My Boyfriend Has Dyspraxia

[LadyAbbie]

Hello everyone!

I'm new here & I feel so glad to have found this place!! My boyfriend is 34 & has dyspraxia. I'm 31 & we've been together for nearly a year now. We're very in love with each other & he's absolutely wonderful - he does have an amazing insight into my feelings at times. Having done some research I have found that such strong empathy is one of the positives that dyspraxia brings. Also, he had a lot of trouble passing his driving test which he took 8 times - it's something I admire greatly & am so proud of his determination to keep going wih it & never giving up.

But I also feel very guilty too.......there have been communication problems recently & so I have been doing some digging around today. There are times that have been very frustrating for us both; sometimes he seems to be distant with me, like in conversation he may come across as bored with me, uninterested in what I am talking to him about, easily distracted - this was incredibly tough when we first met & I didn't know about his condition. Sometimes, it will feel like I have little emotional support because he will seem distant or like he's very deep in thought about anything else except for what I am talking about. He's very talkative which is wonderful because we have such amazing conversations at times but then I feel like I'm doing all the listening & he's doing all the talking which can be very tiring at times. Also there have been times when I've been talking, he'll interrupt me & then carry on for about 10 minutes talking about something totally unrelated. He has asked me to touch his arm if he is interrupting me or anyone else whilst I'm there. He says that his ex used to tell him off for it but I don't think she was very supportive at all & didn't link it with the dyspraxia. He gets frustrated at times especially if I am getting frustrated either with myself or with something he has said.

I feel absolutely awful for, what must seem like, moaning/nagging/ungratefulness about my boyfriend & our relationship. I love him so very much - I really hope that I will be with him for the rest of my life because he gets me like no-one else does. He has an brilliant sense of humour &, at times, he can be very affectionate & is able to express his feelings towards me wonderfully. We have a very strong bond as we started out as friends & I have always tried my best to understand him. I accept the person he is & the traits that he has, it's just difficult sometimes especially as I suffer with depression so there are times when his distance can feel really hurtful & I can feel incredibly alone.

I really hope that I can find solace, comfort & help here so I can be the best girlfriend I can be to him. I want to understand & learn as much as I can so that I can be supportive instead of dealing with it in the wrong way.

Thanks everyone!

[LadyAbbie]

Would be really nice to hear anyone's thoughts about my post?

[Catwoman42]

I'm sorry no one has posted. I hate to generalise, but many posts on here are about the lack of relationships and how difficult it is for dyspraxics to initiate/sustain relationships. You sound like you are doing fine as you are. Read up on the subject and support him. My b/f is very supportive. I think our relationship has lasted because he works long hours and we don't see each other a lot. Works for me! I get bored with relationships very quickly, but that may just be a me thing...

[Evasura]

I also think that reading around the forum, you will find out about what things he finds difficult, so it will help you understand and support him. Just being so understanding and caring that you've checked up the forum to find how you can support him is ace.

[LadyAbbie]

Thanks guys for replying to me

I will definitely take your advice & read through as much as I can on here

Thanks again

[Jpowls]

The stuff about talking really fast, interrupting you and going on and on sounds like me!

[joy]

Thats because he will have Attention Deficit Disorder if he has been diagnosed properly he should have been told this, this is why we have a short attention span .I could be watching telly and my husband would come in and ask what happenened to whatever programme I was watching i wouldnt be able to tell because your mind is wandering elsewhere and are often thinking about something else.your boyfriend doesnt mean not to be interested he just wont be able to help himself.My son is also the same and we both have dyspraxia.My son at times if he made himself beans on toast he would put the plate in the bin and the empty tin in the washing up bowl or in the fridge because he doesnt pay attention. to what he is doing.Its a laugh a minute in our house.

[Carlton3]

Well Good to know that about My Boyfriend Has Dyspraxia, this is good discussion,
thanks to share with us....

[Cheetarah]

Hi LadyAbbie,

You're clearly doing your best to communicate with your boyfriend. There's no need to feel guilty or angry with yourself for struggling to make yourself understood and get his attention, or for being frustrated. You're making an effort to bridge the gap between you and him so you should feel proud of yourself. Not everyone has a much patience and kindness as you.

As Joy pointed out, he may have adhd on top of dyspraxia. That would mean he has problems concentrating. It's worth him telling a GP about his innattention, preferably with you as back up. ADHD has been diagnosed in adults in the US for years but is far less recognised in Britain. NHS doctors are notoriously dismissive of adult adhd but the more of us that come to them with these symptoms and this document herehttp://www.nice.org.uk/niceveryemedia/l ... /42059.pdf the better. Ask your boyfriend if he's got any old school reports to help convince the doctor his problems are life long . He should also write a list of everyday difficulties he has with innattention and organising his life, including listening to you. There's medication and behavioural therapy that can seriously improve attention and listening issues. To recieve it you need a diagnosis but if that isn''t possible there are many books about adhd and dyspraxia, with tips and strategies for dealing with them. Some are also for partners of people with these disabilities.

Thirdly, your boyfirend may also have difficulties with what's known as Central Auditory Processing Disorder. That means that while there's nothing wrong with his ears the part of the brain that makes sense of sound doesn't work very well. In a way I'd say dyspraxia affects all the senses. He may not hear while doing something else, so if he's in the middle of washing up for instance, get his attention first and get him to stop. He may also have trouble hearing one sound over another one and need to be in a quiet place to listen. Most importantly, when you speak make sure it's slow enough for his brain to make sense of the sounds and when you've finished what you have to say, pause for a few seconds so that there's time to process what you've said. You want him to hear every word, so you know what you said was understood as it's a bit like being hard of hearing. The hearing problems are on the inside of the head rather than the ear and strategies are like a hearing aid or loop. If they work, he'll want you to use them because it's important to him to hear every word you say.

Wishing you two all the best xx

[Cheetarah]

http://www.nice.org.uk/CG72

The link didn't work before so here's one, you can get the NICE guidelines for ADHD from here. If you print it out doctors are more likely to take what you say seriously.

[gettingtogrips]

Hello,

I get where you're coming from. My boyfriend has dyspraxia, and he's the best person I've ever met. But it can be very hard too.

Sometimes my man will look up in surprise if prompted to answer a question I just asked, and say in all innocence, "did you say something?" I''ll be half-way through a sentence and he'll say, "what?" and I'll have to start again. When you're interrupted mid-sentence, you totally lose your train of thought haha. And he constantly bumps into me! He gave me a good whack on the nose with a laptop once. Totally by accident of course, bad motor skills and all. But I have to put up with some bumps xD

I think of it like this: There are some men out there who genuinely don't listen because they aren't interested in what you're saying, or will interrupt because they don't think what you're saying is important. Some men hit their women on purpose. But my man is constantly working twice as hard as anyone else NOT to do these things that another man may intentionally do to belittle me. While other men disrespect their women, mine works every day to be, as he describes it, "normal".

I had a bit of a hard lesson last week. I was at his house, and the plan was to leave on the Friday. However, it was getting late, and I asked if I could stay another night and go home in the morning. He seemed less than thrilled but he wouldn't say anything. The more I asked if it would be ok, the quiter he got, curling up into a little ball and looking ashamed of himself. He eventually mumbled that he was planning to play video games tonight. I couldn't understand it. Admitting this to me was obviously distressing him; he could barely look at me. He must have known how bad it sounded. Why, then, was he still asking me to leave? Of course I told him I was hurt, and he reacted by having just short of a panic attack, convinced I was furious and I would leave him. It was only then that he told me the truth: that he tries so hard over the course of the week to cope with day to day activities, to keep up with others' conversations, to monitor his movements so he doesn't accidentally whack me 24/7, that it all becomes unbearable and he needs a night to let of steam. Video games take his mind off of things (something about the repetitive game play and mechanics of the game that allow him not to think for a while).

This really hit home, for the first time, how hard he works. But rather than hijack your post with my problems, let me draw the focus back to your predicament. From the outside, his behaviour may seem inconsiderate and hurtful, but he might need time to let off steam. Imagine having to keep your left arm incredibly tense whenever anyone else is around. As much as you enjoy being with people, as much as you love them, can you imagine the relief you would feel when you are alone and you can relax that arm? That's how my man describes it.

I hear that you feel alone. I'd suggest talking to him. As understanding as you feel you need to be, your feelings are still important. Share your feelings in a way that doesn't blame him; please remember that it isn't his fault. He might be able to explain his actions to you in a way that makes sense. At the very least, you can make sure that you are both being honest about your feelings, which is the only way to make sure your relationship stays happy, healthy and supportive to both your needs. Finally, please don't forget that YOU have needs too. If your man can't give you what you need 100% of the time, make sure you have family and friends who can. Make sure you have a good support network, because you deserve it

I hope my big rant helped. Good luck! x

[insanityjane]

you have no idea how much this has helped me, my boyfriend who has dyspraxia broke up with me due to a lot of stress he was under, however we are still talking about getting back together, your post taught me a lot more about his condition and I will take it into consideration and hopefully be a better girlfriend/friend to him. Thank you

[Cath]

I completely understand too and am so glad that there's somewhere to talk for people who live with people who have dyspraxia.
Whilst it's difficult for those who have, it's also difficult for partners. My wife was diagnosed when she was 50 and it made so much sense finally.

For her, lack of memory is a big issue. She also interupts in conversations like others have said and can only focus on one thing at a time - tells me she's listening whilst using her computer, but then looks up very blankly when I ask her a question about something I've just said. She struggles to organise things, struggles with other people's systems, finds opening packets/packaging difficult and also using things like the tin opener. On the other hand she's very sensitive to people's emotions, is able to use her left and right hand equally well, and has many other wonderful traits.

I've found the best way to live together is to sit and talk about it. I ask her how she needs things presented from a communication point of view. I ask what I can do to help make life easier for her and try to not get obviously frustrated, but at times it does all blow up. I ask her to stop doing whatever she's doing at the time as I'd like to speak with her (so she can concetrate).

I think the thing that's helped me the most is knowing that she can't help it. Her diagnosis made a huge difference to both of us. I never really thought she was trying to be difficult, but I couldn't understand why she couldn't just not behave the way she was.I now understand her behaviour better. I've also realised how difficult she finds it all too. So I try not to take things personally. That's not to say it works all the time

As someone else said on here, find support in friends and family. It's much easier then.
When I'm feeling good, I can cope with her dyspraxia much better.

Be kind to yourself and to him. Focus on the good things and all the things you love about your boyfriend - that helps too.

x

[JamesAnthony91]

I think if there is a disorder, people just tend to lump difficulties in with that. The truth is that he might just be that way, not because of Dyspraxia, but because that's just how some guys are. I'm not. I tend to be a great listener, and I know to concentrate on what another person's saying and respond to whatever topic is brought up. Also, I'm very surprised at all the symptoms of Dyspraxia being listed. I mean, for me, most symptoms relate mostly to my childhood, and I can even juggle now and drive. I guess I have trouble paying attention sometimes, in a way. With important stuff I tend to focus better than others, and can outcompete people without Dyspraxia at SO many things(I'm competitive, that's probably what helped me a lot.) My handwriting is seriously not that great either, better than my teens, but not the best. My short term(not long term, my long term recall has always been amazing) memory was bad as a teen and all, but I have no problem with remembering new information. I have had bad break ups over the years, but mostly because I was depressed for a few years and sometimes spent too much time lifting at the gym after work. I learned that I just prefer being single and having flings, I hate having to make room in my life for other people, and any friends I have get that I am the type who needs his space, so, that isn't related to Dyspraxia. An ex did compare me to this character called Archer though, saying that despite being cute, I'm oblivious to people. Sometimes I wonder if it's more that guys with Dyspraxia show aspie traits, and aspie thinking has been described as an "extreme" form of male brain thinking, as in overly focused in certain areas and not emotionally expressive. I'm not sure it's fair to blame Dyspraxia on relationship problems, I think we all have problems once in a while. Communication is key. Just tell him that he interrupts you sometimes and you just want to know he cares enough to listen. If he takes that badly, then...Idk.

[Jim]

It was only then that he told me the truth: that he tries so hard over the course of the week to cope with day to day activities, to keep up with others' conversations, to monitor his movements so he doesn't accidentally whack me 24/7, that it all becomes unbearable and he needs a night to let of steam. Video games take his mind off of things (something about the repetitive game play and mechanics of the game that allow him not to think for a while).

This really hit home, for the first time, how hard he works. But rather than hijack your post with my problems, let me draw the focus back to your predicament. From the outside, his behaviour may seem inconsiderate and hurtful, but he might need time to let off steam. Imagine having to keep your left arm incredibly tense whenever anyone else is around. As much as you enjoy being with people, as much as you love them, can you imagine the relief you would feel when you are alone and you can relax that arm? That's how my man describes it.

That was a pretty good point and elegantly put.

What people unaware of dyspraxia generally don't appreciate is that it takes a massive effort for a dyspraxic to contain their 'quirks'. If you know you have very genuine struggles with balance, coordination, concentration, speech or whatever then your insight leads to a very conscious effort to minimise the impact of those symptoms both for your own ability to function and for your interaction with others.

People don't realise or understand that a dyspraxic brain is working, twice, thrice often even more times as hard to cope with the little everyday things that most other people take for granted.

Quite simply it is exhausting, and after a day long of a over-sensory battering where you've made extensive efforts to override your functional difficulties you just need a bit of peace and quiet... and in the nicest possible way for everything else to shut the heck up.

People unaware of dyspraxia probably think they're being very tolerant of a person whom to them seems to be a bit of an oddball, but many won't realise that the dyspraxic is having to tolerate both themself and other people's reaction to them.