don't want to fall out with my sister but

[yvonnel]

Hi I have just come back from a few days with my sister and her family . My youngest niece is 14 and is dysprexic . She has an older sister whose 17 and is very bright studious and everyone describes as a good girl. A couple of things happened that really upset me one when I dropped a plate my sister said ( as a joke) that's why we don't invite you more often that was water of ducks back but what really upset me was arrangements were being made for my youngest niece to go to her extra classes today and my sister said she would drop her off music and she could walk to her language lesson. she said she didn't know the way ( its a new class) and got very upset that she would get lost . My brother in law said I showed you where it was last week and my sister told her not to be pathetic and she was old enough to do these things herself as her sister did at her age .
She went to bed very upset and after she left the room I said she sounds really worried what's her sense of direction like my brother in law said she doesn't have any but she's got to learn .
I do understand that they want her to be independent and she in her own way is desperate to be independent . This morning my sister showed her the house of the teacher on the way to her music class and she did find it and didn't get lost but 2 things really bugging me when my sister got home from dropping her off she moaned about having to show her where the house was again and secondly was really distressed to hear my sister tell her not to be pathetic she had real fears about getting lost and getting into trouble for being late for next class . She gets compared her big sister all the time and this doesn't help her self confidence .

I feel cross with myself for not challenging my sister last night but if I had it would have just caused an argument . How do I broach this without causing a family row

[Tom fod]

Hi

I guess you could quietly make the point that your niece is naturally a different person to her older sister and that having to live in her older sister's shadow is not going to help her confidence. Yes to a certain extent she needs to be able to do things on her own but they need to be supportive of her as an individual.

Could you maybe spend a bit of time with your niece to talk to her and give her some tips on coping strategies she could develop for herself to help her build her confidence? Tell her that it's not easy being different but that you can offer a sympathetic ear if she needs one.

That's all I can think of for now. Hope it gives you some ideas but I do think you have to be impartial and try to reserve your judgement of your sister and her husband's ways when talking to your niece.

Hope what I've said helps some please don't feel afraid to question me if what I've said is nonsensical.

[yvonnel]

Thanks Tom what you say makes perfect sense but families are complex My sister older than me and I lived in her shadow for years in my late teens and early 20s removed myself from the shadow she in her own way is very unconfident and takes any suggestions as criticism and gets very defensive . When my nieces difficulties became evident she was very reluctant to accept dyspraxia diagnosis and didn't tell any of the professional involved that her sister ( me) was dyspraxic in fact when my dad talked to her about what I have achieved she made the point that my niece wasn't me which of course she isn't I sometimes feel that my presence reminds her that her daughters dyspraxia comes from her families genes and that causes her to feel guilt for the difficulties her daughter . I know that's not rational and we haven't had the conversation but I feel that's why my sister sometimes over reacts when my niece has difficulties.
My sister is quite happy to talk to me about the difficulties she's having with school etc so maybe I can put it into one of those conversations