Insensitive family members

[AlleyCat]

Does anyone else have close family members who make no effort to find out about dyspraxia, resulting in them having inappropriate expectations? I have just come across this situation yet again with members of my immediate family. Basically, they are trying to pressurise me into doing yet another course, because I ought to be 'getting on and doing something'. My younger sister, who doesn't have dyspraxia and has got a well paid job, is offering to pay for me to do a course of her suggestion, so my parents' attitude is that I ought to be grateful, because she is being 'very generous.' All three of them are completely ignoring the fact that if I wanted to do yet another course, I would suggest it myself.

One of the courses which is being suggested is heavily reliant on the development of high level practical skills, so is not the best course for someone who has dyspraxia. I have made it clear to them that I am unhappy about being pressurised into doing courses which, based on past experiences, will either lead to disaster or leave me in no better a position than I was in before I started, but they won't respect how I feel, instead saying that I am being 'awkward' and 'stubborn'. My dad also insists he can't understand why I might find it patronising that my younger sister is offering to pay for me- he fails to see my perspective that, if I'd been taken more seriously by them from an earlier age, I might have received support for dyspraxia at a time when it would have made more of a difference to me and I could have ended up in a well paid job myself.

Does anyone else with dyspraxia feel that their parents behaved more positively towards a non-dyspraxic sibling when they were growing up? The age gap between me and my younger sister is unfortunately not particularly large, so she was able to catch up and go past me in terms of motor skills development when we were growing up- this led to her being encouraged to do things (such as getting involved in activities in the kitchen), whereas my parents lost patience with me and I was discouraged, which of course put me off trying things in future. The most frustrating thing for me is that my parents won't admit that they should have done things differently when I was growing up- all they will say is that 'they didn't know about the dyspraxia', as if that's somehow a valid excuse for their behaviour. Even now, they seem to treat my sister with more respect than me.

[Tom fod]

Hi AlleyCat

Sounds like a horrid situation and I wish I knew the answer. I sometimes feel my brother has got better treatment and I have protested but generally it does seem to fall on deaf ears. Fortunately I'd say I have the better job though I still live at home and he has a flat and is rather the prodigal son. He gets steak I get corn beef. (though I'd had a bit of steak the day before)

I think the offer of extra training is all well and good but it has to be something that you (and you sister) will get value for money from. If the course really won't help could you perhaps suggest a way to use the money to be of more benefit/help to you?

What do you want or could see yourself doing? Could you perhaps write them a letter. I find I'm rubbish at saying stuff but am a lot more comfortable expressing myself in writing. It's also a good way of getting things out of your head to better analyse a way forward.

Try to give them a chance they probably do feel some guilt at not knowing how to help more effectively and are at least trying (very trying it seems).

All the best

Tom

[AlleyCat]

Hi Tom, thanks for being so understanding. I have in the past emailed my sister when I've become particularly annoyed at her sticking her nose in where it's not wanted, but she then tends to ignore what I've got to say, instead having a whinge to her partner about how 'stubborn' I am. When she and I have opposing opinions about something, my parents have an unfortunate tendency to take her view more seriously than mine, possibly because she is the one who has achieved what most parents are supposed to want for their children (ie own house, life partner and rewarding career) and I have not. I do have my own ideas about what I would like to do; they're actually things which wouldn't necessarily cost a lot of money, but would require time for me to get any good at them. I'm interested in creative writing and web design, both of which I can do from home, but I think my immediate family members have a tendency to be impatient if they don't see results within a relatively short period of time. However, this just isn't realistic where the interests I wish to pursue are concerned, so I'm just going to have to ignore pressure from them as best I can. I'm determined to never again give in to the pressure to go away and do a course when my heart isn't in it, as I know all too well from past experience that it's likely to be a recipe for disappointment and that I could end up in a worse position than before I started.

Have you found that your parents just don't want to find out more about how dyspraxia can affect someone? Out of interest, does either of your parents have it? I suspect my mum actually has it, but she won't admit to it. My dad recently told me that, years ago, she left a job because she was told she was 'too slow'- however, he told me that I mustn't mention this to her as I'm not supposed to know about it. When I used to complain to her about being bad at ball games, she used to tell me that she could never catch a ball as a child- what was frustrating for me was that, instead of agreeing with me that this wasn't good, and that it possibly indicated something was wrong, she used it as an excuse to suggest that it was ok that I couldn't do it because she couldn't! When I was growing up, I used to tell her about various other things I was struggling with, but she used to dismiss them- her dismissiveness is a large part of the reason why it took until my mid-twenties for me to be diagnosed with dyspraxia.

[Tim G]

Sounds like your parents are really just wanting to supress and not deal with there own issue (this is quite commen for people of this genration unforantly). This has a negitive effect on you as if they delt with there issues and were open about it then they would be more lickly to be the same towards you. However this is not the case and I don't think it will change unless they make that deshion.

I compleatly understand your situation allthough my parents have helped in some aspects (manly by throwing money around) they havent reashearshed or know about dyspraxicia at all, have just done things for me and not trusted me so things are done for me and I havent learnt things for myself etc.
I have tryed talking to them about it and getting through to them but it really hasent worked.

My advice would be try talking to them about dyspracixia - what it is, how it affects you etc and see if they understand and listen to this - if they do then that shold help some aspects.
However if talking to them dosent work just do what you want to do and make that clear to them - have your own goals and work through them youself if you cant work with your family then there is no real point in trying.

[AlleyCat]

I think you may be right about people of their generation being less open to discussion in general, particularly when it's to do with more uncomfortable issues. I can definitely relate to what you say about your parents throwing money at you and thinking that they've done a good job because of that. Parents like yours and mine just don't seem to realise that one of the worst things parents of dyspraxic children can do is not allow them to do things for themselves, either because they don't trust their children, are impatient with them or think they're doing them a favour by doing things for them. Although I didn't have the label of dyspraxia when I was growing up, I think my parents should have still encouraged me to develop practical skills as much as possible- I wish they'd thought ahead to where I might end up in a few years time as a result of not developing various skills. Not allowing a child with dyspraxia to get involved in practical tasks of course leads to dyspraxia having a far bigger impact on someone's life further down the line than it might otherwise have done.

Like your parents, I don't think my parents will be very interested if I try sitting them down to explain about how dyspraxia affects me. Part of the reason for this is that my dad paid a lot of money for me to go on the DDAT programme, so perhaps doesn't want to think I still have dyspraxia- whilst going on the programme definitely improved my spatial awareness and ability to drive a car, it didn't cure my dyspraxia completely.

[Tim G]

Sounds like a verry simmiler situation - my parents could afford (just) to send me to private school for childen with education needs - i.e. dyslexicia, ADHD, dyspraxicia etc. This did help and I did well at school and I worked hard and got the best grades I personaly could. For this reason I am gratefull to them.

However I feel that school was really a bubble and I wasent prepared at all for life outside or really what unie would be like. I feel before that I could cope but its clear now that dyspraxicia and its realted issues caught up with me.

Your right dyspraxicia can't be cured its somthing that can be mannaged and but it wont go away.

I think the thing with practial skills is that we should be given the chance to have a go with it and at least try, just beceuse we arnt the best or good first time then thats no reason to just give up or not be given a chance.

[shadowgirl021]

Again, I feel lucky when I read some of these posts. I am sorry to hear about your parents or I guess your dads negative reaction.
Me and my dad have a very solid relationship but when I told him about my firing and horrible work history I eventually told him I got told I could be Dyspraxic. He dismissed it straight away, as when I told him what the symptoms were he said well that's not you, and everyone tends to forget things and he gave me an example of how he forget something and how his wife (my step mum) forgets things as well. I don't think he thought Dyspraxia was considered serious enough to be critical for people, though in his defence, he did ask me how it made me feel. He did get worried when he phoned me and I forget something that he thought I should have remembered. "you know that, I told you before" that made me smile.
So maybe that is how your dad feels, not considered critical enough or not taken seriously enough because your sister is apparently doing well or if you are thrown at the deep end you will somehow get through it. It must be frustrating to know that your mother could be Dyspraxic and not being allowed to talk about it. she could be feeling embarrassed about her job and the fact that she couldn't catch a ball and top of your fathers reaction even if she did and say I have Dyspraxia, it seems like she whould not get much support from him?

[AlleyCat]

I agree that my mum might be embarrassed about her symptoms of dyspraxia and might not want to acknowledge that she has it herself. Based on past experiences of my dad's behaviour towards her, I think you're right that my dad wouldn't be sympathetic towards her if she told him she thought she had dyspraxia- in fact he might blame her for passing it on to me! My mum has never been the 'perfect housewife', although she tries her best, but my dad used to compare the state of our house (which really wasn't bad), with the obsessively high standards of his own mother's house, as well as claiming that he'd been in various other people's houses with standards of housekeeping a lot higher than ours. If my mum does indeed have dyspraxia, she was never going to be able to keep the house in perfect order- as anyone with dyspraxia knows, it just isn't realistic for us to be able to achieve this. My dad also used to mention how he had never seen my mother read a book the entire time he'd known her- in response to that, she used to tell him that she couldn't concentrate, which of course could be another sign of dyspraxia. I think it's a real shame that my mum can't be more sympathetic towards me, but it's sometimes said that people can behave harshly towards others who display the same things that they most dislike about themselves. If I ever have children and any of them has dyspraxia, I'm determined to support and encourage them.

[Tom fod]

it's sometimes said that people can behave harshly towards others who display the same things that they most dislike about themselves. If I ever have children and any of them has dyspraxia, I'm determined to support and encourage them.

So much of this thread really resonates with my experiences. Sadly there's a fair bit of bickering in my family. I'd say my Mum definitely has dyspraxic tendencies, so too does my brother. My dad is disinclined to attempt many DIY tasks. In some circumstances I'm not afraid to have a go, though it can go a bit wrong. (Don't worry I have a sense of self preservation so I steer well clear of electrics and wouldn't go near plumbing, blowtorches or chainsaws!)

In my opinion stubbornness needs to re-phrased as determination and harnessed as a virtue. We, like most, don’t like to be pushed about. We perfectly capable of driving ourselves though at times we need a bit more encouragement due to the disheartening effects of dyspraxia. The feeling that we’re being forced into something is massively counter-productive!

It’s a harsh world out there so stubbornness does have it’s place and we need help and support to develop ourselves to know when and how far to press down on the stubborness accelerator pedal and when it is ok/sensible to give a little or let up. That of course is where a lot of our difficulties lie.

I went through mainstream schooling though did receive help including extra time and enlarged worksheets (wasn't keen on being 'marked out by the latter and I'll happily read text that is well laid out at standard sizes) I do believe wherever possible there needs to be integration and proper support. I did have to fight to get a job and be recognised and guess if I were to try and put a positive slant on it some of the grief I got re my lack of ability on the sports field helped me build my resilience though at times things do feel massively difficult and I get distressed and can’t help feeling why me or why does everything feel like it’s slipping away or on the verge of falling into a chasm.

There needs to be more opportunities for assistance after leaving school and more recognition and assistance and encouragement to build peoples' potential we deserve just as much recognition as dyslexia.

I’ve no doubt gone round in circles here but trick is making the circles feel less vicious. Be open to constructive criticism from those who value you but always ensure we have a say in things. Nobody should be dismissed.

I do feel a fair degree of sympathy with the view that there are too many syndromes and conditions in this day and age. I do, but don't like having to make excuses for myself. I feel that what is needed is enlightenment as far as everyone accepting each other for who we are and the individual talents and knowledge we can bring together as a whole. though I guess it’s often going to seem like a bit of a utopia.

Hope this doesn't come across as a rant though I'm sure parts will 8-)

[Moot]

That sounds really rubbish, AlleyCat. :/

'It's sometimes said that people can behave harshly towards others who display the same things that they most dislike about themselves. If I ever have children and any of them has dyspraxia, I'm determined to support and encourage them.' - Hear, hear! to this quote.
--


Pre-diagnosis, a few years or so before I spoke to someone on the internet who thought I might have dyspraxia. When I mentioned this my sister was like 'but that's too do with autism, isn't it' and was generally not taken as anything.

When I was diagnosed I don't think my parents looked very closely at the various problems (certainly father didn't bother, I'm sure, out of character, not because he's uninterested); at least that's the impression I get now when mum doesn't seem to have patience with me for not picking up how to do the simplest things straight away, etc. Getting diagnosed with something doesn't count for everything. Now I know it shouldn't be used as a constant excuse, but it should be understood as it does cause things that one cannot help. Actually I think my father might have some form of it, although in slight different ways like being decent at mental maths while I am worse than a little child at maths. But the way he is slow about things and forgets has made me suspicious. Mentioning this to mum she doesn't believe so, but that he is just lazy from laziness.

Now it seems to be ignored or forgotten that I have it so it is not considered in my current problems.

It is horrible when they don't understand.

[AlleyCat]

I agree that people (especially family members) should show more understanding and be more tolerant of us, as dyspraxia is a neurological condition which we can't help.

What you say about your dad is interesting- I would say that he could well have dyspraxia, although your mum probably doesn't want to think that he might have it. You're right that dyspraxia can affect people in different ways, hence him being good at mental arithmetic, whereas it's something you struggle with. My mum is actually quite good at mental arithmetic too, despite possibly having dyspraxia. Having said that, when our parents were at school pupils tended to be drilled a lot more in mental arithmetic than pupils were when we were at school.

[shakey]

This thread resonates a lot with me.
My family were frequently very critical of me as a child, teasing me about the things that I couldn't do. Mum will say things like "I think you chose to be left handed just to be awkward" (like any 5 year old knows that it's awkward to be left handed!) Recently she said to me "I think you were just lazy at school" (because I was doing so badly at primary school, but later did really well.) She isn't even talking to me at the moment because of a row we had 18 months ago or so. She doesn't know about dyspraxia & that I think I have it. I want to write her a letter about it but I'm worried that she will dismiss the idea out of hand because I don't have an official diagnosis & I don't fit all of the criteria (I have A level maths for a start - though I'm useless at mental maths & tables). My GP won't refer me so I'm stuffed really on that front, can't really afford a private assessment & not sure about forking out for it just to prove it to her, no one else seems to need proof, hubbies family seem to just accept it.

I'm waiting for my son to have an assessment for dyspraxia & I'm wondering whether to wait for that but it could be nearly 4 months till that happens, but that might be a no (I'm not sure if they will say it's more aspergers than dyspraxia) which won't help convince her at all (there's aspergers in my husband's family).

[shakey]

One little note on the kids front: I see so much in my younger son that I struggled with as a child, and I am determined to help him in every way I can, I love him so much, but he can be a very stubborn little boy.

Through that stubbornness I have had quite an insight into how some of my parents' attitudes towards me could have developed. Within an atmosphere of not understanding what was wrong they probably took my stubbornness as just being awkward.

I continually have to remind myself that there are reasons behind the way he behaves and it's my job to find out those reasons and try to help him get around the difficulties, but very often I am stumped and really feel that I need professional help to work things through. (Even though I have 'been there' & understand some of the problems!!)

Of course that professional help was not available before about 1990 when dyspraxia was first recognised, and schools seem reluctant to tell parents that there might be a problem in anything except the most severe cases. So many parents are just carrying on trying to do their best, assuming that their child is "normal" and just being difficult, unaware that there are underlying difficulties.
Rant over!

[AlleyCat]

It's great that you're able to reflect on your own experiences as a child to help you understand your son. Your mother probably just doesn't think about what a negative impact various things she said to you must have had on your confidence- you're right, it was ridiculous of her to blame a five year old for being left handed. When I think back to various things which were said to me by my parents (and sometimes my sister) when I was a child, I realise how damaging they were to my confidence and self esteem. Unfortunately, from what you've said about your mother I'm really not sure that she will be more understanding of you if you write her a letter, but at least your husband's family accept you for who you are.

[Clare]

This does sound familiar! My parents knew I had dyspraxia but they seemed to respond more favourably to my sister whom is three years younger than me.

In things like piano and swimming, she caught up with me. Also, my Mum says I should try to stir or cut something the original way when it is easier my way. It will probably come out better when I do it my way.