New to the forum, but not to Dyspraxia

[BinaryBovine]

Hi everyone, I'm 24, married, have a child and I have dyspraxia. I'm pretty depressed most of the time but I feel I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this. I feel like my marriage is hanging by a thread and perhaps its because I'm dyspraxic. I can't cook very well, and tend to stick to simple dishes for meals, but my husband hates all my cooking and has told me this frequently, my daughter doesn't eat much either though I've tried all sorts to help her eat. I struggle sometimes with housework too. It seems that something is always going wrong in my life and its always my fault. Last night the washing machine broke for example, before that there was another thing I said wrong or did wrong and before that and before that.... it never ends and its really gotten me down.
The most depressing part about it is that I can't change the way I am no matter how hard I try. I feel so totally useless. If I can't ever get anything right, how will I raise my child? How will I keep my marriage? My husband has had just about enough of my constant screw ups and I guess I can't blame him. There's nothing, nothing in the world more upsetting than to try and try and fail every time and know that I'll fail the next time.
I'm not sure how much of this is me being basically stupid and how much is me being dyspraxic, where does the dyspraxia end and I begin?

Well thats my introduction/ vent - hello every one. Is there anyone here who sometimes feels the same way I do? Is there anyone who asks themselves the same questions?

[AlleyCat]

Your post really worries me. The things you have said indicate that you are blaming yourself for something you cannot control- none of us chooses to have dyspraxia, but it seems as if you are blaming yourself for having it. For you to be feeling this way, it makes me think that you have had no or little support or understanding from others. It is wrong that you should be treated like this! In a good relationship, each person should feel as if he/she is respected by the other person and that they can tell each other things without being judged. It seems as if your husband has made no effort to find out about dyspraxia and is lacking in empathy.

You should feel proud that at least you are cooking some meals, which is something that a lot of people with dyspraxia (myself included) avoid. If your husband understood the issues which people with dyspraxia can face, he would offer to make at least some of the meals himself and not complain all the time about the ones you make. It is not realistic for a woman with dyspraxia to be expected to be the perfect housewife, as various aspects of dyspraxia (eg problems with sequencing, organisation and poor short term memory, as well as the obvious problems with coordination) will impact on this. For someone to be a particularly good cook, he/she needs to have good organisational skills and a reasonable short term memory in order to keep track of things- these things are not likely to happen when someone has dyspraxia. A book I read said that women who have dyspraxia can be particularly at risk from abuse in a relationship (this might be verbal or emotional rather than physical) because they can never fit in with the traditional (stereotypical) role of the woman who does all the household chores- I think it is for this reason that women with dyspraxia need to be especially careful about who they form a relationship with. I hope you have someone (maybe a family member or friend) who will provide a supportive ear, as you shouldn't be made to feel so bad in your own home.

[BinaryBovine]

Thankyou for your reply and your kind words AlleyCat. The truth is, I don't really have any support, thats why I found this forum so I could find someone who would understand. When I was diagnosed my family tried to push the condition under the rug so to speak. They'd say there was nothing wrong with me and I was just lazy, as for my poor memory they said 'If its important enough to you you'll remember it' which made me feel all the more guilty when I forgot important things. I'm not in contact with them any more for reasons I'd rather not go into, but I don't get support from my husband or his family and as for friends- I havent really told anyone about it. For so many years I've tried to forget that I have dyspraxia, but over and over it creeps up and rears its ugly head. I'm sorry if that sounds insulting to members here who are dyspraxic. I know the condition has its upsides, like being very creative or intuitive- which I suppose I am, but that counts for little in my home.
I have made progress in some areas around the house- I've perfected roast potatoes from scratch, and can do a good roast chicken, I like making soups and baking too. This is a long way from the half arsed approach my working mum had to cooking- which usually involved a microwave and a ready meal, especially considering I was never allowed to cook for myself at home when I was younger. I can blow dry my own, and anyone elses hair straight no matter what the length or thickness, something other dyspraxic people struggle with and I managed to fix the fridge freezer last winter when it packed in.

Hey! I guess I'm not totally useless! I just with someone else in my life could see that too...

I'm so glad I found this forum, I know its a poor substitute for an actual person, but at least I can connect with others this way and gain some understanding myself.

[Tim G]

Ally Cat's right you shouldent have to feel that its all down to you - marrage is a partnership and the responasblities should be shaired between both of you. Don't stick to the out dated sterotype, and put you in poshishions where its too much so I think that part of the issue is a lack of understanding from your partner.

Unforanlty a lot of things your seggesting are caused / related to dyspraxicia but some arnt - for exapmple why did the washing machine brake down and how is it directly your fault. There are quite a fue things that we often take the blame for but wernt our problem in the first place.

It also seams to me that your taking things too quickly I mean 24 and married with children - I am only 2 years younger and I don't think I could ever manage that and I probably wont. It seams as though there is a lot of presher on the situation and that only makes things worse - have you ever thought that it is just too much and trying to get away form it all and focus on what you need and to try and cope yourself - that could really be benerficial.

You have found this place now so really use it to talk / moan to us about whats going on and use it as a outlet - we understand.

P.s. could you put your place on the map http://www.dyspraxicadults.org.uk/forum ... f=6&t=2331 I am trying to find out where people on hear are from as it could help with meet ups etc.

[Tim G]

I have made progress in some areas around the house- I've perfected roast potatoes from scratch, and can do a good roast chicken, I like making soups and baking too. This is a long way from the half arsed approach my working mum had to cooking- which usually involved a microwave and a ready meal, especially considering I was never allowed to cook for myself at home when I was younger. I can blow dry my own, and anyone elses hair straight no matter what the length or thickness, something other dyspraxic people struggle with and I managed to fix the fridge freezer last winter when it packed in.

thats really good - well done, I am pleased that you can manage thies things so it does show that its all not compleatly stuffed.

[BinaryBovine]

Well to be honest the washing machine probably was my fault, not that its ever worked too well anyways, but last week I washed some curtains in there that were filthy, I think maybe they were too heavy once they were waterlogged for the spin or something and you're supposed to dry clean or hand wash these things really. I didn't know that then- I do now
There wasn't any label so I put them in the washing machine being the domestic goddess I am

Why is it everyone else seems to just know these things and I always have to find out the hard way?
I wish someone had told me before hand about this....

[Hoppingmouse]

Hi there i'm new here too.I do understand your frustration. I beat myself up about a lot of things. I think it just gets to be a habit. But I agree with some other people on the forum. Be kind to yourself and stay optimistic. There is a way around most things.

I love making curries with salad and rice.That has always been my way around time management in the kitchen. You can use the cheapest lean cuts of meat like gravy beef and oysterblade and they taste even better because the gristle softens with slow cooking and makes a nice gravy. If you use enough water curries don't burn and the longer they cook for the better giving you plenty of time to do other stuff. Salad can be prepared anytime in advance. When I'm nearly ready to eat I use the rice setting on the microwave and add twice as much water to rice and your dinner is ready in about 15. Also you could try buying a slow cooker (not that I've ever cooked with one but its an interesting idea) .

[Hoppingmouse]

By the way your husband telling you he hates your cooking is not cool. He could at least try being helpful and constructive in what he says. And if he doesn't cook he's being a hypocrite.