Hi,
I'm currently in my first year at Uni and i (19M) met my boyfriend (19M) about 4 months ago and we started dating. He has dyspraxia and i do feel like i'm doing a lot of the work and i don't mean this derogatorily, but i feel like i'm doing all of the manual stuff in the relationship, including cooking, most of the cleaning, the laundry most weeks. whenever i suggest to him about learning to cook so that we can do it together and i'm not cooking every night he brings up his dyspraxia and i know i shouldn't, but as someone who doesn't have dyspraxia i feel like he uses it as an excuse to get out of a lot of the chores? I just need some advice because I'm just feeling like because i'm doing a lot of the stuff in the relationship and i think it maybe seeping into our relationship? i love him but idk if it's an equal investment. i've also been taking care of all of the housing for next year at uni so i just need some advice on how to approach this, because i'm feeling a bit out of my depth here. (this is also my first relationship).
Any advice would be really appreciated
my boyfriend has dyspraxia and i don't know how to approach splitting up chores, cause i'm doing so much rn
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Re: my boyfriend has dyspraxia and i don't know how to approach splitting up chores, cause i'm doing so much rn
Hi
Every dyspraxic is an individual and there could be numerous reasons. These might include a fear of doing things badly or wrong because with others it has spiralled into conflict further decreasing his self-esteem and willingness to try. For example at home no one gave him opportunity to learn how and what to do so he doesn't know where to start and is so embarrassed he tries to cover up by avoidance of tasks.
You'll have to ask him and he may struggle to answer on the spot There is a degree of crossover of dyspraxic traits and ADHD too and this can make applying ourselves difficult.How To ADHD is worth a look for additional potential insight.
Every dyspraxic is an individual and there could be numerous reasons. These might include a fear of doing things badly or wrong because with others it has spiralled into conflict further decreasing his self-esteem and willingness to try. For example at home no one gave him opportunity to learn how and what to do so he doesn't know where to start and is so embarrassed he tries to cover up by avoidance of tasks.
You'll have to ask him and he may struggle to answer on the spot There is a degree of crossover of dyspraxic traits and ADHD too and this can make applying ourselves difficult.How To ADHD is worth a look for additional potential insight.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
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Moderator/Administrator
With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)
Re: my boyfriend has dyspraxia and i don't know how to approach splitting up chores, cause i'm doing so much rn
Hi there !
I have dyspraxia and last year, I lived with my girlfriend (we met as roommates), so I identify with your boyfriend’s situation.
Tom is absolutely right in identifying the discouragement/self-esteem issue. I have some really bad memories of doing things wrong or being criticised harshly by housemates for doing things wrong. I recommend framing the conversation with curiosity and asking about his relationship to tidying etc.
You might find that he has an aversion to say, washing the dishes, because the sensation of water is uncomfortable ! Or indeed, it is stressful to do the laundry because sometimes we forget it’s there and then it smells and the whole thing is chaos !
I understand how stressful and tiring this must be. I felt very guilty for making my loved one feel uncomfortable in her home and it was really a lot of pressure. Please take things easy and remember that dyspraxia doesn’t get cured but can only be better managed, and sometimes things go wrong when we don’t intend it to.
If at all possible, try and help your beloved see the enjoyment/benefit of tasks for himself. I sort of taught myself that I didn’t like a tidy house, and that was cause I simply wasn’t capable of doing it. Now, sometimes but not always, I’m able to organise myself and enjoy my living space.
These strategies include using timers to keep me on top of what’s going on, establishing routines (where possible) and using post it notes (for myself!) everywhere like “clean dish” or “take out laundry”. Using the iPhone clock app can be helpful to set alarms and label them with what to do, or use the reminders app to do the same.
I think it’s really great that you’ve reached out to find out more and I hope some response will lighten the (laundry) load and keep your relationship strong.
Best,
Ali
I have dyspraxia and last year, I lived with my girlfriend (we met as roommates), so I identify with your boyfriend’s situation.
Tom is absolutely right in identifying the discouragement/self-esteem issue. I have some really bad memories of doing things wrong or being criticised harshly by housemates for doing things wrong. I recommend framing the conversation with curiosity and asking about his relationship to tidying etc.
You might find that he has an aversion to say, washing the dishes, because the sensation of water is uncomfortable ! Or indeed, it is stressful to do the laundry because sometimes we forget it’s there and then it smells and the whole thing is chaos !
I understand how stressful and tiring this must be. I felt very guilty for making my loved one feel uncomfortable in her home and it was really a lot of pressure. Please take things easy and remember that dyspraxia doesn’t get cured but can only be better managed, and sometimes things go wrong when we don’t intend it to.
If at all possible, try and help your beloved see the enjoyment/benefit of tasks for himself. I sort of taught myself that I didn’t like a tidy house, and that was cause I simply wasn’t capable of doing it. Now, sometimes but not always, I’m able to organise myself and enjoy my living space.
These strategies include using timers to keep me on top of what’s going on, establishing routines (where possible) and using post it notes (for myself!) everywhere like “clean dish” or “take out laundry”. Using the iPhone clock app can be helpful to set alarms and label them with what to do, or use the reminders app to do the same.
I think it’s really great that you’ve reached out to find out more and I hope some response will lighten the (laundry) load and keep your relationship strong.
Best,
Ali