Dyspraxia and sex

[helier]

Hi everyone,

I’m the (non-dyspraxic) boyfriend of girl with dyspraxia. We’ve been together nearly four years and are very happy.

We both find each other very attractive, that’s not in doubt, but we go through regular periods of ‘stuttering’ in our sex life, which bothers me slightly.

For context, she (let’s call her ‘Annie’) is my first serious relationship and I’m her second. I had very little sexual experience prior to meeting her and I love exploring that side of myself with her in a way that I couldn’t fully before. A very long and unhappy period being single has meant that I am still prone to low self-esteem occasionally, although being with Annie has kept this very much occasional, I’m happy to say. It’s also only fair to point out that (possibly as a result of forced singledom), I’ve got a lower sex drive than her.

Recently we’ve taken an enforced break from sex for a while (long story short, Annie has a painful long-term leg problem which flared up recently after not manifesting for many years), but after some medical treatment, Annie is now better and we’re trying to get ourselves back into the habit.

I’m realising though, that there are things that make this really hard for me. For example, her eyes frequently wander during foreplay, which sends out a huge message to me that she’s not engaged in what I’m doing. She also doesn’t have much control over her facial expressions, which means that often when I glance at her to see if she’s enjoying it, she often looks bored, even though she’ll say she’s having a good time. I know this isn’t within her control, and doesn’t accurately reflect her mental state, but it’s a massive knock to my (still slightly fragile) self esteem when someone I love and want to excite simply doesn’t look happy.

Also (and I don’t know if or how far this is related to the dyspraxia), she needs to eat by 8pm or she gets severe stomach pains. She also needs to be in bed and (preferably) asleep by 11pm or she’s exhausted the following day. Jokingly we refer to this as the ‘window of opportunity’. She’s told me that she’d like me to be more assertive, spontaneous and passionate, and it may well be true that I’m too much the ‘sensitive’ lover. However, I’ve felt that having a specific 2 hour-ish window every evening in which to initiate sex is a massive hindrance to being ‘spontaneous’ – in my head it feels ‘scheduled’ and I know that in the past we’ve had great sex at other times than this, often later.

I know that I’m very lucky to have Annie. I don’t want to sound ungrateful to have her in my life. I know that I want her to stay with me forever – and that she feels the same about me. I also don’t want to sound like I’m coming here for general relationship advice.

You might also be wondering ‘why aren’t I just asking her?’, which is entirely fair. Annie, however, has had a LOT of problems in the past because of her dyspraxia. One school refused to teach her altogether, and, sadly, a number of people in her working and personal life have simply judged her to be ‘stupid’ in the past. I’m scared that telling her that her dyspraxia might be getting in the way of our sex life would break her apart. I gather (from her) that dyspraxics are particularly prone to depression, so, without walking on eggshells, I’m very careful about what aspects of her behaviour I (as a non-dyspraxic) feel the need to talk about – given her past experiences she can be sensitive about any problems that arise from her dyspraxia.

What I’m asking is whether there are any dyspraxic women out there with non-dyspraxic partners who might have advice as to how best I can deal with this without upsetting her? Also I’d be interested to hear from any guys who have been in a similar position to me and what worked for them.

In short, I love her, she loves me and we are very happy – I just want to make sure that I deal with this in the right way for her. If there is a previous thread that you think I would be better off following then don't hesistate to recommend and I apologise in advance if this seems to be going over 'old ground'.

Thank you for your time.

[Tom fod]

Hi there as a dysprxic bloke muself. I'm inclined to say that our minds are always busy not necessarily with task in mind and this often happens at the most inopportune of times and that can come across as being distant to others. Of course we would be mortified people were getting such vibes but we can't always help or understand the signals we give out to others because its pretty much an unconscious thing.

I admire that you're obviously caring and think that counts for so much. Maybe you could agree to vary intimate times.sort of like fire drill something will happen today could be anytime. Our regimented lives can make such activities difficult but I'm sure you know when she's receptive.

Can't confess to be an expert as tbh I'm not experienced in this field so can only hope what I've written makes sense/can go some way to help.

All the best

Tom

[Catwoman42]

Thanks for caring enough to ask. My mind wanders at critical moments too, but it is an unconscious thing. It is not a criticism of you or your technique. I don't have regimented meal times, but when I have to eat, I have to eat.

You don't always have to have sex at night...

[raisin girl]

As a woman, the first thing I would say to you about your girlfriend (and I'd say this to any man, with regard to any woman, dyspraxic or not) is don't get too hung up on her reactions. It's really great that men are getting wise to the fact that women enjoy sex and deserve to enjoy sex as much as men (about time too!) but the most offputting thing for a woman during sex is a man fixated on "doing it right" and anxiously monitoring your every twitch/breath/expression for signs of enjoyment/non-enjoyment. I'm not saying grab at me like a kid with a box of play-dough but don't let performance-anxiety sap the pleasure out of it. The fact is, women's bodies ARE less self-explanatory, demonstrative and quick to orgasm than men's - we're casserole, not cup-a-soup. It takes time and patience to know what works. We know and accept that and we don't expect instant fireworks - neither should you. A great game with no score is still a great game, and not screaming like a pornstar on Ecstacy at your every slight of hand doesn't mean someone doesn't fancy you rotten. As for your specific complaint, I think a lot of people, dyspraxic and non-dyspraxic, have a less-than-sexy expression when they're concentrating very hard on something. I can see why it might relate to dyspraxia (my first said something similar to me about the look on my face, you've made me chuckle and cringe alike recalling it...) but then again, it might not. 'Scuse my mixed metaphors; hope this helps!

[londoncatlover]

It's realy great that you love your girlfriend a lot and care enough to ask advice about this tricky sbject.
As a women I can say that i love my boyfriend a lot but a lot of the time I am not quite in the moment when we are lovemaking.
In the beginning when we first met I made a huge effort to act with my facial expressions but a lot of the time I was actualley daydreaming about finneshing the washing up etc. Now that we have been together for 5 years i don't feel the need to act as I am comfortable with him seeing the real me.I do find foreplay a bit boring with all my previous boyfriends aswell. It's becuase on the womens side we don't have to do much just relax and wait, it's so easy for the mind to wander because the body isn't doing much.
Also I am very sensitive to touch and my boyfriend doesn't realise that what he thinks is giving me pleasure is actually hurting me.
I prefer the sponteniuos kind of love making, in the kitchen by suprise etc as i don't have to concentrate too hard, It's also more exiting that way.
Whatever you do ,don't mentan it to her, it will make her more consious of the fact that she is doing it and give her a complex. Instead work together to find new techniques. Iv'e always preferred self stimulation during the actual er 'deed'.

[DSA Tutor Aileen]

I think this is the funniest thing I have ever read in my life!

Thought comments back were all totally true.

Expressions on my face????? Doesn't anyone have sex in the dark any more?

Maybe it is worth working our way back to the modesty stand.

Aileen

[mattyjacko]

funny thing is, sex is one thing I don't find difficult (probably all the porn i watch). As I am very affectionate and passionate I find it easy to be close to people and as it is a one on one situation (usually) with someone i am comfortable with i find it easier than most things.

My problem with sex is that the more i get the more i want, i am so sensitive and over affectionate I often seemed like i only wanted sex. this was not true I did love my girlfriend and i did care about her and want to do other stuff besides from sex, but whenever we did anything (like watch tv or cook or go out) my mind would wander to thinking about how pretty and loverly she was and then onto sex. Whenever i was at home i fantasised a lot and couldnt wait to have sex with her next. This was a few years ago and i have since matured a lot and learned to control my sex drive and my feelings and i understand girls a lot better now. I used to feel bad when my girlfriend didnt want to be sexual and felt really hurt and unloved by it. I understand now that womens sex drive is more complex then mens. Men seem to have a set sex drive that doesnt change much from one time to the next, so a guy with a medium sex drive will always prefer sex for example twice a week whether they are happy or sad stressed or relaxed. Wheras a girls libido can vary form 'If you even hint at sex I am going to cut your head off' to 'if you don't do me now i think i might die'. So you have to get a feel for your girlfriends highs, lows and general level of sexualness and assess when the best situations to initiate sex are. Also i find that different people react to bad/good days in different and it seems the oposite ways.

In my experience when girls have a good day and are happy and happy with you they are much more into sex, they are more affectionate and open to sexual things, more flirty and actually initiate sex. When they have a bad day it affects their whole mentality. The steriotypical 'i am not in the mood' is usually heard. Wheras men (and definately I) seem to see their love life and their work or other activities as completely seperate and so bad or good things happening are inconsequential to whether they will want sex or not. If i had a terrible day at college, i had gotten up late been told off by a teacher, forgotten to do homework and fallen off my bike, as soon as a was with my girlfriend all of that went away and the bad things had no impact on our relationship, wheras if she had had a similar day she would be unable to shake it off and be in a mood all night and get stressed at me

In my relationship it was a struggle sometimes because when she was down or in a mood she just wanted to be left alone and nothing you could do could cheer her up and she was just incapable of affection (or being nice to me at all) if there were things in her life that were bothering her. I would always want to cheer her up and be really affectionate towards her because that is how i would be wanted to be treat. She would see this as me not caring about her feelings and just wanting my own satisfaction. Also i find depressed emo girls a huge turn on so that didn't help.

The thing i was the most frustrated about was how girls can seemingly just decide that they are not in the mood and not going to have sex and get angry at you if you are flirty even if it is hours after they said they were not in the mood. It is something i don't really understand. Does anyone else have experience of this and are there any girls that can verify that you do this and maybe explain your feelings when you do this.

[lauraECFan]

perhaps you could try different positions. My ex (the non dyspraxic) would refuse any positions other than missionary and eventually I could not even feel him in me so my mind often wandered to other things. My fiance (also the non dyspraxic) now is willing to try other positions and it puts a bit of excitement in our sex life.