Not coping at all

[Rummur]

I always knew something was a little off and at the age of 22 I was diagnosed with dyspraxia. I grew up believing that if I kept trying and worked hard, i could achieve anything. Well obviously that isn't true. Knowing I can never be any good at anything makes me want to quit. I'm at uni and I just want to drop out because no matter how hard I work, I will fail. I love drawing because I thought that one day I could be really good but now what's the point in creating ugly squiggles that won't improve? I can't even follow my dream of writing because I won't get better, no matter how many classes I take. I can't get into the midset of do it because you love it! I don't love it, I hate seeing mispelt words, ugly drawings, not being able to ride a bike or drive a car. Being described as disabled by my uni just makes me sick. I don't know how to cope. I just want to give up trying anything, no one will want me working for them. I never have had any confidence in myself and my diagnosis is even more reason to have no self esteem. Will I ever come to terms with never being able to achieve my dreams? Surely I have to eventually. I'm sorry if my post offends or upsets anyone but it's how I feel. I know this post is jumbled but I'm so upset right now. I know I'm at uni but it's a low end uni that literally lets anyone in and the only reason I get ok grades is because standards are lowered. I don't see uni as an achievement unless you go to Oxford or something. Pretty much anyone can get into uni if they want to, and it's almost an expected thing to do. I don't want to count mundane things as achievements to make myself feel better, I hate the whole "at least you participated" thing. The only way I will feel achievement is if I get a first (not going to happen). I'm reading law and even the woman who diagnosed me was like why the hell are you doing a reading course with dyslexia?(in slightly politer terms, of course) (if dyspraxia wasn't enough, I also have dyslexia and dyscalulia to add insult to injury) Again sorry if I'm upsetting anyone, just want to know if it's possible to accept not being able to achieve.

[Tom fod]

I always knew something was a little off and at the age of 22 I was diagnosed with dyspraxia. I grew up believing that if I kept trying and worked hard, i could achieve anything. Well obviously that isn't true. Knowing I can never be any good at anything makes me want to quit. I'm at uni and I just want to drop out because no matter how hard I work, I will fail. I love drawing because I thought that one day I could be really good but now what's the point in creating ugly squiggles that won't improve? I can't even follow my dream of writing because I won't get better, no matter how many classes I take. I can't get into the midset of do it because you love it! I don't love it, I hate seeing mispelt words, ugly drawings, not being able to ride a bike or drive a car.

Being described as disabled by my uni just makes me sick. I don't know how to cope. I just want to give up trying anything, no one will want me working for them. I never have had any confidence in myself and my diagnosis is even more reason to have no self esteem. Will I ever come to terms with never being able to achieve my dreams? Surely I have to eventually. I'm sorry if my post offends or upsets anyone but it's how I feel. I know this post is jumbled but I'm so upset right now.

I know I'm at uni but it's a low end uni that literally lets anyone in and the only reason I get ok grades is because standards are lowered. I don't see uni as an achievement unless you go to Oxford or something. Pretty much anyone can get into uni if they want to, and it's almost an expected thing to do. I don't want to count mundane things as achievements to make myself feel better, I hate the whole "at least you participated" thing. The only way I will feel achievement is if I get a first (not going to happen). I'm reading law and even the woman who diagnosed me was like why the hell are you doing a reading course with dyslexia?(in slightly politer terms, of course) (if dyspraxia wasn't enough, I also have dyslexia and dyscalulia to add insult to injury) Again sorry if I'm upsetting anyone, just want to know if it's possible to accept not being able to achieve.

Hi Rummur and welcome. I’m sure no offence will be taken

I and many others here can emphathise with the feelings you’re currently experiencing as we’ve all had (and have) similar days. Just because your University considers you to be ‘disabled‘ doesn’t mean that you have to necessarily accept that you are, (that doesn’t mean you have to refuse any help they offer).

There are varying opinions of whether dyspraxia is a disability. You could take the view that society’s attitudes to it, make it one. It’s very much relative and subjective as we’re all individuals and whilst most people either have a formal diagnosis or consider/suspect ourselves to have dyspraxia we all have a unique experience of it, which is influenced by myriad factors.

I sense that, like me, you’re a perfectionist and tend to turn against yourself if you fail to live up to the exacting standards you set. (I managed to stupidly lose a tenner yesterday and am still a bit annoyed with myself 24 hours on. I'm also visually impaired so can't drive even If I mostly appear to be outwardly normal, my self esteem is badly affected by this as times.)

I haven’t seen your ‘ugly‘ drawings but if they’re on mine or others‘ wavelength there’s every chance they would be appreciated. If some people feel they’re not their cup of tea, well that’s their prerogative, You don’t have to agree that their opinion particularly counts.

Working hard does count but there is a strong measure of needing to be in the right place at the right time and the old challenge of having to prove yourself in order that you are seen for what you can do. If you’ll pardon an analogy, sometimes we find ourselves pushing when we should be pulling and equally we may not actually be at the right door.

I don’t expect I’ve addressed everything you’ve written here and I know you are more than likely able to tear holes in what I’ve written. Please do feel free to come back with anything you feel I have glibly glossed over or wildly misinterpreted. (either openly as a reply here, or as a private message (PM)).

Dyspraxia doesn’t limit intelligence but there are people who ‘misguidedly’ believe it does. It's better to prove them wrong subtly though of course there's a temptation to want to publicly humiliate, you won't be respected for doing so.

[ebolababe]

hellll yes, feel exactly the same.... i am uni doing guess what? fine art! and the stress seems to make my hands shake totally uncontrollably sometimes, which is disappointing because i had built up some half decent drawing skills which have all crumbled away, my writing has gone down the hill and into a ****ing bear trap. I have made friends with 2 people, and i trust neither of them, I am made fun of behind my back daily, every mistake i make rips me up and shoves me onto the verge of tears. i hate it.

i have always found it impossible to explain how exhausting it is to try and live life as a normal human being. Now i have the diagnosis, at 20yrs old, i don't really know whether it will help or not. People are so exhausting, and why should i try, when I know i will fail? Why should i bother moving my legs anywhere, if i'll trip over my toes and fall on my face? why should i respond to perfunctory, sarcastic, insincere hi-hows-it-goings from people i know are not my friends and do not like me? why do i pick up a pencil when i know i'm not holding it properly? i try, and my efforts are never good enough. i try to get help, and am told i am perfectly normal. i stop trying, and am told i am deliberately stopping myself from achieving. my brain screws up massively and i am written off as a druggie, which is the last thing i am. i don't understand how anyone could look at someone who is having difficulties and assume that they consciously chose it just to be awkward. i have suspected for some time, i have more than 1 thing wrong with me. I have been assessed as dyslexic, dyspraxic and dyscalculic. i wonder if anything else will be added to the list? but again everyone has their issues... life is a box of diagnoses, to paraphase forrest gump, you never know which one you're gonna get.

[Tom fod]

Hi Ebolababe and welcome to our community

It's hard to answer your 'questions' and really only you can. However I want to offer some ideas

You evaded diagnosis for 20 years which shows you can function. 'Normal' is subjective but I think most people would like to be different to how they are.

Getting the right help post diagnosis is not easy as understanding of dyspraxia is still less than what it could be. I think probably the best way is to use it as a reason to stop beating yourself up because you're finding things are difficult. Often the normal 'accepted' ways of doing things don't really work for us and we have to keep trying to find a way that does or accept that our way is equally valid, since, after all, it works for us.

At one stage I had certain 'friends' who took the pee out of everything I said or tried to do. It was horrible and I think it probably made me harder on myself than they could ever be.

If people seem to only be pretending to be nice try and give them some credit for at least trying though I'm positive you do have many redeeming qualities.

Anyway welcome to our forum and please feel free to use it as a space to vent where we probably have a better understanding of where you're coming from having experienced similar challenges and feelings.

If you want to challenge or question my response please do feel free if it helps.

[Greg99]

Their is always hope. You can achieve anything you wish but it might take more time than the muggles. It can be frustrating but to be on honest those with dyspraxia have invaluable strengths.

[morgank82]

HI
I just want to let u know, that it can be done, but hard road to push limits or boudaries for us, and we do tend to get more harsher on our selves, for we can be a damn good critic in our heads and jinx the moment we notice our symptoms flaring up. if one has anxiety or depression on top of dyspraxia then it's a different situation more intense having two come at ya at once.
If that's the case I am learning
Take anxiety out first best you can, if u need help reach out for it if u can
And then tackle dyspraxia. The two are evil back to back and can trick u in thinking u can't a lot of the time. Almost like the triangle if u take a side out it will collapse the fire or hell inside of your cage.
Sometimes I have to listen to my advice myself. I catch my self more then I want to admit,
Tom has some really good advise and others can help or relate as well. Cheers

[poodlelover81]

I hate seeing mispelt words, ugly drawings, not being able to ride a bike or drive a car. Being described as disabled by my uni just makes me sick. I don't know how to cope.

You say you won't be able to write, but you missed one thing. Most university classes and the rest of the world might I add, use computers. So poor handwriting isn't an excuse not to write; I myself have what has been deemed to have a "doctor's handwriting". Also, computers have spell-checkers too.