Last week I resigned from my job which I'd started back in September of 2018. I screwed up royally with regard to dyspraxia related mistakes (mostly with the computer system). I thought seriously about resigning in October and November, at the height of my humiliation but I did not. By the end of November and beginning of December, I'd reached the point of no return--my boss had written me off and decided she wasn't going to give me any more work (I'm an independent contractor) and I was beyond the point of no return. I stayed anyway, and kept trying. In Feb my boss decided to pressure me into doing work for which I am not paid, and at this point my dyspraxic challenged ego decided that my goal was to stand up for myself and to tell her no. So I did. She tried ,as usual, to bully me and shame me into doing the work, i.e. a sort of 'penance' if you will for having made so many mistakes in the early months of my employment at the agency but I held firm and refused. She laid it on the line, and I resigned.
Well, today was my last day and I was actually glad I hadn't resigned last autumn because if I'd resigned prior to having learned from my mistakes and prior to having mastered the computer system, that's exactly what would have stuck in my mind--that is, that I would have in effect had fled the situation in a cowardly manner. Instead I learned from my mistakes, mastered the system, and resigned for a different reason.
I quit for two reasons: one, is that she had held those mistakes against me forever, despite the fact that I'd learned from them and corrected them. Secondly, that I had allowed her to bully me in the past because I felt so inadequate due to my dyspraxic self. But in having risen above the difficulties I have with learning new things straight away due to dyspraxia, I still wasn't good enough for her. I should add the professional skills for which I had ostensibly been hired were never, in my opinion, the issue. I 've been doing this work for decades, and one thing I am confident in is that my professional skills are impeccable.
What she was holding against me was mistakes that I was brave and courageous enough to stick with, and to have risen above. And what she was holding against me is my unwillingness to allow her to further exploit and bully me. I was no longer enabling her to **** on my leg and tell me it was raining.
So at the end of the day, it's not I who am a bad employee, but she who is a bad supervisor. I was able to walk out of there today with my head held high, and feeling good about myself and about my decision, and secure in my identity as a good clinician, and with certainty about her deficits as a supervisor. This job challenged me in every conceivable way that I've ever been challenged, or perhaps 'assaulted' is a better word, for being dyspraxic. I can't help being dyspraxic, I don't know how or why that happened organically but I do know that it hasn't been an easy life dealing with this, ( particularly in the US) but as in the past, I haven't just turned and fled, as instinct begs. I stuck with this, worked hard, swallowed my pride, and rose above. The failure of this relationship ( for which all of my clients are suffering, because, by the way, they all like me and expressed today that they feel they accomplished a great deal with me and are sorry to see me go) is not due to my dyspraxic challenges, but rather are the result of my boss's poor supervisory skills and even worse, the contents of her deficient character.
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