Relationships Vs dyspraxia?

[Sole92]

Hi all

Was diagnosed in uni (on reflection school severely let me down) . I'm in a long term relationship and live with my partner but the dyspraxia Is really driving a wedge and wondering if anybody else can relate?

E.g we go to restaurants and 99% of the time I spill something down me and he gets desperately embarrassd. I try so hard with the washing up but Pans etc are always still greasy. My makeup always smudges and he tells me as if I did it on purpose???!!! The last straw was when I was accidentally too heavy coming down on the bed and the wooden slats broke and he got angry as were Inna tenancy and says I jump and am too heavy footed. I really, really can't help it. I try so hard to the point I'm constantly in tears wanting to be normal. I know I'm making him sound like an awful person but he's not,l he's just exhausted at my mannerisms. I don't think he truly gets it but I don't know how to make him understand/? Wondering if anybody else is in a similar sitch:)

[Tom fod]

Hi all

Was diagnosed in uni (on reflection school severely let me down) . I'm in a long term relationship and live with my partner but the dyspraxia Is really driving a wedge and wondering if anybody else can relate?

E.g we go to restaurants and 99% of the time I spill something down me and he gets desperately embarrassd. I try so hard with the washing up but Pans etc are always still greasy. My makeup always smudges and he tells me as if I did it on purpose???!!! The last straw was when I was accidentally too heavy coming down on the bed and the wooden slats broke and he got angry as were Inna tenancy and says I jump and am too heavy footed. I really, really can't help it. I try so hard to the point I'm constantly in tears wanting to be normal. I know I'm making him sound like an awful person but he's not,l he's just exhausted at my mannerisms. I don't think he truly gets it but I don't know how to make him understand/? Wondering if anybody else is in a similar sitch:)

Hi and welcome

There's no easy way to say this so I'll come straight out with it. I believe his reactions to your mistakes are actually exacerbating your problems. The more frightened and nervous you are about getting things wrong and his reaction, the more your dyspraxic traits will show through. There is very often a direct relationship between stress and anxiety and dyspraxia and it is key to break or lessen this. He needs to accept and love you for who you are, mannerisms and all.

[Purple Hedgehog]

Ok, so whilst I sort of agree with Tom, I'm also going to give a slightly different side. It depends on how he is doing it and maybe how it makes you feel. I look at this from 2 sides.

I had a boyfriend who is autistic, part of his autism was poor co-ordination, similar to dyspraxia so I understood some things and sometimes had the same symptom as him, however, there were times that some of his behaviours were really embarrasing or really annoyed me and made me feel like I couldnt fit in with the rest of the social circle because these things autrasised us. I dont think, I ever had the confidence to calmly explain to him in a non emotional moment how it made me feel but I knew that most of the time, he didnt realise what he is doing.

Also, as a dyspraxic, I often have situations at work or with my family where I dont realise how my behaviours may come across as rude or annoy others. I tell people at work to please tell me. I may feel bad for 5 minutes but if they dont tell me, I cant try to recify the issue. If its at work, I have to try as its kind of an expectation of my job or just generally being part of the team. I suppose you could say the same about relationships, if you want to keep the relationship going you have to try and rectify some of these things,

(eg. I suffer with heavy footedness too, once as part of a uni course, I had to stay in someone's house. My heavy footedness on the stairs was causing the house to shake and wake her so she was tired the next morning and worried about the state of her house. I had a responsibility as part of being a good tenant to try and stop when she asked because it was unfair to her to be unable to sleep in her own home or have damage to her house. I also have an example where said ex was having a lot of trouble with neighbours because I was shutting a door too loudly to the pint where he was at risk of losing flat due to complaints made)

However, its also up to your boyfriend to understand that this is due to your dyspraxia (which he may do already) and try to find/suggest things that may help you find a solution to the problem. (which may include spending less time or only doing certain activities/places together (like it did with me and my boyfriend because he was uncomfortable in certain public spaces). He also has a responsibility to explain how the behaviours are hurting him, in a calm, kind and helpful manner prehaps when they are not occuring so that he does not have as much emotion involved.

Also, I understand you cant help some of the things you are doing but it would probably really help him, when you still take responsibility for them. So just to take the examples above, explain you cant wash up well and suggest he washes and you dry and put away. Someone will have to pay and report the damage to the bed to the landlord so seeing as you broke it offer to deal with it yourself so he doesnt have to deal with the stress and embarrassment of something that is a reasonable expectation not to happen (to any average person) and definately wasnt his fault. If you spilling your food in public really annoys him, eat at home to save him the embarrassment. (That's what me and my boyfriend did).

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edited by Shadwell to make it easier to read than 1 long paragraph, please remember to seperate sentences in the future, makes reading it a little easier.

[Sunflower94]

Hi all

Was diagnosed in uni (on reflection school severely let me down) . I'm in a long term relationship and live with my partner but the dyspraxia Is really driving a wedge and wondering if anybody else can relate?

E.g we go to restaurants and 99% of the time I spill something down me and he gets desperately embarrassd. I try so hard with the washing up but Pans etc are always still greasy. My makeup always smudges and he tells me as if I did it on purpose???!!! The last straw was when I was accidentally too heavy coming down on the bed and the wooden slats broke and he got angry as were Inna tenancy and says I jump and am too heavy footed. I really, really can't help it. I try so hard to the point I'm constantly in tears wanting to be normal. I know I'm making him sound like an awful person but he's not,l he's just exhausted at my mannerisms. I don't think he truly gets it but I don't know how to make him understand/? Wondering if anybody else is in a similar sitch:)

Hi sole92, sorry to hear you're going through this. I think that he should see things like this as your quirks, what's fun about you and what makes you you. I try to always make a joke out of my dyspraxia, which I appreciate isn't easy for everyone, but it is what makes me who I am, and I hope that my family and friends love me for it. I think the same should apply for your boyfriend, definitely don't change who you are or feel ashamed because of it. If he doesn't like it then it's his loss! Hope things work out for you

[Tom fod]

Thanks Purple Hedgehog and Patrick

It's nice to have other perspectives besides my own and so often we need to take the time to understand why someone reacts or responds in the way they do to certain things.