Sad and wish I could learn more patience.

[anneatkins]

Hey all, sorry to butt in.

My fiancée is Dyspraxic. I think he's a #4 - that's what's on his papers.

He is lovely! The sweetest person ever and a great Father and partner and quite a looker, too! :-)

All told I am very lucky - I know.

This is why I feel such a heel for feeling bad.

See, he's just lost another job. This one with the Council. It was SUCH a GREAT job, great pay, benefits, etc - but he gets very dozy at work and has just been let go and since he was in probation, they never even give him a warning.

Now here we are again, me worrying we'll lose the house we live in. We won't obviously because I'll work before that - but I cannot leave him here with our twin 2 year olds and a 9 month old! He cannot keep on top of things well enough and he gets distracted (which is normal and I know that).

I am sorry I just feel so down that POOF! another good job is dust and there's nothing we can do about it but appeal the decision. Again.

Phew. I just need to find some more patience somewhere because I have run out.

I would never leave him over a job or anything like that - but the utter lack of stability on our lives is just making me feel sick all the time and though I've never been depressed, I am feeling just hopeless. I am anxious and I don't sleep and I am just beginning to feel that unless I do everything on my own (FT job, house, kids, meals, cleaning, etc) and he just has a silly job somewhere, I will never feel like my family is being taken care of or secure.

I can't leave him to take care of the house and the kids whilst I go out and work Full Time because we'd be living in a sty (NOT his fault! He is not good at tidying, he gets confused and sidetracked) and the kids meals would be all over the map because of his organisational skills. (Even the BEST of parents will find twin 2 year olds and a baby challenging -it's hard for me and I am very energetic, motivated and organised)

So, I just feel so *bleh* just out of steam with regard as to what to do to maintain security and stability for our little family.

The stress is doing my head in.

[The Lurker]

Did the Council know about his Dyspraxia before they employed him, if so do you not have a case for Disability Discrimination, even if they did not know about it you may still have a case.

[anneatkins]

Yes, they did know he was dyspraxic.

Because he was still on probation, they can let him go for pretty much anything - and he has no right to the disciplinary procedure - but as he hasn't done anything wrong - it's not a discipline issue.

In short: He had 2 weeks where he was helping me with our (then) 8 month daughter at night because she went through a v. bad teething patch at the same time I stopped breastfeeding. As we also have twin little boys, I was just knackered and he was getting up to take care of her to help me. He also developed an ear infection at the same time and was ill with that.

During that time he was dozy and not feeling well and losing focus at work as a result.

Fast forward to a week and a half after this was all resolved, he gets called in and told to turn in his resignation citing personal reasons, OR he will be dismissed - and paid for just that Friday.

His contract says that 1 month notice is required on either side.

The probation part says that if performance is unsatisfactory notice to terminate the contract will be given and that he is not eligible for the disciplinary procedure.

Well, his performance is fine - good even - according to his team leader so it's NOT a performance issue at all.

So, we've written the first round of letters stating that we think this is unfair, etc. and I have the next letter ready, if we have to go higher up.

So, I *think* he may be all right - especially once HR gets a hold of this - as I don't think they know anything about it.

As to disability discrimination, I am not sure as the issue was him being tired due to our daughter and illness.

Just bad timing.

This is how sweet he is though: I didn't even KNOW he was getting up with her because he would jump up and get her before I realised, because he thought I needed the sleep.

Thanks for your reply. Sigh. I just want to be a good wife (2b for now) to him and always make sure he knows how much I love him but it's SO obvious he feels SO badly about this - that it's hard and I can't seem to help him more than help him write letters.

[The Lurker]

I know it may be frustrating but please fight this

I was dismissed from a job recently because it was made out I was incompetent. At the start of my battle with my employers I did not know what Dyspraxia was, I did some research and discovered it by accident - it described me to a T. I fought my corner with the help of the Union and got reinstated at the grade I was sacked from in another (much nicer) office.

contact the union if you are a member and also possibly the CAB for advice.

[anneatkins]

Thank you! :-) We will do the best we can.

He's not Union (yet) and even if he joined one now, it would be a time before he could get any help, if I understand correctly.

Once this is worked out and he's either employed or employed elsewhere (oh, he did NOT tender his resignation and the mgr hasn't dismissed him yet because he expects J to tender his resignation, and he'll be getting a different letter instead so J is still technically employed) we will get him into a Union.

CaB I will ask too, tomorrow.

Thank you!

[anneatkins]

Oooh! His manager went into HR and told them that J resigned - when he hasn't - but he didn't mention ANYTHING else, like the fact hat they basically threatened to dismiss him if he didn't resign.

WTF?

[The Lurker]

Please seek advice about this.

[Liz944]

Definately kick up a fuss, as the manager sounds like he has taken things into his own hands when he should not have. Would speak to HR and a solicitor...

[anneatkins]

We're on it, like white on rice. HR have sent it up to the council wide HR manager.

My FIL (2b) thinks that we are going to be OK....I will post back when I have news. I think end of the week.

As an aside: Is it OK for a non-dyspraxic woman of a dyspraxic to post here?

I don't want to butt in where I am not allowed, but I HATE talking to any friends about things because this is an invisible disability IYKWIM, and I don't really always want to talk to his Mum (who I usually consort with on coping mechanisms and other non-personal issues) as she understands, but some things are personal.

[The Lurker]

Of course its alright to post - anybody who says no will have me to answer to and trust me they don't want that

[gherkin001]

Of course its alright to post - anybody who says no will have me to answer to and trust me they don't want that

And me lol

[Liz944]

Most of us know what hell we can put are respective partners through, so of course you are welcome!

[anneatkins]

Well, still waiting to hear anything...have to call the personnel manager at 2:30 today. They gave us a different number to call to reach him directly.

Question: CAN they actually let him go for being tired due to illness (I think I've said, but he had an ear infection) and helping take care of the baby a few nights (ooh she was teething badly - 4 at once, for about 2 weeks!)?

I guess I just don't see at all how they can possibly dismiss him for this - so I don't see what the "boggle" is on their end...

[Liz944]

They can let him go in the trial period and you can do nothing (likewise if he did not like the job he could leave)... what is wrong is his manager forcing him to resign and telling HR he has resigned when in fact he has done no such thing and is being forced out...

[Karaesque1]

I have been in this position lots of time- my husband has dyspraxia and I can so relate to the losing jobs, his dependency on me (to the point I do want to scream) and just feeling that no one understands. It all came to ahead last summer when his manager started to bully him and I said, enough is enough. we did get the union involved, but his employers closed ranks.
So, I went back to work full time( but only because the kids are all at school) and he works part time, which is sometimes better when he remembers all the stuff that needs doing, sometimes worse as what I could achieve in a day takes him all week. ...:-P

Now this sounds negative, but actually, what I have learned to do is make times to sit down and talk to him about my fears, very calmly. Also, I do make him take responsibility for things, like going to the CAB when he lost his job. Somehow, he seemed to cope when I compartmentalised things for him and I said, this is your part, this is what you have to do to help- with obvious reminders and support from me!

I know exactly what you're saying about swapping roles, we had 3 kids close together too and I couldn't have left him with them, or wanted to when they were tiny. We had 2 redundancies when they were little and it is the actual not knowing what is going to happen which is the problem. Now he would cope no problem, but we are 10 years older..

I think there should be a thread on this forum which is called 'Living with someone with Dyspraxia' as it can be very tiring for the spouse as although he is a beautiful person, sometimes the day to day effort of it can really make the other person tired and dare I say it ill, especially when you've also got 3 young children to care for!

Stick to your guns with the council and pull off as much information on dyspraxia. Quote the disability discrimination act which states reasonable adjustments should be made for a person to cope with their job. It is an all too common problem.