Help

[Struggling partner]

Hello everyone :-)

I’m hoping maybe some of you could provide me with a bit of insight to help save my relationship please.

Myself and my partner have been together nearly 5 years he has dyspraxia (got diagnosed as an adult) .we’ve lived together about 18 months I have a 18 year old daughter that lives with us from my previous relationship) we also run a cafe / takeaway business together so work together to run our own business.

His dyspraxia behaviour traits that I am struggling to manage within our relationship are his abruptness and his subsequent actions when he gets into frustrations. I’m really patient with him not being able to verbalise his thoughts. I don’t push or pry or rush him. But lately when he’s getting frustrated he’s lashing out verbally. when he’s been getting stressed (about work) he’s been mixing the two things us .. and work. So he gets stressed and packs his bags and leaves. I accept him for exactly who he is good and bad parts but the leaving and saying tactless and hurtful things and becoming increasingly few and far between. He left 4 times in one month and told me we’d were no longer a couple and we’d never ever be getting back together. Which came as a shock to me as he leaves all the time and I don’t know what to prepare for.

I gave him space told him I loved him and he doesn’t need to keep leaving and that we are a team .. and he came back.

The fallout quickly spiralled last week - my sister recently took her life, she’s the second person we’ve lost close to us (myself and my daughter ) 48 hours after finding out she’d passed we went into work (we had to we cousins afford not to be open)

he’s being cold with his body language and is upset that I didn’t walk the dog prior to us coming to work, it’s a 14 hour shift. My daughter (who I am incredibly worried about she just lost her auntie) she’s at home on her own so this worries me but she can walk the dog it didn’t need to be me.

So we’re at work … But this was all he could think about .. me not walking the dog .. he’s not wanting to be supportive or hug or do the usual things he’s done in the past normal supportive couple stuff. But he’s just really angry because he thinks I should have walked my own dog.

He couldn’t see past his frustration in me. Even considering I just lost someone I loved 48 hours earlier. I asked him please don’t be insensitive today I’m sad and let’s remember that we are a couple and love eachother please don’t do this today. And he packed his bags and left again.

How can I please help manage his frustrations so they don’t spiral out of control? :-(
At present I will wait patiently (sometimes for days ) and try to carefully broach the subject that’s upset him .. even just trying to forget the subject and hold his hand / give him a hug.

But these are all the time now I love him dearly but don’t know how to help him so I can help us
Any advice would be appreciated please.

[Tom fod]

Hello everyone :-)

I’m hoping maybe some of you could provide me with a bit of insight to help save my relationship please.

Myself and my partner have been together nearly 5 years he has dyspraxia (got diagnosed as an adult) .we’ve lived together about 18 months I have a 18 year old daughter that lives with us from my previous relationship) we also run a cafe / takeaway business together so work together to run our own business.

His dyspraxia behaviour traits that I am struggling to manage within our relationship are his abruptness and his subsequent actions when he gets into frustrations. I’m really patient with him not being able to verbalise his thoughts. I don’t push or pry or rush him. But lately when he’s getting frustrated he’s lashing out verbally. when he’s been getting stressed (about work) he’s been mixing the two things us .. and work. So he gets stressed and packs his bags and leaves. I accept him for exactly who he is good and bad parts but the leaving and saying tactless and hurtful things and becoming increasingly few and far between. He left 4 times in one month and told me we’d were no longer a couple and we’d never ever be getting back together. Which came as a shock to me as he leaves all the time and I don’t know what to prepare for.

I gave him space told him I loved him and he doesn’t need to keep leaving and that we are a team .. and he came back.

The fallout quickly spiralled last week - my sister recently took her life, she’s the second person we’ve lost close to us (myself and my daughter ) 48 hours after finding out she’d passed we went into work (we had to we couldn't afford not to be open)

he’s being cold with his body language and is upset that I didn’t walk the dog prior to us coming to work, it’s a 14 hour shift. My daughter (who I am incredibly worried about she just lost her auntie) she’s at home on her own so this worries me but she can walk the dog it didn’t need to be me.

So we’re at work … But this was all he could think about .. me not walking the dog .. he’s not wanting to be supportive or hug or do the usual things he’s done in the past normal supportive couple stuff. But he’s just really angry because he thinks I should have walked my own dog.

He couldn’t see past his frustration in me. Even considering I just lost someone I loved 48 hours earlier. I asked him please don’t be insensitive today I’m sad and let’s remember that we are a couple and love eachother please don’t do this today. And he packed his bags and left again.

How can I please help manage his frustrations so they don’t spiral out of control? :-(
At present I will wait patiently (sometimes for days ) and try to carefully broach the subject that’s upset him .. even just trying to forget the subject and hold his hand / give him a hug.

But these are all the time now I love him dearly but don’t know how to help him so I can help us
Any advice would be appreciated please.

Hi and sorry we can't be welcoming you in better circumstances.

Firstly sorry for your loss

Firstly I need to state that, how we individually deal with the frustrations arising from our dyspraxia is unique to us as individuals, as are our coping strategies and how we react when things go wrong and/or get too much and overwhelm us.

Typically we're often empathatic individuals who keenly feel others pain as well as our own frustration that we so often feel we are falling short of what/who we should be. Dyspraxics often share traits with ADHD and can become hyper-focused on one thing to the detriment of others, we can also become fixed on an impossible notion of perfection where we are angry with ourselves and/or our loved ones if they somehow fall short.

Would he/does he talk to others to seek help and supoort and ways offload his worries and address his frustrations in a more controlled and less destructive/negative way. Many dyspraxic/neurodivergent traits are a double edged sword when employed in the wrong way and positive attributes like tenacity can become bugbears like stubbornesss to partners and loved ones. When he's able to be his best self, how does he approach problems and setbacks and take these in his stride and come up with strategies that you employ together?

Hoping this provides some insight and ideas for ways you and he can move forwards together.

[Struggling partner]

Thankyou Tom,

So usually to solve problems we do it together. He will tell me he needs a minute … or what also happens is I recognise he can’t find the words, he will inevitably get frustrated and aggressive in his actions. (By aggressive I mean door slamming, barging out, driving off) so I’ll usually ask him to give me a hug or I’ll initiate some sort of affection/ hand holding eye contact etc. This way it stops the pattern of him walking off angry. I have to wait patiently until he can say what’s on his mind. This can sometimes take days or weeks. Once he says what’s on his mind I will help to rationalise it and show him how we can fix together. (Example) I’m annoying him by coming to work at 9am (we run a business together) … so I’ll ask him what time would you like to be there for ? And we agree a new time to arrive by.

He does go to CBT meetings and these can often help with understanding the severity of a particular situation and help him with using coping mechanisms to react less impulsively.

He did actually come back home again after he left me and my daughter for 3 -4 weeks (the last time I wrote on here) This time him leaving was different to all the other times as he was completely cold and we are usually are a team. He made himself completely disconnect.

But he was so cold this time and purposely hurtful with his words, he took paperwork for things that weren’t his, took keys to vans that were bought by me. Things he’d never fully done before. I try to make him see that my daughter sees him as a father figure we’ve been together for over 4 years now and live together.

she’s lost her dad and the coming and going isn’t good for her because he leaves her too, and it makes her sad. I don’t want for her to think it’s normal to have this in a relationship.

In his times of frustration i need I to have complete patience and understanding….. and in my time of need it was all too much for him (the situation) and so he leaves. He said a lot of hurtful things as he left this time and there wasn’t really a reason for it other than miscommunication, and his frustration at me arriving at work 30 mins later than usual ( my sister in law had taken her own life literally a day and a half prior)

My lateness was me getting it together for a 14 hour shift and trying not to cry and be focused. But he was so fixated on my not walking the dog or being at work at a particular time. We have a shop we open at 1 but he wants to be there at 8am. And we got there at 9:30 am my daughter can walk the dog (plus) she just lost her auntie so I’m also worried sick about leaving her too.

When he came back home after leaving me this time …. he still had my photo on his screensaver and had me saved as dream girl on his phone. But all the while he was messaging me saying we would never get back together.

We actually still haven’t had a chat about him leaving or coming back he never apologised and I guess I’m worried to broach it now.

I know I’ve waffled a lot. (Sorry) I guess I accept him for who he is, I love him unconditionally. But sometimes it’s just a lot to ride the ups and downs of keep being left all the time. :-(

My ex partner of 15 years took his own life (the father of my 2 grown up daughters) and the anniversary of him passing is in Nov

He has left me a couple of times during this time too, he can be incredibly supportive and understanding for most part .. it’s like he feels the sadness in the air at times. But then something tiny will trigger a response in him and he will run at the first chance.


Thanyou for your reply and Thankyou for your condolences too. I hope in my message I haven’t triggered anything or come across as insensitive in my offloading as this is not my intention so I’m very sorry if anything did.

I’m summary how do I manage him/me/this/when he’s running away and packing his bags all the time. It prevents us ever moving forward together.


I wonder if offloading in itself might help LOL x

[Tom fod]

I def find offloading,/venting whether writing it out so it's out in front of my eyes rather than jumbled in my head or speaking to one or two trusted people can help.

It's also the beauty of this forum in that you can vent to this dark corner of the web without precipitating the kind of storm you might get on social media or just read of others experiences.

He seems as if he might regrettably be struggling with empathy, possibly because he's just doesn't know how to respond to what's happened to you.

I hope CBT will help him reflect and find a way to respond rather than react when things are less than optimal.

You're doing everything you can to meet him half way so it's on him to engage. Hopefully he'll find and become a better calmer version of himself.