Aahaha **** uni why did I even go back I am so mad I have to write it down instead of say it because I am angry with myself for not achieving, not making grade, not doing exams keeping myself separate sending myself crazy over what a stupid piece of ****ing paper which will make me a slave to the ****ing machine. Why don’t I try, don’t I care don’t I like hard work, is it my dyspraxia I don’t have a ****ing clue. Am I worth living where is my life going am I depressed is it my dyspraxia why can I not motivate myself to do something with my life. I need to lock myself off from others and sort my life out. This is why I have social anxiety this is why I have mental issues. I can figure out who I am I can’t figure out what to do im smart I don’t need a ****ing piece of paper to show that, but these employers in the system need it I thought It was cool to go uni because I had no clue what my life was going or where I am going in life.
If I don’t sort myself out soon I will lead down a dark path. I just need to get a job, earn some money and travel. And **** my landlord, I sent him an email about some stupid tax exemption form months ago, now he comes with this bullshit about I’ve been charged £1000 odd pounds if he checked his ****ing emails he would’ve known that im a part time student and that my parents would’ve paid the difference. I swear this is the lowest point I’ve felt im my life. Why didn’t I just stay in America and work? Why did I come back to England and spend all my student loan on drink and gambling and not work towards anything real. Why did I reject a certified job in Canada to stay here I need to get far away from people. Why did I just look elsewhere once my application for my journalism course was undersubscribed why? Ever since high school I felt belittled being put in the bottom set no matter what grades I got so I stopped trying. I gave up what’s the point as being stupid and ignorant by your peers when you’re not so I started acting stupid and ignorant to fit my so called persona which people thought I had.
Im the most misunderstood person no one understands me I see the world different. What’s the point of getting a graduate job if im not in the right frame of mind to get a good piece of paper me call a degree If Im dead in the next 6 months I don’t care. I just need some sort of help and guidance to direct me on the right path I need money first and foremost I need a job just any job to keep me from going insane. I know I can get my degree I just physically cannot bring myself to do the work for some reason. Why is that? It doesn’t make sense I spend hours upon hours reading philosopher books reading business books but not doing the work right in front of me. I don’t get it I can’t work myself out what is this voice in my head telling me I can’t do things when others can. I know I can talk myself into a top job I know I can do anything if I put mind to it but for some reason I can’t. My self-esteem has been so for so long I was ashamed about everything that’s why I used to lie a lot im primary school that’s why I used to take the **** out of others when was at high school to hide my own insecurities in life.
Why do I feel like I need to break out of this trapped mind I’ve got? My self-esteem is so low I hate seeing other people I know. I keep myself to myself because I don’t want to let people in to what im thinking. That’s why I am so reserved. I need to break the 4th wall and this system of hate I’ve got inside. Im trying to be positive but I can’t. As soon as something happens to me I go off the rails. Im writing this message on the dyspraxia forum as an outlet to help me. I don’t want help with careers motives and all that bullshit I want help mentally. No one understands that people just think im lazy and I can’t work when mentally im all over the place. Once I get my mental head together I can focus on everything else. Every education system I’ve been at I just can’t do it I just can’t put myself through it I just cannot get my head around certain things. Even when approaching people I always overthink, am I weird do they like me, and that’s one thing I don’t care I just want to work and keep myself to myself if people want to get to know me then expect a lot of negativity. I carry a lot of baggage in my life. Mental issues anxiety and depression procrastination have been my downfall not dyspraxia. I thought I would share my life to you to want my frustration with myself and why I do the things I do if you read it will appreciate it if you don’t I don’t care life goes on. Hopefully now I’ve finished uni prematurely I can focus on what’s important in my life which is getting money (if these stingy companies will employ me) travelling and working on recovering from my depression by opening up to the public in this way. I won’t give up on life I just needed to write things down to vent my frustration to randomness as my parent is wont listen, my friends won’t listen, my gf (probably ex by the time it’s posted) won’t listen and I hope I can get some things off my chest. Please try to understand me.
P.s people always say try hard but what if you’re not in the right frame of mind to get yourself to try hard. I’ve put a front of for too long and too many years hopefully with the dead qualifications I do have I can work earn a living and get myself together. I could be in a much worse position than I am I’ve got no commitments, not got in trouble with the law. I just need an opportunity to be able to be free work and travel that’s what I want to do that’s what I aim to do Im not going to work in an industry business which I have no interest in but whatever job I get ill hopefully enjoy and if not it’ll just be cash for when I travel. I want to see the world because it’ll open my eyes and hopefully humble me to how lucky I am and cure my mental issues and anxieties I have. Education has just stressed me out its too structured I’ve learnt more off the internet than I have off the university lecturers in the last 3 years.
Angry Vent on my Life (Please Read)
Moderator: Moderator Team
Re: Angry Vent on my Life (Please Read)
Hi there, I'm really sorry to hear you're sounding so down and I hope things get better for you soon. It's really difficult having this dyspraxia isn't it? Have you had any support from anyone at uni? I know I often recommend this but I really think the Dyspraxia Foundation have been very good. Their website is www.dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk (you may already know about it). Sometimes they have local groups. I've found it's been amazing to finally find out (and I'm 44 now) that there are lots of other people with issues like me.
I've had depression and anxiety on and off for years, and only now am I starting to sort this out. Please don't struggle on alone and if you feel really bad please go to the GP or phone the Samaritans who I think are brilliant. I've also been to counselling (and there is a Christian counselling locally I go to which doesn't charge much money, if anything, and you just pay what you can afford, or not pay if you do not have income).
I think the worst thing about dyspraxia is that people will often think we're not trying hard enough - there's this attitude around nowadays that we can all make it if we try hard enough and there's no excuses, but actually our brains do all work differently. It's a case of finding what our strengths are. I think this was always the worst thing for me growing up that poeple thought I was not trying on purpose. Now I understand myself better, things have improved a lot.
Do keep in touch with the forum and please don't struggle on alone if you feel really depressed. This time last year I was getting very down and didn't realise quite how bad I felt. One of my friends (who it turns out has depression herself) saw me and was worried and took me to the doctor. I now feel a lot better, especially since finding the dyspraxia forum and finding out about dyspraxia (which I hardly knew anything about until six months ago!)
It must be a difficult time being at university (I was never brave enough to go, even though I was offered a place, and I wish I'd been able to go for help earlier in life, although I think dyspraxia wasn't much known about then). Hopefully there will be people there who can help. I expect there are other students with dyspraxia and dyslexia and it might be you could get together and share ideas. I think one of the main things we need help with is organisation and if you can go and see someone about this rather than just reading it in a book I think that would be very good.
I wish you luck, and hope you're able to get some help. I know it's difficult but please don't be afraid to ask.
Take care. Nicky
I've had depression and anxiety on and off for years, and only now am I starting to sort this out. Please don't struggle on alone and if you feel really bad please go to the GP or phone the Samaritans who I think are brilliant. I've also been to counselling (and there is a Christian counselling locally I go to which doesn't charge much money, if anything, and you just pay what you can afford, or not pay if you do not have income).
I think the worst thing about dyspraxia is that people will often think we're not trying hard enough - there's this attitude around nowadays that we can all make it if we try hard enough and there's no excuses, but actually our brains do all work differently. It's a case of finding what our strengths are. I think this was always the worst thing for me growing up that poeple thought I was not trying on purpose. Now I understand myself better, things have improved a lot.
Do keep in touch with the forum and please don't struggle on alone if you feel really depressed. This time last year I was getting very down and didn't realise quite how bad I felt. One of my friends (who it turns out has depression herself) saw me and was worried and took me to the doctor. I now feel a lot better, especially since finding the dyspraxia forum and finding out about dyspraxia (which I hardly knew anything about until six months ago!)
It must be a difficult time being at university (I was never brave enough to go, even though I was offered a place, and I wish I'd been able to go for help earlier in life, although I think dyspraxia wasn't much known about then). Hopefully there will be people there who can help. I expect there are other students with dyspraxia and dyslexia and it might be you could get together and share ideas. I think one of the main things we need help with is organisation and if you can go and see someone about this rather than just reading it in a book I think that would be very good.
I wish you luck, and hope you're able to get some help. I know it's difficult but please don't be afraid to ask.
Take care. Nicky
Re: Angry Vent on my Life (Please Read)
Sorry just realised you said you had left uni - didn't read that bit properly! I think there is help out there but it's hard when you feel down to access it. I do think the Dyspraxia Foundation are good, because they understand, a lot of the time people think that it's the depression that's causing the problems, whereas I feel that the dyspraxia led to me being depressed, and my depression is easing off now that I have some help for my dyspraxia.
when I was diagnosed last month the lady who did the tests was helpful and made suggestions how to organise myself better. This is really a key thing. I'm still struggling up to a point but things are much better than they were.
when I was diagnosed last month the lady who did the tests was helpful and made suggestions how to organise myself better. This is really a key thing. I'm still struggling up to a point but things are much better than they were.
Re: Angry Vent on my Life (Please Read)
thank you for reading and responding to my vent lol... i didnt think anyone would i thought it might startle some people was literally a random vent after i finished an exam in which i had forgot everything id revised for ( You know how some dyspraxics have bad short term memory), but built up full of 10 yrs of frustration ( i found out i had dyspraxia 10 yrs ago this month actually lol) when i was a teenager i used to channel my frustration at my little brother and friends but over time learnt to write things down now. Its so frustrating when your own mother doesnt understand you or how i think despite me being 22 yrs old.The reason i went university is because i had a yr out after college and thought i may aswell because everyone else was and had no clue what to do with my life. my mum is a teacher and I went to a private school and have had to live up to high expectations which got to me especially with having dyspraxia (my older brother is in a top role at a marketing firm and my younger brother is a top A grade student on his way to a top 10 university) i think ive been brainwashed to thinking uni is the be all and end all of life despite the lack of support available to help me succeed. i am smart but i just cant convert my intelligence onto an exam or assignment.
I try not to make excuses but i have no confidence about myself. i just need to find my forte and think its hard, i never used to put my dyspraxic disability on job applications but it just got me sacked. i realised i want a simple life i want to work and travel.
thank you for reading my frustrations and understanding them and ill take any advice you give me.
I try not to make excuses but i have no confidence about myself. i just need to find my forte and think its hard, i never used to put my dyspraxic disability on job applications but it just got me sacked. i realised i want a simple life i want to work and travel.
thank you for reading my frustrations and understanding them and ill take any advice you give me.
Re: Angry Vent on my Life (Please Read)
Hi good to hear back from you. I think most of us with dyspraxia have felt like that at some point so don't worry. It is frustrating sometimes. I do think it would be good to get some help. The trouble is that a lot of people still don't really understand dyspraxia but there are people out there who can help. Coping with dyspraxia by Jill eskers levy is a good book. The lady who diagnosed me suggested I do some brain gym exercises which I haven't yet but will get the book. It may sound strange but I have been playing patience and doing the game Simon where you copy sequences of coloured flights. This is to help co-ordination.
There are some good ideas on this forum especially on studying and day to day living as well.
I try to always write a list now every day of what I need to do. I put a lot of detail even things like emptying the dishwasher. I used to feel silly about this but it does help.
I think also don't be afraid to ask for help. Not everyone understands but I've been surprised how often people are understanding and how many other people have dyspraxia and dyslexia.
Good luck. Hope things get better for you.
There are some good ideas on this forum especially on studying and day to day living as well.
I try to always write a list now every day of what I need to do. I put a lot of detail even things like emptying the dishwasher. I used to feel silly about this but it does help.
I think also don't be afraid to ask for help. Not everyone understands but I've been surprised how often people are understanding and how many other people have dyspraxia and dyslexia.
Good luck. Hope things get better for you.