Lust and Commitment Problems

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Germz
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Lust and Commitment Problems

Post by Germz »

Hi guys,

I am new on here and just wondering if any of you guys experience problems with lust and commitment in relationships. For example, I have been with my girlfriend (whom i met online) for about 6 weeks now, and we've been best friends for about 3-4 years beforehand, we're due to meet this thursday for the first time.

I have this problem where I can like somebody whilst with another person. Now I would never cheat on a girl because I have been cheated on many times. But I can be lusting or crushing on someone whilst I'm with another. Now obviously this is bad because I should be obsessed with my current partner.

I've not had many relationships but I often feel trapped and freedom-less when in them unless I have known them previously a long time. Therefore I often find myself in long distance relationships, Though I would like to find someone closer ofc.

At the moment, there is a girl that I really like that I met at university, and I knew her before me and my best friend got together. It is really hard because i dont know if i want to be more than friends with her, I don't want to hurt my girlfriend, I just wish I could be free to not always be attached to one person. Is this normal? and do any of you experience this?

Thankyou.
Tom fod
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Re: Lust and Commitment Problems

Post by Tom fod »

I seem to be eternally single but I do worry that unconsciously I at turns may come across as being interested in just sex or the other extreme 'too clingy'. Maybe unconsciously I'm also scared of commitment as I fear being tied down as my options will become decidedly narrower. However I'm a big believer in loyalty and while it sometimes seems as though I might be losing out given what others seem (at least at first sight) to get away with, I have to live with myself.

It's only human to look at others but you need to also ensure you properly appreciate what you already have and not lose sight of it. We all look but we need to be discreet about it so as not to cause upset and insecurity. Equally being discreet should not be secretive as that can only breed mistrust

I don't think these feelings are confined to dyspraxics I believe they're applicable across the whole male (and maybe to some extent the female?) population. I know there's an argument that our primal instincts are to breed but equally we have a responsibility to take care of both our own and the emotional well being of others and avoid ending up on The Jeremy Kyle Show. I think we're often hyper aware of our emotions and are in a habit of trying to assess and obsessing as to how and/or whether we fit with the norms as we/others interpret them and it all becomes increasingly confusing.

I'd say give it a go with your longtime friend first and see how that works out. By all means be a friend to the other girl but one at a time please.

Hope this helps
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
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jumble
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Re: Lust and Commitment Problems

Post by jumble »

Hello

I have just been diagnosed with Dyspraxia after bloody years of knowing there must be something wrong with me- I don't know much about it yet but I wanted to talk to other people to see if they have similar symptoms to me. I am 26 years old and get a lot of male attention but I just hardly feel comfortable with a single person (so when I do I want to be with them all the time) although these are my problems in terms of relationships (which is probably why I am single all the time!) If someone flirts with me or smiles I just do not know what to do back, so I only end up with someone if they make it glaringly obvious or do not give up. I can be really clingy or really distant..to the point of being cold. Which as I have been told is too confusing. I do not have the confidence to tell someone how I feel even If I know they love me or care about me. With Sex I am so inhibited at times even If I don't want to be! Its just in the moment I can't bring myself to do certain things- I am not even shy really but I am so worried that I am going to do something wrong!So I usually look like a really selfish lover/ I love kissing and sex but too scared to experiment even though I want to! So I end up looking boring,odd or selfish. When I have been with someone for while and really like them I am thinking too much about what they think of me- I can usually be more sexually open with someone I don't care about or know I won't see again which is absurd!!!

I also have a huge grass is always greener complex (but that just might be my individual personality)

anyway this does not make sense but in other areas of life I cannot make decisions, I change my mind all the time. I find it takes me ages to get over things, I am very sensitive and If I am upset about something I won't let anyone touch me..

Sometimes people annoy me so much for no reason and I cannot be around them-

I just would love to speak to other people to find out similar symptoms because before I was diagnosed I thought I might have something else wrong with me, I just want to have a normal relationship!

ALSO work and career- well thats just all over the place too!

any replies or chat would be very helpful!
Tom fod
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Re: Lust and Commitment Problems

Post by Tom fod »

Hi Jumble,
Welcome to the forums (or fora)

The problem with being even a little dyspraxic is the lack of confidence and low self esteem that come with it. We're very good at comparing ourselves to others and then beating ourselves up over what we are not good at. Really we should be looking for things we are good at and improving at things we can improve at more gradually instead of as we are apt to feel and do 'flogging a dead horse'.

I don't really have any experience of sexual relationships as I suppose I have been too afraid to take a chance as I've always feared being hurt and I now fear that I will be judged on my lack of experience.
I'm hoping gains I have managed to achieve as far as independence and work are concerned, may hopefully help me change this sometime soon.
Tom
Moderator/Administrator

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)
Clumsy_Not_Careless
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Re: Lust and Commitment Problems

Post by Clumsy_Not_Careless »

I understand how you feel. Even though I have never cheated, I have been known to have felt entrapped in relationships. The first guy I dated hated the idea of me having friends to the point of making up lies about them disliking me, etc. The guy I'm with now is the complete opposite, even though I love him to pieces and love spending time with him, I like to have my space and sometimes would prefer spending time alone with friends. :) Though I worry that if I do it too much, I'd feel I'd be neglecting him.

I'm now caught in a dilemma as one of my close uni friends (male) whom I haven't seen for ages since we graduated, invited me to go to a festival with him. I've always wanted to go to a music festival, as I've never been to one before. But my boyfriend is the sort of person who'd rather stay indoors and watch TV in his (and my) company rather be in a loud place packed with people. I actually had a crush on this friend whilst I was at uni, despite being in a relationship. I never acted upon it and remained close friends with him. Obviously my current boyfriend never knew about my little short-term crushy phase I had on this friend. The phase has passed now, but I would totally go to this festival with no second thoughts if I was single. Because I have a boyfriend, I wonder if spending 3 nights (and possibly sharing a tent) alone with this friend I used to fancy would be playing with fire. And again, I worry if he'd feel that I'd be ditching him for a friend... But I don't want to spend next summer being sat infront of the TV!! Relationships hey :)
Tim G
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Re: Lust and Commitment Problems

Post by Tim G »

I am in a long term relationship and there is distance and we don't see each other that much - it is complicated because of many reasons (I wont go into) and there have been other people (on both sides), again I wont go into it.

At the end of the day we love each other very much but the thing is we are open not that its a open relationship as such there is just honesty and that we can talk about things. Thats really the key to relationships it dosent necessarily mean you have to stay, have feelings for, be sexual with the one person necessarily there just has to be a level of trust and above all openness and honesty.

Clumsy - my advice for the summer is go for it but talk to your boyfriend about it first, having been to a festival and planning on going to more they are grate but I would recommend aggensed sharing a tent with someone (unless its large enough) as it will get cramped and messy - ones persons booze, food, cloths and other festival gear takes up a tent let alone two people.
Would your boyfriend want to go to the festival as well or is it completely not his thing - it is not everyone's thing but you could ask.
The real Mr Potato Head
Clumsy_Not_Careless
Getting settled in
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Re: Lust and Commitment Problems

Post by Clumsy_Not_Careless »

It's completely not his thing :p I decided not to go in the end as work wouldn't allow me to have that time off anyway. I understand though about the whole commitment issue. Everyone keeps banging on about when my boyfriend and I will get married and it actually does my head in because im not interested in marriage and kids at all. It was even more frustrating when I was having this thing for the other guy :p I find the concept of marriage and kids to be too restricting, sometimes I could even find being in a long term relationship too restricting with certain things I want to do when my boyfriend doesn't. Like the festival situation :p But on the other hand I would feel like the worst person in the world if I abandon him! :p
Tim G
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Joined: Sun Sep 11, 2011 11:57 pm
Location: Basingstoke - UK

Re: Lust and Commitment Problems

Post by Tim G »

I know this is a late reply (been off the forum as the last moth has been very busy for me).
About the whole marriage and kids thing - I completely have the same view, I don't want to get married and I certantly don't want to have kids. If anyone goes on at me about it i just say simply that I am not interested and its not going to happen and that's the end of it. I know there is a slight difference as women will often get asked about it a lot more then men.

Being in a long term relationship does not have to be restricting yes your with that person but it does not mean you have to do everything together, see each other all the time etc etc or even solely be intermate with that one person - open relationships can work.

I have been with my girlfriend for years now its not typical by any means but it still works and there are our hobbies / events that I go to and she dosent want to be a part of and visa versa - its not a bad thing or that you cant be with that person as long as you communicate and talk to each other about it.
The real Mr Potato Head
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