Husband with Dyspraxia?

[LJ1988]

Myself and my husband have been together for almost 12 years, married for almost 6. He has always been "difficult". He is very matter of fact about things, and stubborn, doesnt listen, his short term memory is shocking and he cannot follow basic instructions. I always thought that is just how he is but recently things have become extremely hard work. We recently had a 2nd child which seems to have triggered something in him. I have tried my hardest to keep us together as a family but in my eyes, hes spent the last 12 months trying to force me to end our relationship with how he has been. I had never thought about him as being dyspraxic (i have 2 friends who both have dyspraxia and he doesnt "act" like they do) so I decided to have a look out of desperation, to see if there was anything online that could explain why he acts the way he does. Hes taken a few online tests (which i know dont diagnose) and got highly likely on all of them. He had a read through some of the signs etc and said it was written like someone had watched him for a few days and wrote down what they saw. Its now all starting to make sense. Ive spent a lot of time being frustrated with him, and now I think its because he may be dyspraxic. I suppose my questions are firstly, how can I support him if he is dyspraxic? And secondly, could he be diagnosed as an adult? Do I speak to his GP?

[Shadwell]

Hi LJ1988,

"how can I support him if he is dyspraxic?" this depends totally on his condition, but there needs to be open communication between the two of you. but I also know it is hard as a dyspraxic, because until you do the thing that you struggle with most, and the other person noticing that you are struggling, then neither of you know there is a problem, because he might have been told just to get on with it. or no-one has ever noticed the problem and offered to help with it, or even made him aware that there is a problem. so you might not even get the answers you are looking for straight away.
"secondly, could he be diagnosed as an adult?" yes he could be diagnosed as an adult, but nearly 100% certainty not via the NHS
Do I speak to his GP? yes you can speak to his GP when you got a list of things that he struggles with, but like myself this might end up on deaf ears, if not through the GP, then certainly via any help that the NHS might offer say to someone that has had a stroke or something. and from personal experience then I was personally asked what I wanted the NHS to do about it? what problems I had? and then turn around and say well you managed this long, what do you expect? because this is as good as it gets, and discharge me from NHS system.

So basically you need to make a full list of all of his problems, and giving several examples of where he struggles most. but getting the NHS to acknowledge, and do something about it is a totally different matter. as for support then it is like a needle in a haystack type of situation, so the only thing is to get him to open up. don't just take things for granted, just because he doesn't ask for help doesn't mean he doesn't need the help, but also not to take the task he is struggling with away from him. but to offer help if you see he is struggling, as that can also be a turn off for a dyspraxic is if someone snatches the thing you are struggling with away from you, and then starts cursing you for a problem.

but also don't be there staring at him constantly looking over his shoulder either, as that is another turn off.

[Tom fod]

Hi

Being Dyspraxic is very frustrating as it can so easily become all about what is wrong with us. We all see and experience it differently so just because he's totally unlike your Dyspraxic friends, doesn't mean he's not dyspraxic too. How we're treated and see ourselves as we grow and develop into adults shapes us. Some of the coping strategies he's relied upon may now no longer be working and could be causing him a crisis of confidence and this might be why he's lashing out. The last 21 months have been exceptionally testing on everyones mental health and emotional well being.

As Shadwell says, your GP regrettably will have few if any Dyspraxia specific options for referring him as an adult. Where assessment is available (usually, but not always privately funded), the diagnostic criteria for adults are less defined. Coping strategies we've developed can mean we mask well enough to result in an inconclusive result. It's important that He needs to want to speak to his GP, and/or possibly also to Relate or another couples counselling service, or just to you. Putting how we feel into words drives up emotion and how to express ourselves in a non-destructive way can be a source of great stress.

Of course, If he's willing to speak to his GP about this, that's of course encouraging, please do give your GP a chance. It would be useful to take the indicator tests along as well as a list of the things causing him difficulty and a compelling reason to put to his GP.

Regrettably diagnosis does not necessarily open (m)any doors so if he does 'strike it lucky' and dyspraxia is confirmed, he'd likely need to process this news himself. It will explain things but it can also unleash a fair amount of negative emotion. His GP may however be able to refer him/you both for non-dyspraxia specifc counselling, so while you/he might conclude it's pointless do give it a whirl as it's better than trying to pretend there isn't anything wrong.

If going via your GP proves unsuccessful and if it's affecting him significantly at work, his employer's occupational health service or possibly Job Centre+ / Access To Work may also be options. Relieving employment-related stress might relieve some of the pressure that then has an impact on the domestic front.

He's likely as frustrated with himself/you as you are with him. It might be helpful to ask him how you can best communicate in a way that doesn't descend into a row. Don't demand an on the spot answer, instead allow him the time to reflect before providing a response.

I hope this helps, please also check out http://www.dyspraxicadults.org.uk/forum ... =14&t=7385

[undiagnosed]

I've been married for 30 years. I love my husband dearly, but there have been very significant 'issues' at times, particularly around anger and control. He is intuitive, kind (but generally not within the home) highly intelligent, can be hysterically funny, he's VERY observant about RULES (our daughter wasn't allowed in the house during lockdown when she travelled (legally) up from London to see us by train). He has a responsible senior job. He does a lot around the home (bins, washing up, occasional forensic cleaning). He's a brilliant public speaker, never fazed by big occasions, etc. In the past five years or so, he has been willing to 'label' himself dyspraxic, though has never been diagnosed. However, his negative behaviour seems to be becoming more prominent and I am beginning to find it increasingly problematic. There is certainly a history of dyspraxia (and dyslexia) in his family - father, nephews, our daughter is also moderately dyslexic.

I'm not asking for marriage guidance, I am seeking some assurance that his behaviour 'fits' a dyspraxia personality type, which will in turn help me to accept him more. If it doesn't sound like dyspraxia, I guess I need to head to Relate!

Here is the list:

He has absolutely no sense of direction, never has.

He panics when driving, and becomes furiously angry if I say anything to help avoid an accident. On two recent occasions, I DIDNT' say anything, and twice he hit stationary cars.

accute and sudden mood change when he feels 'crossed' or unsupported by me.

all his usual intuition and sensitivity is instantly switched off and he can brutish and unkind.

lack of awareness of 'personal space' when he's angry - eg, really 'gets in my face', literally.

tendency to assume he knows what I am thinking/feeling and will not give me the space to explain how I'm actually feeling.

very fixed ideas about food - what constitutes a 'meal'. Zero willingness to compromise on this matter, even though I work full time and meals are 'my' responsibility.

there's a bit of a joke between me and our daughter, that if he's particularly jolly and daft one day, there'll be a big anger blow-up later that day, or the next. It's almost as if happy feelings turn a bit toxic.

So does any of this sound familiar, to those of you who live with dyspraxia? is there anything obvious I can do, say, or plan, to help us enter retirement with more sanguinity?

Many thanks for reading, and in anticipation for helpful thoughts...

[Tom fod]

Hi and welcome

Any and all of the above traits can and could be exhibited by someone with dyspraxia. I definitely went through a stage of trying to control people/the world around me and being unnecessarily angry and lashing out with my tongue. Anything that will help him be more patient with and kinder to himself and others would be worthwhile, be that CBT, Mindfulness to help him banish the Mr Hyde, to his Dr Jekyll. He may be worried about retirement and what he'll do to fill his days. Stress and worry so often brings out the worst.

Why can't we guys admit we're lost!

Hope this offers some useful insight and ideas.

[undiagnosed]

Hi Tom. Thanks so much, I really appreciate this reply. Its tricky to allocate challenging behaviour to whether it's really 'out of his control' due to something he really can't help, or whether he's straying into being a bit of git! But I shall be brave, and see whether he would consider taking this seriously.
As a matter of interest, when his parents died (especially when his mother died) he descended in a very deep, dark pit for almost a year. Totally unreachable. Is dealing with grief particularly challenging for dyspraxics? maybe you can't answer that, maybe I shouldn't ask, but I have struggled to find a definitive list of 'typical' characteristics of adults with dyspraxia.

[Tom fod]

There are no set traits for dyspraxia and we're all individuals. It's very much a spectrum on its own but not to be confused with autistic one (that's like shaking nitroglycerine while hitting fulminate of mecury with a lump hammer!)

The pressures of coping and trying to fit in as 'normal' in a Neurotypical society can mean we struggle to conform to societal expectations and can be prone to anxiety, depression and sometimes other MH conditions.

We're all subject to different influences and sometimes the coping strategies we turn to are not good for us (or our loved ones).

Guys as you know can be notoriously bad about handling emotion and instead we bottle it up.

[undiagnosed]

Very wise words, Tom. I shall put down the lump hammer right away.
I'm guessing this forum could be a place where he could find some support?
Thanks.

[Tom fod]

Indeed he can
There's 15 years of searchable content.

Also check out this post/page on the forum which is a list of support resources

viewtopic.php?t=7385