Dating/long-term relationship

[LauraMcM25]

Hi I am 29 years of age and I really want a long term relationship as I can sometimes feel quite lonely. I have never been in a relationship or had sex. I’ve tried online dating but have not had much success. I am quite a good communicator but I am scared that I will be judged because of my lack of experience and that I won’t be able to do sex properly (I know this is quite personal) I’m not a big fan of clubs and don’t have a big social circle of friends so hard to meet any guys in that way. Does anyone have any advice about meeting guys or anything that helped them? Thanks

[Xenavire]

If by online dating, you mean apps or web pages devoted to matching singles - you aren't going to find many people of interest there, as most are more interested in casual hookups.

My advice is to find a forum or event that interests you and just meet people, because having something in common is the first step to growing something deeper. Start by making friends, and if you click with someone, take it slow and build the relationship step by step.

To use personal experience, I met the person I'm with on a Pokemon forum, and while neither of us visit the forum anymore, we wouldn't have found each other without it. That was in 2008, and we are still together and building our future.

[LauraMcM25]

Thanks for your reply. Yeah I did mean that and it’s defo not great. I think ur right it really helps when you have things in common and just friends firstGlad to hear you met someone successfully

[Tom fod]

Hi Laura and welcome back

Thanks Xenavire, I'm not sure I can add a lot from my male perspective but here goes:

My fear of what others might think about my lack of previous relationship experience (and not driving) was probably my achilles heel with online dating. I'm not sure anyone on online dating sites really knows what they want as a it seems most are searching for an 'ideal' that doesn't exist or a casual hookup. I used to put a hell of a lot of pressure on myself and find my optimism was so often crushed or I was inadvertently doing/saying self-destructive things on dates (nothing that bad!) . I've fortunately made some great female friends but still have much to learn about intimate relationships.

The right guy will not judge you.

[Traceyi]

Someone would say that's too late for you, that men have a fear of virgin girls. But, you know, prejudices and stereotypes nowadays do not offer us the chance to be ourselves. So, Laura, my recommendation would be strictly from my experience and, here I talk about dating sites. Tom talked about an ideal we may look for, but you match with that person with whom you have the same interests. Isn't it? I'm passionate about photography, love cats, and in love with morning runs! I wish I met the men who at least suit one of these interests. So, I looked for the [Illegal advertising url removed], picked one with the best reviews, and guess what. I met a friend, who then became my husband! He loves dogs but tolerates my cat lol, was in the past photographer, and we run every morning in the park. It like a matchy-matchy! Could I wish more? No! I hope I helped you! I want you to be encouraged because I genuinely believe you are an incredible girl!

[Tom fod]

Someone would say that's too late for you, that men have a fear of virgin girls. But, you know, prejudices and stereotypes nowadays do not offer us the chance to be ourselves.

I think those 'some' are the people to definitely try to avoid. It's not easy though. The 'messages' we soak up from society and even well meant 'encouragement' from family/friends are so often reinterpreted and repeated internally so that we're afraid to be ourselves. I feel we need to learn to do things that we enjoy for ourselves and hopefully connect with some like-minded folk who celebrate us for who we are.

[JohnEmy]

Someone who has only dated around and hasn't been in a committed relationship before may absolutely consider seven months to be a long-term relationship. Someone who has had multiple relationships that tended to last over a year at the minimum may not consider seven months to be a long term relationship.

[DiannneBulosan]

I’ve never had long–term relationships. My longest relationship lasted for 4 months. I guess I’m just such a kind of person. Actually, I used to think so. A close friend of mine noticed I have troubles dating girls.

[Tom fod]

I’ve never had long–term relationships. My longest relationship lasted for 4 months. I guess I’m just such a kind of person.

Welcome
I too have yet to find a long-term relationship but I'm fortunate to have some enduring friendships. There are a lot of barriers including finding the right person and connecting with them. Common complications can include having a lack of confidence in ourselves/our desirability, rejection sensitivity. Our dyspraxic/neurodivergent ways can too often be a barrier that make us feel isolated/alone and sometimes believing in ourselves is the hardest part.

[jonnezmy]

Consider expanding your social circle by joining clubs or groups that align with your interests. This can be a great way to meet like-minded people, and you might find someone special through shared hobbies or activities.
Remember that everyone starts somewhere, and nobody is born knowing everything about relationships or intimacy. Take your time to get to know someone, communicate openly about your feelings and concerns, and build a connection based on trust and understanding.
If you're looking for companionship and a confidence boost in the meantime, you might explote [url removed by Admin]. They can provide you with enjoyable experiences without any judgment or pressure.

[PaulWH]

Laura

This is quite an old post now, but I hope that you have found someone. If not, it's never too late - although I had had previous relationships, I was 43 before I met someone whom I loved enough to want to marry (and who wanted to marry me).

Everyone

As others have said, joining clubs and societies can be a good way of meeting people with similar interests. For anyone who is reasonably mobile*, I would suggest joining a walking club. Many years ago, I used to lead guided walks, and several relationships, including at least one marriage, came about through people regularly attending the walks. As a way of meeting people, walking has many advantages. For one, you are exercising healthily in the fresh air, so you get a rush of endorphins and if you are not in a sociable mood when you start the walk, you probably will be by the end. You can largely choose whom you walk with, without being lost in an anonymous crowd, and above all you have plenty of time to talk to people and share stories and sandwiches in a quiet environment, without being distracted by screens or the like. Finally, many walks end at cafes or pubs, so here you have further time to relax and socialise with others if you want to.

The walks I led were aimed at anybody, and we had everyone from unemployed young people to wealthy 'gentleman' farmers (who sometimes found that they had more in common than they would have realised). However, no only are there walking clubs for all levels of physical ability, you can find women-only clubs, and others for gay or ethnic minority walkers. All great for meeting new friends.

*I would add that I have known several wheelchair users who enjoyed exploring countryside trails with wheelchair provision, some of which were quite challenging, that had been designed with wheelchairs in mind.

On another issue, and speaking from the limited viewpoint of a heterosexual man: Traceyi mentions that some men have a 'fear' of virgin girls, and I have heard other women say this too. No doubt it is true in some cases, but I tend to think it is less common than might be thought; at any rate, none of my friends, many of whom have been together happily for years, seem to have worried about this. I would also ask, is the sort of man who worries about whether a potential partner is a virgin or not necessarily worth starting a relationship with in the first place?

[Chemixtu]

I can relate to the struggles of online dating. I tried it a few years ago but had mixed results. One thing that helped me was focusing on hobbies I enjoyed. I joined a local book club and met some great people there. It was low-pressure and a fun way to connect without the dating stress.

About the experience thing—everyone starts somewhere. Honestly, it’s about finding someone who’s patient and understanding. I even explored sex dating sites just to see what it was like. It was interesting and opened my mind to different kinds of connections. You never know who you might meet when you put yourself out there!