Need advice on how to deal with wife's dyspraxia...
Posted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 1:45 am
Hey all.
I'm a 30 year old guy with Aspergers Syndrome and Narcolepsy, and I'm having some difficulty dealing with some of my wife's Dyspraxia symptoms.
Mostly I just need to know how to approach the topic with her, and how to encourage and motivate her to find support for her condition.
She is currently undiagnosed. Previously we had a "hunch" that she mild have a mild case of Asperger's herself, but a number of symptoms never quite lined up, despite her scoring a 30 on the AQ test (I scored 42). More recently I found out about Dyspraxia, completely by accident, and showed her the list of symptoms, and she agrees it looks like what's been the source of a number of difficulties she's experienced since childhood.
When we met 5 years ago, she was 24, in the middle of her 4th curriculum at her 3rd college since graduating HS in 2000, without any degree completed. She was living with her parents, in her 7th year of working at a local fast-food restaurant. When I helped her move into our house her bedroom was in such a state that she had worked out a way of jumping onto her office chair, and then using a large box or something as a way to get to her bed. The entire floor of her room was under 3' of clothes, papers, and other stuff.
At the time, most of these things didn't really concern me. I had Aspergers, but at that time was undiagnosed, and was living with my parents, unemployed, and while I did have an Associates, it was only after 5 years of college with 3 curriculum. I wasn't a clean freak by any stretch of the imagination either. So, most of these parts of her history were considered similarities which seemed to only strengthen our relationship at the time.
Now we've been married for 3.5 years, we have a 9mo old daughter, and my disabilities have only gotten worse. I had a job for 3 years as a photo lab manager at an upscale camera shop, but my disabilities combined with the working environment proved to make an impossible combination.
We don't fight too much, but when we do it almost universally ends with her in tears. What's frustrating is that often arguments arise because she'll say something, and I'll agree, with a comment to reinforce her argument, and then she'll respond as though I was disagreeing with her. She has a very difficult time trying to figure out my tone and inflection in my voice, possibly because as an Aspie I have a hard time controlling my tone and inflection. Many times she'll assume that I'm mad at her, when it's just the opposite. When this happens, I'll feel as though I'm being pounced on for nothing at all, and then I get upset.
The home economics issue has been a real struggle as well, especially with division of labor. We had a verbal agreement as to who should be responsible for which chores when we first moved into our house. I made it clear then that these rules were flexible, and any time she wanted to switch a responsibility with me I'd be more than happy to accomadate.
For years she's been way behind in keeping any part of her end of the bargain. And what irks me about it is that I end up picking up the slack. When it gets to a certain point where I have to wash every dish, pan, and utensil before cooking myself breakfast, and clear the counter of the piles of junk, there's no way I can avoid doing her chores for her. I have to eat, and therefore I have to have clean dishes to cook and eat with.
This of course draws me away from my responsibilities. So, we finally talked this over, and for some reason she thought these rules were inflexible, despite me trying to convince her otherwise for years. When I spelled out that she simply had to tell me that she wanted the rules changed to have them changed, we talked over the responsibilities for a few minutes, and then she agreed that the original ones were fair. She added that the reason why she hadn't been doing the dishes was because she felt like she had to be cleaning the whole house. I of course told her that's why we divided up the chores, and asked how she came to that conclusion, and she didn't know.
Sometimes we argue, and then she'll just say "drop it" before I can really get my point across. Then I end up steaming over it for hours out in the yard, shoveling snow or something. I try not to push, because that usually ends in tears.
In fact, there's a growing amount of topics I'm afraid to discuss with her, because she's prone to reacting so emotionally. Usually these are economics (we're broke) and such, or of course the never ending mess that is our kitchen and bedroom. In the end, I feel like I'm never going to be able to resolve some of these issues, simply because I can't discuss them with her without her getting overly emotional. I feel like much of the day I'm "tip-toeing" around hot-buttons for her, and having to simply not say somethings that really should be said, for fear of upsetting her.
Once again, I mostly need some advice on how to encourage her to learn more about these difficulties she has and how to deal with them effectively.
I really want to see her get a degree, and of course a job that pays more than $8.50 an hour, she's very intelligent, and I want her to have a career and compensation that reflects that.
Thanks,
Dan O.
I'm a 30 year old guy with Aspergers Syndrome and Narcolepsy, and I'm having some difficulty dealing with some of my wife's Dyspraxia symptoms.
Mostly I just need to know how to approach the topic with her, and how to encourage and motivate her to find support for her condition.
She is currently undiagnosed. Previously we had a "hunch" that she mild have a mild case of Asperger's herself, but a number of symptoms never quite lined up, despite her scoring a 30 on the AQ test (I scored 42). More recently I found out about Dyspraxia, completely by accident, and showed her the list of symptoms, and she agrees it looks like what's been the source of a number of difficulties she's experienced since childhood.
When we met 5 years ago, she was 24, in the middle of her 4th curriculum at her 3rd college since graduating HS in 2000, without any degree completed. She was living with her parents, in her 7th year of working at a local fast-food restaurant. When I helped her move into our house her bedroom was in such a state that she had worked out a way of jumping onto her office chair, and then using a large box or something as a way to get to her bed. The entire floor of her room was under 3' of clothes, papers, and other stuff.
At the time, most of these things didn't really concern me. I had Aspergers, but at that time was undiagnosed, and was living with my parents, unemployed, and while I did have an Associates, it was only after 5 years of college with 3 curriculum. I wasn't a clean freak by any stretch of the imagination either. So, most of these parts of her history were considered similarities which seemed to only strengthen our relationship at the time.
Now we've been married for 3.5 years, we have a 9mo old daughter, and my disabilities have only gotten worse. I had a job for 3 years as a photo lab manager at an upscale camera shop, but my disabilities combined with the working environment proved to make an impossible combination.
We don't fight too much, but when we do it almost universally ends with her in tears. What's frustrating is that often arguments arise because she'll say something, and I'll agree, with a comment to reinforce her argument, and then she'll respond as though I was disagreeing with her. She has a very difficult time trying to figure out my tone and inflection in my voice, possibly because as an Aspie I have a hard time controlling my tone and inflection. Many times she'll assume that I'm mad at her, when it's just the opposite. When this happens, I'll feel as though I'm being pounced on for nothing at all, and then I get upset.
The home economics issue has been a real struggle as well, especially with division of labor. We had a verbal agreement as to who should be responsible for which chores when we first moved into our house. I made it clear then that these rules were flexible, and any time she wanted to switch a responsibility with me I'd be more than happy to accomadate.
For years she's been way behind in keeping any part of her end of the bargain. And what irks me about it is that I end up picking up the slack. When it gets to a certain point where I have to wash every dish, pan, and utensil before cooking myself breakfast, and clear the counter of the piles of junk, there's no way I can avoid doing her chores for her. I have to eat, and therefore I have to have clean dishes to cook and eat with.
This of course draws me away from my responsibilities. So, we finally talked this over, and for some reason she thought these rules were inflexible, despite me trying to convince her otherwise for years. When I spelled out that she simply had to tell me that she wanted the rules changed to have them changed, we talked over the responsibilities for a few minutes, and then she agreed that the original ones were fair. She added that the reason why she hadn't been doing the dishes was because she felt like she had to be cleaning the whole house. I of course told her that's why we divided up the chores, and asked how she came to that conclusion, and she didn't know.
Sometimes we argue, and then she'll just say "drop it" before I can really get my point across. Then I end up steaming over it for hours out in the yard, shoveling snow or something. I try not to push, because that usually ends in tears.
In fact, there's a growing amount of topics I'm afraid to discuss with her, because she's prone to reacting so emotionally. Usually these are economics (we're broke) and such, or of course the never ending mess that is our kitchen and bedroom. In the end, I feel like I'm never going to be able to resolve some of these issues, simply because I can't discuss them with her without her getting overly emotional. I feel like much of the day I'm "tip-toeing" around hot-buttons for her, and having to simply not say somethings that really should be said, for fear of upsetting her.
Once again, I mostly need some advice on how to encourage her to learn more about these difficulties she has and how to deal with them effectively.
I really want to see her get a degree, and of course a job that pays more than $8.50 an hour, she's very intelligent, and I want her to have a career and compensation that reflects that.
Thanks,
Dan O.
