Loner by choice, is it that bizarre?

[Bear_ate_my_coffee]

Do you peoples have many friends? Do wish to have more friends? Do you prefer isolation to socialization? Do you think your Dyspraxia affects your social life? If you are a bit of recluse is it because circumstance or by choice?

I'm curious- well about lots of things but especially about the 'social factor' of society, well it's been on my mind a bit recently.

Where is this topic going? Well some where I hope.

I am what people would call a loner *looks at thesaurus*, recluse, hermit, outsider.

Now the whole by circumstance or by choice question. I like being alone most of time which makes me think me being a loner is by choice. However I have some circumstances which could of lead to my loner-ish ways: my weirdness (which can scare some people ), my lack of tact (I can forget to sugar coat things sometimes), my inability to understand or relate to people, lack of shared interests with most of my peers and maybe even dyspraxia.
When it all comes down to it I still believe it's by choice maybe even choice due to circumstances, but still choice.

Generally it considered abnormal or mentally unhealthy to not socialize. I'm not sure where I stand with this. I wouldn't like to be completely isolated from the outside world but is it really unhealthy to be isolate if the person is happy that way? Does it depend on the person whether it is health or not?

I'm sorry if I'm being confusing or I'm jumping or over the place with what I'm saying.

What I want to know is what other people views are on socialization, I want know what other dyspraxia people views are.

I know that other Neuro diverse condition can cause social impairment can dyspraxia? Do you think dyspraxia affects your social life are views on socialization? Are there any more loners here? By choice or circumstance?

Okay I know this topic doesn't really have any point and I need to stop over think things but can people please reply.

[jme]

Firstly, I think individual difference is very important!!!

From what I understand some people with dyspraxia are socially quite competent whereas on others might have such severe problems socialising, understanding and relating to others, that they have an additional diagnosis of aspergers. I have mild cerebral palsy and although I am quite "unco", I don’t have any problems with socialising … so in other words I’m not answering from a "true Dyspraxic" perspective as such!

I also am aware that at different stages of life people can go through periods where socialising and meeting new people is very hard. For example a lot of young adults find the transition from school to university socially challenging and often they take a long time to meet new friends. This is more common than you may realise!!

Interestingly, research has shown over and over again that in general, happier people tend to have a fulfilling social life. Of course, there are always exceptions!! From a personal point of view I think most people need a sense of belonging and benefit from being a part of a social world (whatever that may be). I also value having balance – I enjoy personal space but I also enjoy interacting with friends. Humans have evolved into highly social beings! I know some researchers in the area of self-esteem who believe that feeling included and being accepted by others has a significant impact on self-esteem. Also, it’s quality not quantity. Having a lot of ‘friends’ is not necessarily as satisfying as having one or two close friends. On the other hand, if none of this makes any difference to you, and you are happier not being a social creature - then enjoy Everyone is unique.

edit: I just noticed your quote!

"I suppose society is wonderfully delightful. To be in it is merely a bore. But to be out of it simply a tragedy."
the play: A Woman of No Importance by Oscar Wilde

[Walltowall]

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[Daniel]

I've got the impression from a number of dyspraxics that they tend to have a limited tolerance for social situations or like to limit the nature of social interactions - perhaps such as only meeting one or two people at a time, as more becomes difficult. I think a fulfilling social life can vary greatly from one person the next. Personally speaking I like to spend some time with other people, but I'm not a great one for socialising a lot, and I'm definitely happier over a quite pint with good company than going to any mass social events - clubs etc.

[Greg]

I've got to agree with that. I can't deal with clubs, or even pubs if it's too noisy/there are too many people. When it's just me and a handfull of friends (or a smaller number of new people) I have a really good time though :) I'm glad I get a lot of opportunities to socialise, I'd go mad(der) without company.

[nick]

i have to say that overall i'm happier when i'm socially more active but it does not come without a certain amount of effort. i'm reluctant to socialize and it takes a commitment from myself to do it. i have had periods in my life when i've been an almost total recluse but i've never been happy like that. i have often envied people who had been able to cut themselves off from others and have appeared to be happy. i appologize for what i'm about to say in advance and it is only my opion at this particular time and is subject to change. however, i dont beleive that people are really happier living a life seperate from others, being with other people and feeling accepted is such a large part of being a human being and an important NEED! on the other hand, not feeling accepted and feeling different from others can be so painfull that withdrawl from that painful stimuli can bring a great sence of releif and pleasure, which can also become addictive.

i feel that i've become addicted to that aviondant behaviour in the past, especially when i found myself in prison, and have only recently found the drive and belief in my self to proritize relationships and having a social life.

so i'm sorry if i've offended any one, and it is only my opinion, but i am very okay with it. to put it another way, it is not fondness of my own company that i have craved and still do, but the aviodance of the difficulties associated with socialising with others and the feelings that come about as a consequence of that.

[monkey]

i am also a loner by choice. i prefer to be by myself. and i find nearly all social interactions fustrating and confusing. i do have freinds and most weeks make myself go to a wednesday night youth group to see them, but when im there i spend most of my time hiding form all of the people. the good thing about the youth graoup i go to is that there are three other dyspraxic's and many with different learning disorders, like dyslexia, ADHD and aspergers syndrome. there are also heeps with mental health problems. i think the diversity is good. it helps to be aorund people with simila diffiucltys. but even so im usaly exasted from it very quickly and hide somewhere where i dont think any one will try and talk to me. i dont think taht its bizzah at all. infact i often consdier giving up on all socialising all together, including on here and DT. but as i live with my parents who presure me to socialise more, so that i can learn how to do it (mum says i have to learn befor ten years is up becuase her and dad are movinig away and i will have to stay behind) it is very difficulty to do that. mum says that with out practice i wont learn. but i dont want to learn. and i also dont think that my social skills are as bad as some people make out. but to answer teh qustion im also a loner by chioce (with excetptions to most wednesdya nights) and i dont think it is bizzah at all.

[arthmelow]

I used to find all social interactions confusing, sometimes painful. I even find it very difficult to get my own mother to understand what I am saying.

It has got a lot better this year. Living with people, in particular extroverted people essentially forces you to have a social life. Having friends and family visit and getting them to meet people you know is now just a matter of course for me. I still get very worried that I'll say something socially inappropiate ( and I often do ). However, because the peer pressure to drink alcohol has subsidisded ( except from family ), being round "merry" people often helps because it puts me on a level footing with the current company.

I still find certain things difficult, but my compensation skills are a lot better than they used to. I now can hug someone if they're crying ( or reach out a hand, or something ), and work out other people's point of view ( in a slightly more acedemic sense than normal, but its workable ). I can understand that people will never take your own view as impartial, so if you need to protect yourself against a manipulative person it is better to just be yourself and focus on emotions rather than trying to be impartial otherwise people assume you are guilty ( well that's my experience anyway ).

I've also found that little things like a good haircut and a pretty top means you "relax" strangers: essential where I have to deal with the public like in my part time job. People assume unkempt appearance = unkempt personality so getting past that hurdle is a good start.
Also with strangers, learning about some "neutral" topics like football or random celebrities seems to put people at ease. People seem to take that as a "ok this person is human and normal" rather than looking into what you say about said topic normally.

[david456]

I do prefer my own company alot of the time, but I do like to have people around me to talk to at times, otherwise I feel isolated. The trouble is I struggle to read body language and I worry too much what other people think of me, especially women.
I think life would be depressing for me, If I was on my own, I get fed up when I'm on my own for too long, as who do you talk to?

[Bungle]

It's funny, when i was at school i was a true outsider and trying to get along with the other kids was about as frustrating as banging my head on the wall! But nowadays, I have absolutely no problem with being social with the majority of people (3 day benders help friends blend sometimes lol). I'm always quiet at first but as soon as you get me locked in a conversation, people never leave me alone afterwards for some reason!

[Philip]

I only have a few friends, I had quite a few more friends when I was in school but since leaving school in 2000, but by chance sometimes we do see each other in the street now and again,

Work colleagues can get a bit tricky sometimes espically ex-colleagues after I do not really like to mixed it.

I would prefer to keep work-colleagues and outside work sometimes separate

I sometimes feel that my dyspraxia sometimes affect my social life. I cannot stand loud music, clubs and even pubs where it is too noisy. I feel very uncomferable in one or two pubs when I been with parents, this could be the area etc -

I find meeting new people sometimes a bit scared - I am too quiet, espically on the first day at a new company, it sometimes takes me a while to talk to people.

My interests could seem a bit weird to some people

My sister does not always understand this and sometimes she does not mean to but once or twice has rubbed in my face that she has more friends than me espically on my PC, she has started to use one of the things on her mobile now to reduced from hurting me and saved anything else on her own laptop - 'I think she is starting to realise this now'

My parents sometimes get concered but at least there do not have to worry at night since I do not go out

Sorry for my rant

[James]

I don't think it's strange - I'm not particulary happy with the amount of friends I have but then again I do know that the friends I have now tend to be the people who've stuck by me, so they're the best ones I could ask for. I don't think wanting to be on your own most of the time or being a "loner" is strange - some people enjoy it, some people don't. Maybe it's not the norm, but is there such a thing as the norm where we're concerned anyway?

[Dani]

I find it hard to make new friends. I find it hard because I hate eye contact and I get nervous if someone gives me attention. I go very red and embarrassed, I start jumbling up my words and everything just seems so amplified and focussed on me..

I'd love to have loads of friends. people who are into the kinds of things I am and that who understand me and why I am the way I am.

Recently I had quite a bad time with ex-college friends not replying to texts etc and it affected my self esteem negativly. I invited ten people out for my birthday and only one turned up. This can make me needy and then any old person does for a friend because then I can't choose someone who is similar to me and then the whole circle starts all over again! They dump me or feel that I've dumped them somehow..

One of my earliest school reports that I can remember ( I was about seven years old) notes that I tended to wait for people to come up to me instead of me making the first move. Its been like that for as long as I can remember - I'm 34. Its hard work.

I have one solid mate from years back who has dyslexia and she is just so sociable, and she doesn't understand why I'm so lonely. She's not into the same things that I am though and that has an impact on what film I wanna go see or if i want to go to a gig.

Keeping friends is hard work for me. I'm not very consistant and people think bad things about me because of this and I've lost a few friends that way. Another negative on my self esteem.

There are loads of things that I would like to do but I'm getting tired of doing them on my own and being a single parent means I don't always have the time or funds to go out places. Its something I'd very much like to change. It also has an impact on forming relationships with the opposite sex and dating because its virtually non existant! I've had guys who are interested in me saying things like "what can be so wrong with you that no-one likes you enough to snap you up".. which is not nice to hear.

Day to day my personality can change in regard to whether I'm feeling chatty and outgoing or lonely and introverted.. its doing my head in! I have good days and bad days. Some days I ignore people, other days I'll fuss over the same people. Makes them confused too!

One reason I signed up here is so that I feel I can talk openly about how I'm coping with having dyspraxia because I don't know anyone else with it and I have many questions because I've just been diagnosed with it and I always used to think it was a serious mental health problem and not because its who I am. Very sad!

My two boys also have dyspraxia. The eldest one (15) is introverted and quite happy to spend weeks staying in playing his xbox etc, has no real mates, and my youngest son (7) is the opposite - very sociable and always making new friends. One extreme to the other.

[FREEFALL]

with mine, i like to go out but not too often, i like meeting new people but i cannot abide large groups of children parties, the school gate. in these large swarming numbers they just do me head in. well right notw i feel more conftable writing this in silence than being with my family downstairs, sometimes i dispair but it's how i am

[BetaBox]

I sat here reading the posts and can identify so much.

- I like going out but in small numbers. Im more of a listener than a talker I enjoy hearing about the things people are up to. However if its a topic im into, then its hard for me to stop talking.

- I need time alone, I live in a flat with 4 others and im lucky to have a study. Its my place. I can sit and spend all day on the internet listening to music.

- What's really odd is I like online gaming, mmo's particularly. I like the social aspect.