nobody understands how i feel

[electric_blue101]

hi there, i just stumbled accross this forum on google and this is my first post. i'm a twenty year old female who was assessed for dyspraxia as a child, however, was never given a formal diagnosis. i am now studying occupational therapy at uni and the more i read about it, i am certain i have dyspraxia.

through my time at school, although i had a fairly large group of friends and overall a fairly good experience, i struggled with sports a lot, and was often laughed at by my peers for my clumsiness and lack of hand-eye coordination, as i got older i found doing PE an absolute humiliation and refused to participate. i also felt that teachers singled me out for this which made e feel even more upset and self consious.

i never struggled academically at school and left with seven highers although, i found concentration and basic organisation skills an ongoing struggle, often unable to prioritise what to study for, as ridiculous as this sounds - getting lost on the way to classes and i found it impossible to concentrate with any distractions whatsoever surrounding me. i also often came accross as distracted or "ditsy". i'm not sure how to even explain this but a lot of teachers said to my parents, that my work started off really strong at the start, however, the quality of my work decreased as time went on.

i never felt that i had any real problems socially. when i was younger, i was very quiet and socially awkward and felt that i always said the wrong things in social situations, however, by the time i reached about 14/15, even though i often felt quite anxious, i was often described as "bubbly" and "outgoing". however, as i often have difficulty organising my thoughts, i was sometimes told that i came across as distracted and had been told that i did things like breathe heavily, fidget and blink a lot when i was deep in thought, this is something that i still feel very self consious about. i was teased about this when i was younger.

i am now halfway through a degree in occupational therapy and feel that i'm finding increasingly hard to cope. when i was on placement, i recieved feedback that i disrupted people's conversations, appeared distracted/disinterested, my body language suggested i was not listening and that i came accross very anxious. i have felt very anxious throughout my last three placements and feel that my anxiety makes it even harder for me to concentrate and retain information. i always feel that i am running about last minute with everything and missing deadlines and on placement and in my part-time job, i have recieved feedback that i work too slowly.

about a year ago, i was referred for a six-week block of councelling within my uni. my councellor was very supportive and i felt that it really helped but sometimes i feel it's difficult to articulate my thoughts. i didn't tell my parents about this as they are quite dismissive about my problems, saying that "i'm smart and did well at school", however, they often get annoyed with me for running late with coursework, general clumsiness such as spilling drinks constantly and knocking things over around the house. i spoke to them about the concerns i had on placement however, they accused me of "not applying myself". i mention to a few of my close friends about attending councelling, however, some of them (although they didn't come out and say it) gave off the impression that they didn't feel i needed councelling as "i always come accross as happy and bubbly" however, i feel that this is a facade/coping mechanism to hide how anxious and insecure i really feel.

this semester at uni, i completed a full-time placement while working weekends, on top of coursework. i found this an absolute nightmare and felt that i was constantly breaking down in tears and just felt really overwhelmed by everything. i also felt really anxious which was affecting my concentration/ability to retain information which greatly affected my performance on placement. i tried to talk to my (now ex) boyfriend about this but all he could say was "yeah, you'll be fine", "it'll be worth it in the end", "you're really smart so you'll be fine" - although these sound like words of encouragement, i felt he was being really dismissive. i also felt that he was very patronising of me at times, telling me to "keep my voice down" (i sometimes have difficulty controlling the volume of my voice) and (i don't know how to really explain this) when we were walking he'd put his arm round me but would guide me about, like pushing me back when someone wanted past.

i am now attending CBT. i've only been for three sessions but i don't know if it's helping. i feel like i'm falling behind on uni work and stuggling to cope with the demands of my course. i've been experiencing low mood for the past three months, crying a lot, especially in the mornings and feeling really frustrated and like i can't do anything right. i feel so angry at myself all the time and feel that none of my close friends or family understand.

does anyone else feel the same way? x

[Osymandus]

YEs ... i suspect everyone with Dyspraxia at sometime has felt exactly that way . Your in one of the best places to be tested though . Speak to your councilor and ask to be tested by the Educational psychologist you will have at Uni.
Also if CBT isnt working let them know (i had it , it dosnt work for everyone and therapy is about what works for you ).

We know whats going on so your not alone ;-)

[electric_blue101]

thanks you sound like you have a good knowledge of councelling. i think it may take a few more sessions of CBT but i just feel that a lot of it is pretty common sense stuff. as i'm studying OT, we've done a module on CBT and i thought it'd be helpful to apply to myself, it's just that my councellor keep using examples of assignments when talking about anxiety, however, this is definetly not the route of my anxiety!

although i'm not sure that my uni does have an educational psychologist. there is a disablity service within the uni which i have been to before, however, i didn't find this helpful in the slightest, they were like "we can get you a scribe" or offered me "extra time in exams", neither of which i need. one of my friends who is dyslexic found the service useful, however, i don't feel they'd be of any benefit to me. i spoke to them about re-assessment but they said it was difficult to assess someone of my age for dyspraxia. do you think i'd be able to get an assessment through my GP?

it's just frustrating feeling that nobody understands what your going through and feeling that others percieve you as weird. i find it frustrating that i can't even convey how i feel to my friends or family x

[Tom fod]

Hi

Welcome to the forums. You really aren't alone in how you feel and I did see many parallells with my own experiences. I had some CBT sessions myself early last year but while I find I can put it into practice I've usually spiralled down to a unnecessarily bad place before I can kick it in.

I also tend to take criticism a little (well maybe a lot) too much to heart. I'm perfectly capable of heaping scorn upon myself! I also very much identify with the feeling of putting on a front while inside I'm very scared. I think while I was able to grow a tough exterior skin a lot of the jibes and over harsh criticism I've suffered are still very much with me at times.

It seems that Dyspraxia 'diagnosis' and help is most easily available for children of school age but there is a lack of assistance and recognition for people once they get beyond that age.

Hope you can find the information you need here.

Tom

[electric_blue101]

thanks so much tom :-), it's really reassuring to know that i'm not the only one experiencing these problems.

the main problem i have with CBT is the sort of "brutal honesty" of things. for example, my councellor often says "you don't seem like you're listening to me", making reference to my non-verbal communication, this, as you'll probably know is a result of feeling overwhelmed. she'll also make remarks about the speed and volume of my speech which i often find hurtful, i think due to people passing comment on it in the past. i do realise though the purpose of CBT is to promote "realistic thinking" and make people aware of their behaviours.

it's good to feel that i'm not alone though, thanks x

[AlleyCat]

I think I'd be firing the CBT counsellor if it were me! Whilst I appreciate that the aim of the therapy is to get you to take a realistic look at your behaviour, it isn't realistic to expect you to be able to just go and change symptoms which are a direct consequence of you having dyspraxia. Having problems paying attention, as well as having speech that is hesitant/slow or loud are all common symptoms of dyspraxia. One of the things which has really p£$$3d me off about co-workers is that I've been told not to interrupt or speak so loudly; the most irritating thing about some of the people who've said it is that they've known I have dyspraxia, but haven't bothered to educate themselves about it, so end up criticising me for things I can't really help doing. I'm not sure exactly what it is that causes people with dyspraxia to have speech problems, but in the case of speed and clarity it's probably to do with the pathways in the brain not being the best ones, which would cause messages to take longer to travel from brain to mouth. Where volume of speech is concerned, I read somewhere recently that it's due to people with dyspraxia having problems with controlling the flow of air required (I also have a theory that it's linked to vestibular problems making it more difficult for us to tell how loudly we're speaking).

Where University is concerned, I wouldn't accept them fobbing you off. The assessment I did (through a psychologist I was referred to by Disability Services, although I had to pay for the assessment myself) was the WAIS (Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale). If you took that, you should get a clear profile of your strengths and weaknesses, which would indicate to a psychologist if you have dyspraxia. It worries me that you say you've been criticised on placement for things which directly relate to your dyspraxia, which is the main reason why I think you need a formal assessment. Once you've had an assessment, it's essential that Disability Services liaises with tutors from your University department to ensure that your needs are met- from my own experiences, it is also vital that staff on your placements make allowances for you having dyspraxia. For them to make allowances, your University tutors (with the support of disability services) would need to inform them that you have dyspraxia, what the issues are and what they can do to support you.

[Osymandus]

Alleyvats spot on , i was tested via the WAIS (at the grand age of 33 ) and Universities must provide you with assistance. And should be prepared especially to handle educational disabilities .

Thanks , CBT didn't work for me (i already think in those terms any way ) , and the councilor sounds like a bit of an arse