don't blame my mother as she was trying to help me, my father kind of seen it as another excuse for another arguement so to say, or certainly what it seemed like to a six year old, and then my brother taking the **** because I couldn't pronounce words properly especially words that I knew how they sounded, but didn't even know the spellings for, so kind of struggled all through my life, and yes I clambed up into my own little world of just myself, and just seemed a hell of a lot easier, and less hastle for everyone, as I knew talking to my mother would cause another arguement with my parents, I couldn't speak to my brother, so I had to shut myself off from my family completely, and live my own exsistance as a lonely person, who was just there for meal times, or to watch tv, and never mention a word to anyone, and never felt, or able to speak to anyone at all about my problems, as wasn't allowed to see the doctor by myself, or certainly not before my parents had laid in the riot act to them. and verbally abusing me by saying they are seriously considering putting me into care.

it wasn't until I got the diagnosis that I could actually start to open up a very small amount with my mother, and that was aged 30, but with straangers or a gf, then I would still clamb up into my own kind of world.

that is why I am kind of glad there is somewhere like this, so that younger people can talk about problems.

so it might not just be the Dyspraxia, it might be other things as well, that he has learned not to mention, or speak about at all, or trying not to speak about his problems because it might open up a bigger can or worms for the fire, and that is why it seems confrontational to him, as he is trying to keep that side of himself, to himself.

so please don't think it is you personally, he just might need time to come to terms, and get to a stage in his life whereby he feels ready to open up, and to be 100% honnest with you, and know it isn't going to be the last thing he tells you before you breakup with him.

I know you want him to speak to you about this so that maybe you aren't left in the dark all the time, but that won't happen by putting him in the spot light, and making him feel like you are asking him 1,001 questions, as in that situation someone that has clambed up for so many years is either thinking you are after an excuse to breakup with them, or over thinking things as to why you are asking these sorts of questions. and while it might be to understand him better, he won't see it that way until he is ready.

and yes it is a lonely place to be, as you can't get the answers you want right now, but just relax, take it day by day, and show him that you are a rock for him, and be there to support him, and show him that you are there for the long haul, I don't mean get engaged, I don't mean marry him tomorrow, it could take years for him to feel ready to open up with you, or maybe never, but that would have to be his choice
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Re: Is my boyfriend treating me badly because of his dyspraxia?

Post by Ram »

Hi Melissa,

Thank you for coming on and asking genuine questions without making mindless and hurtful generalizations about dyspraxics like some other posters have done.

I'm not sure if I can offer much useful advice as an outsider, but I'll try to give you something to think about.

I think the misunderstanding where he insisted on completing the task of buying you your present online before cuddling you may be a male /female thing rather than a dyspraxic issue. Men tend to think that by fixing the problem they will make their female partner happy. But this often completely the wrong thing to do. Have you read the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus?

Shadwell gave some excellent insight into the psychological primary and secondary effects of dyspraxia.

One more potential issue has crossed my mind. Did he have any experience with romantic relationships before he met you? Lack of experience may explain why he is doing the wrong thing too often . There is a tendency for dyspraxics to be late bloomers when it comes to relationships,

Anyway, I hope that you are able to make some headway with everything.
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