My dyspraxic boyfriend

[tigerlily]

First off, I apologise to the mods if this breaks any rules! I’ve tried to keep it as PG rated as possible! This is meant very sincerely as I couldn’t find anywhere else where this had been discussed in any great detail (except for a couple of cringe-worthy paragraphs in Mary Colley’s book Living With Dyspraxia).

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 months now and the other day I was teasing him about not kissing me often enough when he admitted he found kissing really difficult because of his dyspraxia: holding his breath, coordinating all his movements, etc.. I was really struck by this since it hadn’t even crossed my mind that his dyspraxia would affect something like that. When he explained why I was very sympathetic and told him that I genuinely hadn’t realised. And now that I think of it, it would explain, at least partially, a lot of other things- like how he avoids certain sexual activities because he’s said he’s worried about “not being any good” despite the fact he gives me a lot of pleasure in other ways (which he knows as I tell him frequently).

I realise I need to talk with him about this and I do intend to. I just wondered if anyone else who finds such things difficult had figured out any strategies/tricks for overcoming this. Does your dyspraxia affect your sex life? And if so, what would you want your partner to do to help both of you to work around it?

I really care about him and don’t mind being really patient. While I’m not dyspraxic myself I am dyslexic so I know how frustrating an ND condition can be and how it can affect areas of your life you rather wish it didn’t! His dyspraxia is a beautiful part of who he is and in many other ways I think it probably enhances our sex life and our relationship, for instance he’s incredibly attentive, and absolutely loves constant affectionate touching and being touched (I know some dyspraxics can really dislike this but it’s kind of the opposite for him). There are lots of things I already realised were caused by his dyspraxia, like I know if he’s done something to upset me I have to explicitly tell him because he can’t read body language very well, I know why he refuses to dance with me and I know where all his many many ticklish spots are . For some reason it just never occurred to me this would be something (on top of all the general drama couples can run into in the bedroom) that could potentially cause issues.

I’d really appreciate any thoughts on the matter.
x x

[jos0803]

mmm thinks
my boyfriend is dyspraxic and dyslexic
and im just dyspraxia , the thing about him as he is an great rugby player , can play pool really well and is level 6 on the guitar so i struggle to see the physical dyspraxia in him sometimes. Saying that my problems are mostly verbal.
I think things like kissing may just take longer for a dyspraxic , i can see where hes coming from remebering to breath , where to tilt your head ect can be alot to think of at once while enjoying it. Practice makes perfect in my opinion which is good for you

[Creative]

I don't like being touched when I'm upset about something. I find if difficult anyway but it is worse if I am tired or upset. If your boyfriend feels the same then don't take it personally. It's nothing do to with him not wanting you.

[Icarus]

I've never thought about dyspraxia affecting kissing either .__.
It's just been easy for me. But I may be doing it wrong.

[raisin girl]

First of all, thank you so much for posting this. The dyspraxia and sex issue is something I've been thinking about quite a lot recently. I'm a mid-20s dyspraxic female with a pretty abysmal romantic track record by most standards. This is mainly due to years of falling in love with unavailable people and being unable to move on rather than anything specifically to do with my dyspraxia, but when I have had sexual experiences I've either been drunk or the person has been someone with very low expectations. I can remember reading that piece you mention in Mary Colley's book a few years ago after I was diagnosed. It's cringeworthy and unhelpful I agree (it reads like something out of an awful sex manual from the '70s) but it was the first time it occurred to me that, yes, sex might be an issue.

I can relate to your boyfriend's anxiety about not wanting to perform certain sexual activities in case he shows himself up. I am not in the least prudish about sex and theoretically there's nothing in the world I wouldn't do to please a partner, but in practice I do feel constrained by my lack of coordination and body awareness, which makes me worry about getting things wrong and not trust my instincts. I can imagine it's even more difficult for dyspraxic men because the intimate areas of a woman's body are more delicate and, shall we say, a lot more complex in terms of what's needed to make things happen. It's all very well wanting someone to "have a go" or assuring them that "attitude is more important than tecnique" but that's little compensation when your partner's moans and groans are of the pained variety rather than of pleasure (or at worst, they're down at A&E with an awkward injury...)

In terms of advice...first off, I'd say you are already far better off than most in that you understand and support your boyfriend, and you mention that he is able to pleasure you in many ways (I'm sure even on a bad day he's given you more pleasure than many non-dyspraxic men ever give to women...). Secondly, I think the most important thing for any couple, dyspraxic or not, is that you both know your own bodies and are familiar with what you like (if you don't know what gets you going, how do you expect anyone else to figure it out?). Thirdly...compromise is a good idea. Perhaps if you want to try something and the boy isn't keen, suggest a way to make it easier, suggest an equally-sexy alternative, or build up to it in stages. That way you're getting him to experiment as best he can without making it seem embarrassing or forced, and gradually he should become more confident. The feeling of trust that you get as a dyspraxic person when someone encouragingly but patiently talks you through something (sexual or non-sexual) which you feel reluctant to do is a mega-aphrodisiac.

As for the kissing...softly and slowly is the key. I think it'll always be a weird sensation to me but if both parties do it gently rather than going in there like a pair of over-zealous golden retrievers, it's much more pleasant. The first few guys I kissed were of the golden-retriever variety, and one guy told me I was too fast at it. The next time I slowed right down and the guy told me, in a good way, he hadn't had a kiss like it for years. Practice does indeed make perfect.

[Magic_Lemur]

As a Dyspraxic Boyfriend, I've had issues with kissing, With my ex it was OK, but my last GF it was really awkward. I guess it's one of those things that is better done when your not thinking about it.

Not being Vain/ crude, but I find it doesn't affect much else aside from making me more pent up. I had an ex who was dyspraxic & the tension she constantly had made things better & more enjoyable in a way.

Still, it would be nice to be more emotionally empathetic at times...

[littlemissbump14]

I am full of sympathy for your boyfriend! Also, thanks for posting this, I've been wondering about it myself but was too shy to start a thread...

I'm dyspraxic and don't have a great track record on the relationship front. I can get a guy, bu can never keep them. I'm not sure whether it's me or dyspraxia but at the end of the day I can't change either, so just move on and hope that I find the right guy in time...

Sex is really difficult. There is an awful lot of co-ordination, and rythm involved. I'm bad at those skills, then there's reading body language etc. Nightmare! I feel like I don't enjoy it as much as my partner (or indeed friends from what they've said) and I think it's simply because I have to concentrate so damned hard! Unless, he does all the work and I just lie there but a)thats less fun and b) I then feel guilty!

Any suggestions anyone? Also, how do people find best to explain this to people? Boyfriends in the past have never quite 'got' it. And I think they wanted to, so maybe I've not been explaining the issue very well...
I haven't read the book you have mentionned, but by the sounds of it there is little point...
x

[Osymandus]

As a Dyspraxic boyfriends myself (and dyslexia ) basiclly you have to relax , take your time , if he can make an action reflex and not worry about it it will happen . Start off small , build up , tell him what yo like (even more then normally partners) none of this hints game (yet ) .

COnverstations like this need to happen more , sounds weird but as adults we need to talk about this so good topic :d

[agsiul]

I have a question. It's a bit weird. I found out that the fact that I have had a tilted pelvis for years seemingly because of sever period pains & weak lower back muscles makes the whole process painful. Does anyone else have this problem and if they have any advice I'd really apprechiate it?

[dyspraxicgirl]

I've never thought about dyspraxia affecting kissing either .__.
It's just been easy for me. But I may be doing it wrong.

Well, we are all different. I have troubles with kissing just like her boyfriend, I actually had to ask how to do it and it takes me time to react when someone kisses me (plus I do not really enjoy it). But that's just like some dyspraxics are able to ride a bicycle but cannot tie their shoelaces, etc.

[Alice]

Relatedly (though not entirely, I'm to shy to start a thread on this)

Does anyone have hypersensitivity problems? and is it an issue in terms of getting up to stuff? I don't mean to be crude by asking, but the worry about sensory overload is one of my major hang ups.

[Osymandus]

Relatedly (though not entirely, I'm to shy to start a thread on this)

Does anyone have hypersensitivity problems? and is it an issue in terms of getting up to stuff? I don't mean to be crude by asking, but the worry about sensory overload is one of my major hang ups.

It's a very good question and something that does need looking at , remember those of use with under sensativity as well .

[GeekGirl]

Please tell your boyfriend not to worry!

I am in my forties and only just found out that I have been dyspraxic all my life. When I was growing up there wasn't a word to describe my differences - I was just a clumsy, accident prone nerd. Nevertheless I have always had great intimate relationships with both males and females and the key is trust. People always worry about performance, whether you have a neuro-diversity or not. Know what you want from each other, communicate it and keep communicating and just relax. Its supposed to be fun and if I have ever done something clumsy or uncoordinated with someone we have just laughed about it and carried on. The best thing to do is not to get hung up on the dyspraxia and just remember you are human and none of us are perfect, we are just different.

[lostintranslations]

thankyou so much for this i really thought i was weird and not normal but thats a huge weight of my chest having a reason why so thankyou