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Friends letting you down (what to do?)

Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 6:30 am
by Auron
I had some very close friends let me down recently.

Without going into details, I had planned a large event over a few days (which did involve something similar to public music gigs) where some of my closest friends were integral to the proceedings.

The time table we're talking about is like:
6 months in advance; mentioned the idea
4 months; confirmed positive interest
6~8 weeks; marked definite diary dates (on times I cross references with everyone's date to make sure they were free),
3-4 weeks; booked everything.


Then perhaps 2/3 weeks before the event (while hanging out, all having travelled long distances to be there) I had an inkling that one of my friends actually had festival tickets the days of my upcoming event and thus would not be coming (despite the fact that he didn't say as much).
I casually assumed that once he knew for certain that he could not come, he would let me know.
As the days moved on, they separately mentioned potential reasons why the may not be able to "guarantee" attendance, but nothing set in stone.
I reiterated that the event would be able to go ahead so long as about 66% of the gang (all of whom were originally free) could still attend and so I didn't worry I would have to cancel everything, and they seemed happy with that.

As the days counted down, those reasons thay each had (mostly, fairly genuine) started to become more and more pronounced and then finally on the night two days before kick off, I got, via text message, conformation that no-one was coming and asking wither I'd be OK handling the several day of work I had arranged, by myself (some of these were gigs that were, by now, being advertised on local radio).


I don't know where to start, I never had friends as close as these guys, literally. We would all travel from god-knows-where (4,5,6,7 hours travelling) and spend a day or two catching up and working together on stuff before eventually travelling back to our regular lives and now instead of a few days hanging out and working together, I had to work harder then I've ever worked just to cover for their last minute confirmation of 100% non attendance.
I feel so let down, like if I even try to explain it, considering they individually had OK reasons not to travel this one time, My issues would sound ridiculous.
I mean it was shitty luck, but it wasn't all shitty luck. They each had weeks to notify me they could not come for definite and I could have at least cancelled everything.

On the one hand if I play it down and act like it was no big deal, I'll probably have my friends back, but for how long? Knowing I can never trust them enough to plan projects with them like the ones we've already been doing will be the beginning of the end of the "force" keeping me friends enough to travel long distances to do stuff together.

But then the other option is to explain exactly how I feel and hope that it makes sense to them, because if it doesn't then they are people that I clearly did not understand properly to begin with... I'm dreading hearing something like "OK, I said I'm sorry, I'm not THAT sorry, after all I had this excuse" and that'll be a different and equally real, beginning of the end, this time because it was my own mistake imagining we were so far, 'going out of our way' to do projects together, where as in fact it was only me, while the rest were just going with the flow if-and-when it suited.


Right now I don't know wither I'm trying to prepare myself to lose the closest circle of friends I've ever had, or, trying to wait until my feelings have been digested and sorted enough that my communication with them isn't an angry, let-down, projectile-vomit-of-text.

Advice welcome, and thank you for allowing me to vent.

Re: Friends letting you down (what to do?)

Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2015 6:14 pm
by Jim
Maybe, though as people get older they have other priorities and responsibilities.

I think sometimes it's easy to feel let down, but we also have to be careful of our expectations of other people.

Re: Friends letting you down (what to do?)

Posted: Fri Sep 11, 2015 9:34 pm
by George H
I have lost count how many times that I have been let down.

It was my birthday recently, and in order to feel less vulnerable I wanted someone to help me with finding me someone (preferably female) to go with me on a trip to Scotland (280 miles on the coach). I had to go on my own in the end.

There was event that I was "invited" to up there. The problem was that when I got to where it was based and saw what was happening there, my anxiety and social phobias kicked in and I just couldn't wait to leave. I doubt that it would have happened if I went with someone.

I think that it is an extension to the bullying I had in the school playground some 25 to 30 years ago. Since then I have never really got on with people of my own age group. Hopefully as I trust older people, this should improve for me when I eventually get into that age bracket.