HELP with 15yr old Son

[super5spursfans]

Hi Everyone, I've never posted on a forum before and I'd really like some help and advise from you all.

My wonderful son is 15yrs old and has Dyspraxia, Dyslexia and verbal tics (he makes little noises under his breath when he is stressed). He struggles hugely at school and I have had to fight for 3 years to get the SEN teacher as well as the other teachers to recognise his learning problems. To speak to him one to one he's very smart, but academic wise he just can't do it. However, all that aside I'm concerned about his inability to tolerate other people even his siblings at times. I, wrongly, shouted at him for yet again not doing homework, this lead to huge row and he hasn't spoken to any of us in the house for 2 days now. All his life he has NEVER said sorry for anything and whilst his dad and I can talk to him in a calm way, I'm worried for his future relationships he may have with a wife/girlfriend.

Am I just being over bearing mum? My husband and I do make huge allowances for him but at the same time push him to do things for himself. Unfortunately for him, he has 2 parents that do things at 100mph and are very tidy, this causes rows in the house and pressures of day to day living we forget about his condition and I am racked with guilt and I get upset. I don't want to drive my son away and I also worry that he won't open up to me sometimes and looks so down and depressed at times, but other times he has the most wicked sense of humour and is the most loving caring son anyone could ever wish for.

I know being 15 isn't easy at the best of times but with this on top I am worried.

Thanks for listening to me x

[capbiker]

Hi Everyone, I've never posted on a forum before and I'd really like some help and advise from you all.

My wonderful son is 15yrs old and has Dyspraxia, Dyslexia and verbal tics (he makes little noises under his breath when he is stressed). He struggles hugely at school and I have had to fight for 3 years to get the SEN teacher as well as the other teachers to recognise his learning problems. To speak to him one to one he's very smart, but academic wise he just can't do it. However, all that aside I'm concerned about his inability to tolerate other people even his siblings at times. I, wrongly, shouted at him for yet again not doing homework, this lead to huge row and he hasn't spoken to any of us in the house for 2 days now. All his life he has NEVER said sorry for anything and whilst his dad and I can talk to him in a calm way, I'm worried for his future relationships he may have with a wife/girlfriend.

Am I just being over bearing mum? My husband and I do make huge allowances for him but at the same time push him to do things for himself. Unfortunately for him, he has 2 parents that do things at 100mph and are very tidy, this causes rows in the house and pressures of day to day living we forget about his condition and I am racked with guilt and I get upset. I don't want to drive my son away and I also worry that he won't open up to me sometimes and looks so down and depressed at times, but other times he has the most wicked sense of humour and is the most loving caring son anyone could ever wish for.

I know being 15 isn't easy at the best of times but with this on top I am worried.

Thanks for listening to me x

I do think that most parents with disabled children can be over bearing and protective of their children. Stuff has happened this week at work, that has hit me for six. They want to take things further etc, but because I know how they react I do not tell them things, or if I do not how badly it effects me. This comes from a 33 year old child, who still lives at home. (Because it is more comfortable, and cheaper to do so and I will never be leaving home and following my parents to where ever they go).

One thing that might help you guys, is to look for family counselling. The type of thing you need is where there is one counsellor for you and your husband. And another one for your son. They will work with you, to work through the issues that you have and hopefully over time make you more open to each other.

The problem I know that I find, at times is that I do stuff that I think is ok. But to others, it has crossed the boundary of something being accepted. I might go too far without knowing, and once I do. I do not know how I can turn it around and come back to say sorry. Other times, I find it hard to get out what I want to say, easily or in such away that another person understand. There is times, when I think what is the point in saying anything and I do nothing about it.

At times, I find it easier if the other person makes the first move and lets me gauge how best to move forward. You might have to be the one, to make all the moves but just try to talk to your son. Something simple as hello, how is your day etc. He needs to learn to trust you again, because he might feel that you don't and what the point if you do not believe everything that he says.

cap

[Tom fod]

Trying to put myself back into my mindset of how I felt when I was 15 (22 yrs ago nearly) I'm sure everything is overwhelming for him. Theres a whole multitude of things to try and reconcile including being comfortable or finding a way to be comfortable with your lot especially with the pace of life and the mixed and insistent messages in society of how things 'should' be. I guess in a lot of respects you have to give him space and time to find his own way while being there to support him when he needs/wants that.

I would urge you to be as understanding as you can and also to be as open and encouraging so that he feels he can try and talk through his concerns. I think finding him a mentor would be positive step but realise finding the right person could be quite another challenge. While I can't really abide competitive sport myself I think some sort of club where he could get out and socialise with others of his age is also something to be encouraged, but not forced.

As for relationships it's a difficult one, I distinctly remember my mother voicing the fear/opinion that I would never find anyone and sadly those words do haunt me still sometimes. While I still desperately want/need to find a partner I have some great and close female friends.

I know you are doing your best (and wish my parents could have asked on here rather than dragging out me to see a multitude of different 'Doctors and 'specialists'.) but I guess I realise they are/were doing the best they could/knew/know/could find.

I hope my words are of some comfort and help and that you are able to extract a few ideas for avenues you might want to try to encourage/explore. Do try to recognise the young adult in him and be honest. All the best.

Tom

++++++++++++++

Cap - Try not to be ashamed of still being at home. I still am too. By rights living in Forest I should marry a close relative or something 8-) Must apologise for my sense of humour but it sort of keeps me sane!

[alice3rd]

Hello,
Well I'm only 18 do I have a somewhat fresher memory of what being 15 is like !
About the being depressed, that could be many things, it's unlikely to be you !
My advise to you would be to take a step back, yes you've shouted him but there will be times in his life when he will
Be shouted at by other in is life ! If when he is in a mood and you pussy foot around him this may annoy him
More, by just backing right off your giving him Time to deal with his anger ! I used to argue with my parents all the time !
As with regards to teachers Ive had my fair share of plain ignorant teachers, I still have one ! I pulled through and passed all my GCSE's when push came to shove ! At his age I was very unmotivated, the best route for teachers is to give positive motivators as in if homework
Is done you can get a treat as apose to if its not done you will get detention !
I'm also dyslexic by the way !
Is he happy at school ? Does he have understanding friends ? X

[meow]

I think you should give him some time to deal with how he feels and his anger. A lot of the time when I'd get upset my parents would keep trying to come and see me to talk things out but I really wanted to be left on my own.

School was really hard for me. I never received any help for dyspraxia. Most of the people I have spoken to have stated that they never received help which makes me feel like more awareness should be raised in schools and training should be given to teachers, if it hasn't been already. How is he finding school in other aspects? I think I was a bit augmentative to my parents when I was home because I had horrible days in school and was bullied a lot

[scouseandrew]

Hey
One thing that comes with dyspraxia in my experience is an incredible amount of stuborness. I found when I was growing up having suffered with epilepsy previously as well. I did struggle to relate to people. It also meant I didn't like letting people know how I felt and tended to ignore during arguments. I guess at the time I felt that showing feelings like that was a little bit weak. Nobody else really ever seemed to around me and when they do let off steam they forget 5 seconds later, so why I was letting this get to me. I guess if I ignored it hurt less and allowed me to focus on something else rather than acknowledge the problem.

Academically however I do differ from your son as a dypsraxic. I have a 2:1 degree now in History and Politics and came in the top 15 in my year when I finished my GCSEs. I got a laptop word processor to help with my work and I took to it. I'm hoping eventually to go into teaching and currently volunteer in a school. Year 10 and 11 where big turning points for me academically, because I was just average before this time. But their is an awful lot of work involved and this time really isn't easy. The set date nature of the course work and exams make this time very daunting and stressful, so their might be a lot going on with the GCSE work right now which hasn't helped with the argument. All I can say is give him space and maybe try and move on from the argument then go back to it, but this will really depend on your son. But this stuff will likely happen again until this time is over with the GCSEs.