Dyspraxic issues for women in relationships?

[amelie]

I am lucky to have a long term boyfriend who has loved me though thick and thin but I would be lying if I said that me and my behaviour has not been frustrating for him over the years and led to some very difficult times and bust ups. Of course some of our issues are those that any couple might have but in light of my recent diagnosis I see now that my dyspraxia has affected my relationship in various ways.
Obviously time keeping is a big one, I have zero perception of time and am always late. I don't do this intentionally and am always sorry but it does seem very disrespectful to the person left waiting for you. My forgetfulness and poor organisational skills impact on this as quite often I'm running late due to not having done things right earlier in the day. My appearance has also been an issue. I am just plain scruffy, messy hair, creased clothing, scuffed shoes, odd socks, toothpaste and food drips on my clothes the list is endless. I have always felt that other women, normal women are a breed apart from me, that they have some secret that I missed out on. I try to look groomed but I can't straighten my hair or apply nail varnish or mascara without looking like a clown and I can't wear jewellery or fancy clothes because I am very sensitive to things touching my skin and always end up taking rings and earrings off it's so uncomfortable. Sometimes I know my boyfriend wishes I looked more presentable and polished and I feel sorry for him having a scruffy girlfriend when most women seem so glam these days! One time I accidentally bust a vitamin pill and squirted it's content on my face which was an orange liquid. I was running late to meet him and thought I had got it all off. I had not and arrived at our date with one side of my face stained orange. He was very angry and I think I was lucky that he didn't dump me then.
I am not great is social situations like parties, weddings etc as I find them overstimulating. I know that people in his family think I am stuck up, unfriendly, aloof etc and it's not true it's just I feel so anxious and uncomfortable in groups of more than 4 or 5. I also tend to be very sensitive to things like lights, alcohol, loud music, perfume, smoke etc and get migraines. I don't drink and don't like clubs and pubs and so while other guys he was friends with socialise down the pub with their wives we don't (although I have never stopped him going alone and have tried a few times). I just don't fit in with them.
However I think that my dyspraxic personality is a good match for him, he is a pretty quiet guy and I've known other people to refer to him as dull but he isn't he's just quiet and stoic. I had dated louder, party people in the past but they were always too much for me, too stimulating so I think that my need for peace and subtlety in a relationship has given him the space he needs to express himself in his own terms when other women might have dominated him.
I do make still make him angry at times but out of all my family and friends he has been the most supportive since my diagnosis and has been cutting me a little more slack while I try to figure this all out! Still sometimes I wonder why he puts up with me!

Does any of this ring true to the other dyspraxic ladies out there or to the men who love them?

P.S. I have also wondered that when I was younger even though I was a mess, I was actually prettyish but I never had any attention from men. At the time I thought I must be hidious but now I realise that I just couldn't tell when a guy liked me, the odd time a guy asked me out I used to freak out and usually just ignore him it always took me by surprise. Obviously part of it was my dislike of socialising and drinking but I think that some guys must just have been interested and just gave up when I didn't respond to their flickers of interest. Now not a problem for me as I have been with my lovely boyfriend for many years now (set up by a mutual friend) but just mentioning as this same issue could well affect other single dyspraxics? Also bear in mind that the low self esteem that goes alone with dyspraxia might affect your perception of yourself as well i.e. assuming nobody could fancy you and so on.

[dyspraxicgirl]

Hi, I have no boyfriend and had none in the past so I cannot relate to everything you have said but I have the same issues as you when you say :

Obviously time keeping is a big one, I have zero perception of time and am always late.

I am always early, very early. You may think that it's no big deal but it is. Especially since I have a strange behaviour when I have an appointment, even with my friends.
"Hi, we have an appointment tomorrow at 4pm right ?" "We see each other at 4pm right ?" "Just to be sure I am not mistaken : the appointment is at 4pm, right ?"

I also try to get details to imagine and plan what will happen.
And then I arrive one hour early and people tell me that they feel bad because I am always waiting for them. Even my colleagues hate this.

My appearance has also been an issue. I am just plain scruffy, messy hair, creased clothing, scuffed shoes, odd socks, toothpaste and food drips on my clothes the list is endless. I have always felt that other women, normal women are a breed apart from me, that they have some secret that I missed out on. I try to look groomed but I can't straighten my hair or apply nail varnish or mascara without looking like a clown and I can't wear jewellery or fancy clothes because I am very sensitive to things touching my skin and always end up taking rings and earrings off it's so uncomfortable. Sometimes I know my boyfriend wishes I looked more presentable and polished and I feel sorry for him having a scruffy girlfriend when most women seem so glam these days!

I understand how you feel. Though I have only flirted with man who did not care about that, I know that my hair are messy and that I have no sense of fashion, etc. I am trying hard to be more feminine but I always make a faux pas.

I cannot wear make up because I feel like I am looking at a stranger in the mirror, even if I wear almost nothing, and mascara makes me look like a panda.
I have sensory issues too so I highly dislike clothes that are too tight (and sometimes those that are too loose) therefore I really do not look "good", I end up wearing unflattering things or flattering things I am trying to get rid of all day long.
I can't wear earrings because of an allergy and I dislike most jewellery because it's uncomfortable and cold.

But I do not understand your boyfriend, some girls are tomboy or just do not look very sophisticated... well, even those who are very feminine usually end up with an outrageous look. If he loves you and has always known you as the messy girl you look like, why does he care ? I mean, sure, we have preferences, but we have to make compromises, and if it is just because he feels bad when people are looking at you too, it's quite superficial.
I also do not understand why he was angry because you had not wash all of the orange liquid, things like that happen !

I am not great is social situations like parties, weddings etc as I find them overstimulating. I know that people in his family think I am stuck up, unfriendly, aloof etc and it's not true it's just I feel so anxious and uncomfortable in groups of more than 4 or 5. I also tend to be very sensitive to things like lights, alcohol, loud music, perfume, smoke etc and get migraines. I don't drink and don't like clubs and pubs and so while other guys he was friends with socialise down the pub with their wives we don't (although I have never stopped him going alone and have tried a few times). I just don't fit in with them.

Same issue here.

I cannot really interract with more than one person, I do not drink alcohol and have sensory issues which lead to migraines. Light, bright colours, perfume, smoke, noises, loud music, most people would say "it's a great party" and I'd only be sitting in the corner or walking in circle trying to get rid of that before having a migraine. Socializing is exhausting and I get a migraine when I try too much. I do not even fit in family dinners.

P.S. I have also wondered that when I was younger even though I was a mess, I was actually prettyish but I never had any attention from men. At the time I thought I must be hidious but now I realise that I just couldn't tell when a guy liked me, the odd time a guy asked me out I used to freak out and usually just ignore him it always took me by surprise. Obviously part of it was my dislike of socialising and drinking but I think that some guys must just have been interested and just gave up when I didn't respond to their flickers of interest. Now not a problem for me as I have been with my lovely boyfriend for many years now (set up by a mutual friend) but just mentioning as this same issue could well affect other single dyspraxics? Also bear in mind that the low self esteem that goes alone with dyspraxia might affect your perception of yourself as well i.e. assuming nobody could fancy you and so on.

Same issue again. I do not really have low self esteem anymore though I have my "depressed day" like everyone. However, I fail to see when someone is interested by me, it gets worse when someone tried to flirt by talking about something I like because I start a monologue and frighten them because I did not even thought they were trying to show me that they were interested in me.

I do not understand or use body language properly. Over the years, I have learned about it, at least some theorical facts, but I still manage to be blind to it.

I mean, I am not even able to see that a man is about to kiss me.

(Plus, I take ages to respond to a kiss and had to ask how I was supposed to do that.).


I do not know if it is common, I do not have real advice to give you but what I can tell you is that people who are in love with someone with a disability have to learn and be supportive. We also have to learn, it can be hard for both of us ("normal people" and dyspraxics) but there are things that will not really change.

From what you've said, I think that he really loves you but feel overwhelmed sometimes because of your dyspraxia and the efforts he has to make in this relationship and he may not see that you make them too because most people just think that we are "not even trying".

[agsiul]

Oh God. I have to go to a wedding soon. My mother is a bit of a cow and loves to wind me up. Am practicing how not to get wound up. I hate weddings....such a long day. Exhausting and there is nothing like having to be nice all day that is completely exhausting!

[meow]

I am always early. I freak out about being late too much.

I always get food down my clothes all the time, toothpaste all over my face, I can't brush my hair properly and sometimes put clothes on backwards (most of the time notice before I walk out of the door). I can't put make up on properly but wear it anyway. I am constantly hurting my boyfriend because I am so clumsy and I can't talk to his friends because I'm awful with people I don't know very well.

[lelly1980]

Hi
I am looking for a bit of advice on how to cope with my boyfriend. He has not been tested for or diagnosed with dyspraxia but everything i read on here fits in with his behaviour. Some days he can be nice as anything but others i just dont want to be around him. He has a jekyll and hyde type personality which changes with no warning. I think most of it is due to anger. He wont go anywhere with me and doesnt like to do anything i suggest, i have been invited to numerous weddings/parties which i have had to go to on my own and i find this so hard to understand. I jump at the chance to go anywhere but he just likes to sit in the house or go round his only friends house. Ive noticed that on the rare occasions we do go out he gets edgy and as soon as we finish our food and drink he wants to go immediately. He never fully relaxes even in the house and always fidgits, he is also a terrible sleeper and gets up several times a night. He is not a social person and takes an instant disklike/like to people without giving them a chance. I try to help understand the situation but i dont know what else i can do?

[agsiul]

Hi
I am looking for a bit of advice on how to cope with my boyfriend. He has not been tested for or diagnosed with dyspraxia but everything i read on here fits in with his behaviour. Some days he can be nice as anything but others i just dont want to be around him. He has a jekyll and hyde type personality which changes with no warning. I think most of it is due to anger.

This may be the case but there is no excuse for taking out his shite on you. My sister has ME. she had unreal mood swings and I was living with her at the time. She took out her ire on me and eventually I couldn't take it any more. My family of course blamed me....said that they knew it would never have worked (because I'm so selfish and selfcentred!)....my father acutally told me that I didn't love them because I wouldn't let them abuse me.

I can completely understnad him not wanting to go to awedding. I hate weddings but you have to go. I just slip off during the day and have a break a few times during the day and then slip off at maybe 12:30/1:00. I don't like to dance either so unless I know a lot of people at the wedding I just end up killing time until I can escape. Parties can be tough going if you don't know people because you have to make small talk but you could make a deal that if you both go that you'll stay for a certain amount of time. Sometimes I go to things and I meet someone really interesting and end up talking for ages. can I ask how you met him? maybe you could do something that you are both intersted in.

I like going for meals because I can hear what people are saying. Of course there is the danger that'll I'll spill something on myself but taht's a chance we'll have to take! Its not like I'll have to look at it if I do...they will! If I have to stand up in a pub I'm wrecked in no time. You might want to look at other kinds of things to do that could be done during the day especially if he is a poor sleeper. I tend not to go to the pub if I can avoid it because I can't figure out what anyone is saying. I like to go to the cinema if it is a talky talky movie or animation because the noise level stays at the same pitch. Action movies are too loud because they have the sound turned up really high so that you can hear the talking. Hate them. I'm a bit of a wan for staying at home or going to people's houses as well because it means thta the noise level is manageable, I can leave when I'm tired and I can hear what people are saying. I'm not a good sleeper either so I hate breaking my routine. When I do that I'm totally out of it Monday because I havent' slept right. Maybe that is his problem with going out out. People think I'm totally boring I'm sure but I don't care becaseu I'd rather go to the theathre and see a play or a show or a comedian or something. I hate being penned in in seats so i try to book a seat that will leave me with space in front or behind me. I hate being in a middle row with people behind, beside and in front of me.

He is not a social person and takes an instant disklike/like to people without giving them a chance.

I use to do that when I was a kid but I think it was from listening to my mother finding fault with people all the time, low self-esteem I'm sure. I got out of the habit and gave people a chance. I'm a very good judge of character and can read people very quickly. I'll know if I'll like them or not and I don't suffere fools gladly. It's something that requires a lot of effort though and if he will not make the effort it is difficult to see how you can help.

One thing you might be able to do is have a few dinner-type parties in your house. You could have finger food so that you don't need to organise a sitdown meal. Then people are more casual and will sit down and just chat. He might have troulbe hearing people as well so it's a good environment because you can just have 3 or 4 people to start off with. You could have something like a DVD night in the house where a few people come and you organise the pop-corn, etc. That can be fun but people talk to the movie so get soemthing you can slag off or something you've seen already. Sometimes I just can't be arsed to do anything and if someone say rings me at 9:00 asking me to meet them I'll make some excuse. I'd rather snuggle up in my pjs. I'd much rather meet people for lunch so maybe you could do more stuff during the day and then just go to the parties with soneone else. I love travelling so would much rather travel than spend the night in the pub drinking. I'm sorry....comptelely useless message as I didn't really give you any suggestions. the others with be much better I'm sure. I'll keep thinking though. A bookclub maybe?

[jen d]

Hi I have been married for 21 years but although we are still together I would not say it has been easy and I think that my dsypraxia has been at the root of much of it.

Timekeeping has also been a problem but the most issues have been about doing routine tasks and he does not really understand what the issue is and thinks I am lazy. In recent years he has really done all the household tasks which is good in some ways. However, I dont think he always does it wilingly and often brings these things up when we are arguing about something else. Also it actually makes me feel even worse than I did before in that I feel guilty about not pulling my weight and means I have actually got worse doing these tasks when I need to. Having said that, he has shown a lot more patience that many men would have done.