Abusive Relationships

imperfect angel · Post by **imperfect angel** » Wed Jan 24, 2007 3:20 pm

I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years, mostly emotionally abusive and thank God I got out of that at the beginning of this school year. That almost tore me apart I got into another relationship and I just had to break up w/ him yesterday cuz my friends pointed out to me how he really wasn't treating me that well, I didn't even really notice it cuz I'm soo used to it. Does anyone else struggle w/ getting into bad relationsips? As wierd as this sound I do not feel comfortable in a relationship where the guy is always nice to me so I seem to find myself in these situations w/ guys and its really hard for me to get out of the relationship cuz part of me still loves them u kno? Part of me still wants a guy there, someone I can lean on and cry with as well as laugh w/ and just someone to tell all of my secrets to u kno? Someone who understands me. If anyone has any tips for me I'd really appreciate it or if anyone is struggling w/ similar issues I'd like to hear about it! thnks

Lumic · Post by **Lumic** » Wed Jan 24, 2007 4:51 pm

i have been in an abusive relationship many years ago i was married to the guy but got out thankfully. my last bf we split up yesterday we spent almost 5 yrs together on and off more on than off we had lived together etc yesterday after my exam he said he couldnt be with me anymore he cant go back to the way things were ie me and my lack of social skills he said he loves me and that it was the hardest thing to do he doesnt want anyone else either but he jus cant do it any more. i have said i will go fdor help he said that he belives i want to change but doesnt think i can, so basically down to dyspraixa i have lost the one man i have ever really loved the only personb i have pictured walking hand in hand with wen am 80. he has tried god bless him and i hate myself as its something (the social skills thing) i cant control or stop i dont have any and want to get help to get some. i know i will never get him back but i want to get help for me and you never know one day show him that i can. everything else he loves about me. he said to me today he feels down because of us endeing and his head is chocka deep down i hope he realises hes made a mistake but i honestly know he wont. he is the nicest lovingest caring maan plus he was sexy i have ever met and so loving towards my son who he still wants to see cos he is like his step son. and my son wants to see him too. so i cant stop them.
anyway am off to the doctors tomr to ask for a referal poss to a speech langage theripst as they can sometimes teach social skills,
im so lonley and lost right now

imperfect angel good luck hang in there

donnaf · Post by **donnaf** » Wed Jan 24, 2007 5:22 pm

I sympathize with you both. I have a long track record of unhealthy, abusive relationships.
I am now with the most fantastic guy, he really is genuinelly great, and has helped me with my dyspraxia in so, so many ways, and does on a daily basis.
I'm not saying this to brag. I just want to prove that there really is a perfect person out there for everyone, I truly believe this, cause if I can find one, anyone can!
I don't mean to insult either of you, but I think dyspraxia can knock self esteem to the point that you feel so crap about yourself, you seem to somehow attract the bad guys. I used to think it was all I deserved, and this was almost exclusively before I knew I was dyspraxic. I knew there was something different about me, and that made me feel like if anyone showed an interest in me, I had to like em back else maybe noone else ever would.
This all stopped after my last abusive relationship with my ex before the guy I'm with now. I decided enough was enough and I would rather be alone forever than allow someone to treat me badly ever again. Then, what do you know, I bump into an old friend and we hit it off right away.
I think being friends with someone first really can help....I never used to really believe that, but I think if a guy knows you, especially with our dyspraxic quirks, it's easier. There's not too much for him to learn about you. My fella didn't know I was dyspraxic till the night we got together, but he did know me, and I haven't really changed as a person since we first became friends.
The best advice I can give, is don't allow yourself to put up with crap, ever again, cause you are both worth more than that. I think it radiates off you if you refuse to let people treat you badly. And don't give up, cause you will find that special person, I promise

Post by **Shadwell** » Wed Jan 24, 2007 6:27 pm

well think I agree there donnaf,

it is better to love someone who knows your problems, and understands them fully, than someone that thinks you are making an excuse for not being ie. social, or something else.

getting social confidence doesn't happen over night though, and if you put up a barrier, to keep people out of knowing the real you, then they will expect it all the time. which will drain you worse than trying to just get social confidence.

I decided I was going to change when I was 16, and I am still finding it hard going, so I prefere alone time. I just put it down to shyness, and so did most of the family, so during family events they would try their best to get me to say something, and I wouldn't.

it wasn't until I was 28, that I found out I was diagnosed as dypraxic as a child, so to find that out after so long was a relief! that was 2 years ago, now I have come to terms with it, I am trying not to let it take over my life.

it will always be there, but at least I can do stuff like talk to complete strangers, even though I am still not totally confident, I use a shield in a way, so that they see a little of what I am like first!

the only thing I still can't do is totally walk up to a person, and start having a "normal" conversation. I still tend to back away from things like that. unless it is something like asking a barmaid for a drink!!

so kel, only go at the pace you are ready for, and don't beat yourself up, because you aren't very social, you are who you are, not what you need to do to please others! blimme! I am happy just 1 night out, killing people with my singing on the karaoke, or going out with friends.

it does take a lot to get confidence, well I am still trying to be better after 14 years of saying I am going to do something about this.

imperfect angel · Post by **imperfect angel** » Thu Jan 25, 2007 3:59 am

thnks for all ur advice...yah i do feel like tht a lot of times if i dont take him then there will be no one else...i just cant believe im only 18 and have been in so many bad relationships...and the guys who were nice to me i eventually had to break it off cuz i couldn't no matter how hard i tried b myself around them. I can be very outgoing and crazy when around certain people...i understand what u mean by how draining not being urself can b. Especially at school, when people r always like "do u speak" and all tht...its like i do but in certain enviorments i get very shy and quiet...like beyond my control like i cant help it. No matter how hard i try this quality is disabling. It's like i dont like to call myself shy cuz my natural personality isn't like tht...its just sometimes i feel compelled to put my walls up u kno? This is something i have been literally struggling w/ since elementary school lol

david456 · Post by **david456** » Fri Jan 26, 2007 9:49 pm

My advice imperfect angel is be yourself. Don't change for anyone. Find someone, who treats you like you want to be treated and be happy.

If you have to change, don't like the way you are being treated or aren't happy. You deserve better.

If I like a girl, I like her for who she is. I wouldn't want to change her, just appreciate her for who she is and try and get to know her.

Post by **Shadwell** » Sat Jan 27, 2007 7:45 am

I agree with you david,

no matter what you shouldn't change unless you really want to, and not before you are ready.

never because someone else says that you got to change or else I am off.

and if I am with someone, I would much rather them be themselves, rather than getting them to change.

robyn · Post by **robyn** » Sat Jan 27, 2007 11:06 am

I was in a difficult and eventually violent relationship as a teenager, the problem was that i loved him, hes the only guy other than mycurent bf who iv ever loved. he was my friends big brother and as just that he helped me massively, he was so patient and understanding and caring, until we got together. then things became very intense and I realised that he was struggling with so many of his own demons that he couldnt be the great supportive guy id assumed he was, however I didnt act on that feeling cause my life was such a mes at the time and he was the only good thing in my life, despite the jealousy and possesiveness, then it turned violent and ended very badly, and unexpectedly. I think if events hadnt happened as they did I wouldnt have left him of my own accord. I took me years just to get over loving and loosing him, never mi nd the fact that Id put up with his abuse, but I never ended up in an abusive relationship again, and now I have a wounderful, supportive boyfriend who I am head over heels about. It amased me to learn that love can lift you up not drag you down. there are good guys out there....

and def just be yourself, being with someone who wants you to be someone your not is not a good feeling either. best of luck

gherkin001 · Post by **gherkin001** » Thu Oct 04, 2007 6:20 pm

I was in an abusive relationship for nearly 3 years, he started off nice and then it was little gripes and then full on violence. I was so scared of him yet I was so dependant on him that I couldnt find the strength to leave him, it was horrible.

Kirsty