Joke's please!!

[Daniel]

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the F/A, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

[Ruth]

what do you call a cat that has just eaten a duck?

A duck filled fatty puss tee hee hee

I don't know any about airplanes and I wanted to join in , as you were everyone.

[Greg]

Q) What's BIG and RED and BAD FOR YOUR TEETH
A) A brick

[Daniel]

Here's a sign that provides good advice for many dyspraxics:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bobbymond/ ... chinglish/

[lauraj]

scientists have discovered a cake that diminishes a womans s*x drive by 90%............



it's called wedding cake

[Greg]

Over the intercom at a train station:
"Please mind the gap between the timetable and reality"

[Shadwell]

Woman standing nude, looks into the bedroom mirror, and says to her hubby "I look horribly fat and ugly, pay me a compliment".

hubby replies "your eyesight is spot on!"

there are more to come, just only recieved that off my father so far

[Shadwell]

here is one on airoplanes I found in my documents, it isn't so much a joke, as a quest I had to do with World of Warcraft:

In the event of an emergency: it's always the pilot's job to keep a level head, especially when the only orders from your co-pilot come from his stomach.

The good news is that we won't need to wait days for replacement parts to be imported. The bad news is that the "spare" parts got scattered from here to the Valley of Bones to the east.

The other bad news? The spare parts aren't so spare. They, uh, fell off during our rapid descent. Could you help me collect enough to get us off the ground again?

that was done back in late January, as my character is lvl 70, and quite a while for me to get my next character to do the quest.

[Auron]

Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?” asked the airline passenger, amid the holiday rush. The clerk replied, “It’s so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”

I love that one! and the mind the gap one was good too.

here a good knock knock joke I found:

Knock Knock

Who's there?

German Border patrol

German border patrol who?

Ve vill ask ze quvestions!


...And some funny signs and whatnot...

Written on a Tombstone:

"Here lies an unknown thief
We paid for his berial with
the money we found on him"

a pharmacy window:

"we dispence with accuracy"

a Local Newspaper:

"next week's clarvoyance classes will be posponed
due to unforseen circumstances"

a Airline baggage handling company

"hand us your bags,
we'll send them in all directions!"

[gherkin001]

Edited by Shadwell to remove broken links

[rah]

i thought this was quite apt:



it had me laughing for hours!

[gherkin001]

If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident...
If a doctor makes a mistake,
It's an operation...
If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake......
If an employee makes a mistake,
It is a "MISTAKE" to have employed them!

[gherkin001]

Edited by Shadwell to remove broken link

[Shadwell]

ok time to bring this link back to the top of the Lounge. I have been looking for trucking jokes, and think I found one worthy.

Driving test:

Two truck driving brothers are taking a driving test, and the instructor asks one a question. Your driving the truck and you are at the top of a mountain and your brakes go out. You notice an accident at the bottom of the mountain, what do you do? The trucker says the first thing i do is wake up my brother. The instructor asks what good is that going to do? And he replies, In all of the years we've been driving he ain't never seen an accident like the one we're about to get in to.

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A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

[Shadwell]

A loan officer knocked on the door of a local owner operator.

"Is Fred home?" he ask the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry, Fred is driving, he's gone for cotton" the woman replied.

The next day the loan officer tried again.
"Is Fred here today?" he asked the lady.
"No,SIR, I'm afraid Fred is driving, he's gone for cotton" she said,

When the loan officer returned the third day,
he sarcastically said, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again today?"
"no" the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the loan officer decided to wait a week and investigate at the cemetery himself.
but sure enough,there was poor Fred's toomstone,with this inscription: "Gone, but not for cotton."
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A few years ago i got pulled around the WB Joliet, Il scale, the company I drove for managed somehow write a check for the base plates out of the wrong checking account (DUH!).

As I sat waiting to be saved a cattle hauler gets escorted to the scale. He pulls on and stops they look at his gross weight (300lbs over) and decide to let him go.

I looked at the officer and asked "does that mean he was over on his steers?"

The officer didnt say a word just pointed at the door.