Does this sound familiar?

[kiwi]

Hi, I am not dyspraxic myself, but my fiance is. He can tick off about 9/10 of any checklist...
You could say that living with him is difficult. "like white water rafting - challenging, but ultimately, satisfying"
I joined this forum looking for reassurance, and maybe help. 60% of the time, he is chatty and helpful and wonderful. And then, on other days, the other side of him comes out. The stressy, short tempered difficult to deal with guy. all along I just thought that this was him, but it turns out his dyspraxia is to blame. Here is where my problem lies:

1. He prefers time alone and goes about talking about this in such a tactless in-elegant way that all i hear is - I don't want to spend time with you, or anyone, ever. I'd be better off without anyone. I now understand that people with dyspraxia enjoy alone time more than the average person, and I can handle that now, knowing that it's not me that's doing anything wrong.

2. He can be quick to snap. Sometimes, I feel too shy to ask him for a favour in case he snaps at me. "what?! ohh for gods sake, can't you get the bus?" I've often brought this up with him, and it's often misplaced frustration - other people winding him up, and me being the last straw. He can't keep snapping like this though, other people arn't as understanding as I am, and some people in his social circle are getting upset with his behaviour.

3. He bottles things up, until everything boils over all at once, and then unleashes them on me in one big, not quite thought out rant, which ends up sounding different to his intention.

4. mood swings. He can be happy and chatty and great to talk to one morning, and by the evening, he appears to be stressed about something - scowling, short sentences, just really cut off. It really makes me feel like I'm trying to connect with a brick wall. It hurts that I can't help.

this makes us sound like a couple from hell, but seriously, when thing's arn't being difficult our relationship is perfect!

Does this behaviour sound familiar? if so, what goes through your head when you experience it? what could someone do to help?

[Daniel]

I can certainly see elements of that in myself, although as I've got used to the traits of dyspraxia I learn to try to keep them in check and prevent things building up so that I snap. However dyspraxia is a variable thing and your other half's dyspraxia may well be more severe than my own.

I think people with dyspraxia can be more susceptible than most at things getting on top of them - and they needn't necessarily be big or important things; we can have higher sensitivity to lots of day-to-day factors such as noise and we may not be good at multitasking.

In terms of mood-swings, I have some anecdotal evidence that dyspraxics can have greater mood swings if they're hungry.

Hope this helps, and welcome to the forum!

Daniel

[Daniel]

As an additional note, please avoid cross-posting the same message in different parts of the forum. I've removed the same post from the relationships section. Thanks.

[Lady Fluff]

damn, if you hadn't described your fiance as a he, I'd've thought it was me you were talkign about!

I'm lucky havign a dyspraxic partner, so we understand each other's foibles! We live together well, on the understanding that we each need our own space. A three bed house might seem a lot for a couple, no kids and 2 hamsters, but it allows plenty of space for us.
I can certainly be quick to snap. I don't tend to get angry, it's a pretty rare thing, but when I do, it's over a little thing, and, as you say, the bottle overfloweth as it were.
And I get swingy with my moods too - I can be all cuddles one minute, and can switch to don't touch me, leave me alone in an instant - it's very confusing! Good job we both do it, but not enough to prevent us ever havign contact!

[xxarianwenxx]

It can be very difficult living with somebody with dyspraxia. And whilst we don’t set out to hurt the ones we love, sometimes, by saying we need space as tactless as possible gets results. As terrible as it sounds when I ask nicely to be left alone I get nowhere. It will often end in a big row, with me saying I no longer want to be with my partner. When in actual fact this is not what I want. But at that moment in time, I need my space, and will do absolutely anything to achieve space. My point is its not you, it’s us lol. It’s not because of you I need space, and a lot of the time you’ve done nothing wrong. I do however need space, whether it’s to reflect upon my day or just some chill time. I am the same with my parents and friends. Thankfully their all very understanding, magnificent people.

As far as my moods go, (this is in relation to the waking up one day happy the next day in a fowl mood for no apparent reason) and this may or may not be helpful in relation to your partner, if I wake up in a bad mood, allow me to get on with it. My point is, that by doing nothing, you’re actually helping more, even though it may feel the complete opposite and that you’re completely powerless.Once again for me in particular, this comes down to space. I’m already unintentionally looking for a target, why subject yourself, and draw a target on your face for me/him?

(In relation to taking his frustrations that other people have made him endure that he then takes out on you.) The harsh reality is people will only treat you how you allow them to treat you. And whilst I think your brilliant in how understanding you are to your partner and can tell you obviously have much love for him, it’s not ok for him to do this to you. He wouldn’t speak to his co-workers like that, or a stranger. So why make it ok for him to do this to you? You’re his fiancé, his partner and his equal, right? Would he like it if you did this to him? You’re not his verbal punch bag. And its not ok for him to treat you this way. (i realise that this isnt all day every day, however just 5 minutes of us going on at you can sometimes prove worse than a week of somebody else going on at you, it hurts, i know this now as my partner has told me so)

I don’t know whether any of this will help? I just know from personal experience of living with dyspraxia, this helps me x

[Jim]

"Space" is the operative word.

Speaking from personal experience... If my responses are short, non elaborative and curt.. Then basically I'm in no mood for interaction of any kind.

That's not to say that anyone has done anything to upset me (intentionally or unintentionally).. But when I'm stressed, anxious or am in a bad mood the one thing I need above all else is my space of peace and quiet. When I have those conditions I'll calm myself down remarkably quickly because I've removed the trigger of whatever has wound me up.

The last thing I need is interference. And that includes inferred sympathy or help of any kind ilregardless of how well intended it is. If I need someone's help then I will ask for it directly.

I deal with my stress in my own way, I have no intention on taking it out on anyone else and will try to contain myself as much as I possibly can, yet if someome ignores the signs and persists in trying to engage me, when I've made it clear that at this moment I simply need to be kindly left alone then they'd better prepare themselves for the fallout.

So the signs that I do not want to talk, and need my space are short, often one word answers which are non elaborative and curt. I won't actually be rude unless that person persists in engaging me... When I've already had to repeat myself to them and tried warning them off civilly first.

[Peculiar]

I'm like that almost completely, except for giving people favors. I don't really have an issue doing that usually, but sometimes I do. When I do have a problem doing someone a favor, I keep my thoughts to myself. I've learned over the years that sometimes I hurt people's feelings by expressing my true feelings. So I try to compromise. "I'll do this for you, if you do that for me." etc. Then it makes it more bareable. You can try compomising with him if you need a favor.

As far as is personal time, it's extremely important, for me anyway, that I have my alone time. I can't handle being around people constantly. I feel overwelmed and I get frustrated. I feel the same way when you said he should just not live with anyone, because my personality clashes too much with people, and my family get irritated with me. They think I'm just complaining a lot, especially when it comes to my things. I don't like it when people touch my things. I don't like it when I'm not in the mood to talk, and someone wants to get information out of me. Also, when I'm mad, I don't want to talk about it while I'm still mad. I need to calm down first. And another thing that makes it hard to live with me, and it effects my work too, is that I can't think under pressure. If someone asks me a question, I need time to think about it before I can answer, otherwise my mind goes completely blank. Add pressure on top of having a blank mind, you get frustration and anger. I guess the best advise for me to give you when he snaps at you, is keep trying not to take it personally. It's not your fault, it's just a response to an emotion that he can't translate very well.

I have friends that have confronted me about my behavior and some of the things I say that make people upset or irritated with me. Usually I am unaware of these things. If you don't confront him about a certain behavioral trait that is upsetting you and other people, he will continue to do it. He needs you to tell him, honestly, but not mean, what exactly it is that's making you upset with him, and remind him when he does it. Eventually, it will be a conscious effort on his part not to do it anymore, because now he's aware of it. That helps me a lot. But do it one at a time, if he has more behavioral problems, and spread it out over time. If you tell him everything all at once, he'll get overwelmed and his self esteem will suffer.

Hope I helped with some insight. Good luck!