Dating someone with dyspraxia

[Corketta]

I met a man end of last year and he was just different to anyone I’d come cross and I couldn’t put my finger on it, I just knew I really liked him. Turns out he has dyspraxia which I had never even heard of. We started dating early Feb and fell in love very quickly and have a lot in common. But we both aren’t overly experienced with relationships - I have anxiety and depression leading to low self esteem. It’s not been an easy time due to our separate issues making things so much harder. However I’ve been doing a lot of research and trying to understand his behaviour and mannerisms, etc. Things were improving then his mother came back from a very long holiday and suddenly we barely spend time together as she treats him like a pseudo husband and I think she is used to taking care of him more than normal so treats him like a child. He’s now in his late 30s. I am certain he is less independent because of that and it led to us breaking up as I didn’t feel he was seeing me enough or making me a priority. We couldn’t even see each other one full day on a weekend so couldn’t even make plans due to his mother. He gets really stressed and emotional when I bring it up and he finds it very difficult to say no to his mother who he is very close to. We all live in the same town. She plans so many things for him in advance and friends make plans and I feel like I’m slotted in after everything. But he seems to really like a schedule and planned events. But it makes me feel like I’m not important to him as I’ve never had to ‘book myself into’ a partners life before. He also seems to need a day just to sort ‘flat stuff’ and if he doesn’t get enough sleep he can’t cope so he often wants to sleep in his flat rather than us together. He can’t seem to handle much confrontation or relationship issues. He seems ‘spacey’ at times, very forgetful, trouble listening, bad memory, very tired after eating, tired after work/at night. Needs to concentrate a lot when driving. My question is whether any or all of these issues are dyspraxia related or does he just not see me as a priority? It’s only been a few months and he’s only had one serious relationship that lasted less than a year over 8 years ago.

[Tom fod]

I met a man end of last year and he was just different to anyone I’d come cross and I couldn’t put my finger on it, I just knew I really liked him. Turns out he has dyspraxia which I had never even heard of. We started dating early Feb and fell in love very quickly and have a lot in common. But we both aren’t overly experienced with relationships - I have anxiety and depression leading to low self esteem. It’s not been an easy time due to our separate issues making things so much harder. However I’ve been doing a lot of research and trying to understand his behaviour and mannerisms, etc.

Things were improving then his mother came back from a very long holiday and suddenly we barely spend time together as she treats him like a pseudo husband and I think she is used to taking care of him more than normal so treats him like a child. He’s now in his late 30s. I am certain he is less independent because of that and it led to us breaking up as I didn’t feel he was seeing me enough or making me a priority. We couldn’t even see each other one full day on a weekend so couldn’t even make plans due to his mother.

He gets really stressed and emotional when I bring it up and he finds it very difficult to say no to his mother who he is very close to. We all live in the same town. She plans so many things for him in advance and friends make plans and I feel like I’m slotted in after everything. But he seems to really like a schedule and planned events. But it makes me feel like I’m not important to him as I’ve never had to ‘book myself into’ a partners life before. He also seems to need a day just to sort ‘flat stuff’ and if he doesn’t get enough sleep he can’t cope so he often wants to sleep in his flat rather than us together.

He can’t seem to handle much confrontation or relationship issues. He seems ‘spacey’ at times, very forgetful, trouble listening, bad memory, very tired after eating, tired after work/at night. Needs to concentrate a lot when driving. My question is whether any or all of these issues are dyspraxia related or does he just not see me as a priority? It’s only been a few months and he’s only had one serious relationship that lasted less than a year over 8 years ago.

We're all unique, there are some general commonalities and shared experiences but we all respond/react and or adapt differently depending om our experiences and influences. It's v much a case of if you've met one dyspraxic, you've met one dyspraxic. Some of the Dyspraxic traits crossover with and or can also be attributed to the likes of ADHD and or Autism (though people might not necessarily meet clinical/diagnostic threshold to receive a formal diagnosis or want, need or be able to pursue one/them).

Living with dyspraxia can make us feel like we have no control, we might want to try to control things and or other people (in my experience it's not a good idea since it does not work!) We aren't always good at picking up on non-verbal cues so you might need to be more direct but not so direct that he sees it as hostile and retreats, it sounds like you need to convince him, his mother and his other friends family that you're not a threat and while you do want time together you will still let him see his mother every once in a while. Fatigue can be a thing and some dyspraxics do find they have to work much harder to achieve the same results as our more neurotypical peers.We can sometimes seem very contradictory in many things and may have past traumas we don't want to unpack. (but maybe need to face up to resolve and move on from)

Hope this gives you some potential insights, though the only way to really know is to ask him giving him sufficient time to reflect and provide you with a response. This can / may be be difficult for him to unpick and understand, then put into words that land well with you. We all too often have a lot of anxieties and these can frighten and/or confuse us causing us to want to retreat and avoid the difficult conversations we need to have so we can more forward.

[Corketta]

Thanks for the response, greatly appreciated. He’s decided that despite his strong feelings for me, he doesn’t want to continue the relationship. He feels there is nothing he needs to change and doesn’t want to. And that his relationship with his mother is normal. Everyone around him knows his relationship with his mother is dysfunctional and holding him back but he’s the only one who can change that. So I am going to move on with my life.

[Kyiopriii]

I met a man end of last year and he was just different to anyone I’d come cross and I couldn’t put my finger on it, I just knew I really liked him. Turns out he has dyspraxia which I had never even heard of. We started dating early Feb and fell in love very quickly and have a lot in common. But we both aren’t overly experienced with relationships - I have anxiety and depression leading to low self esteem. It’s not been an easy time due to our separate issues making things so much harder. However I’ve been doing a lot of research and trying to understand his behaviour and mannerisms, etc. Things were improving then his mother came back from a very long holiday and suddenly we barely spend time together as she treats him like a pseudo husband and I think she is used to taking care of him more than normal so treats him like a child. He’s now in his late 30s. I am certain he is less independent because of that and it led to us breaking up as I didn’t feel he was seeing me enough or making me a priority. We couldn’t even see each other one full day on a weekend so couldn’t even make plans due to his mother. He gets really stressed and emotional when I bring it up and he finds it very difficult to say no to his mother who he is very close to. We all live in the same town. She plans so many things for him in advance and friends make plans and I feel like I’m slotted in after everything. But he seems to really like a schedule and planned events. But it makes me feel like I’m not important to him as I’ve never had to ‘book myself into’ a partners life before. He also seems to need a day just to sort ‘flat stuff’ and if he doesn’t get enough sleep he can’t cope so he often wants to sleep in his flat rather than us together. He can’t seem to handle much confrontation or relationship issues. He seems ‘spacey’ at times, very forgetful, trouble listening, bad memory, very tired after eating, tired after work/at night. Needs to concentrate a lot when driving. My question is whether any or all of these issues are dyspraxia related or does he just not see me as a priority? It’s only been a few months and he’s only had one serious relationship that lasted less than a year over 8 years ago.

Of course any case is unique. He might not realise what your needs are in a relationship, or what you expect from him. The best way to solve everything is to have an honest talk, set priorities and see if you are compatible. Love is about respect, changing your habits and become better for your partner. If you don't feel like your relationship is heading that way, I don't think there is any point to lose time and energy.