trying to help my dyspraxic brother

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poachedegg
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trying to help my dyspraxic brother

Postby poachedegg » Wed Dec 14, 2016 12:49 am

I'm concerned about my brother who is 23 and was diagnosed as a child with dyspraxia and ADHD. He still lives with my parents and despite being 23 tends to behave like a typical teenager stereotype. He can have huge mood swings where he is almost hyper, to deep dark moods where he will be un motivated almost listless and very grumpy. This is especially true if he has drunk alcohol the night before. He is often in debt for petty amounts of cash, is on job seekers allowance which gets spent on cannabis or other party drugs in the first week then he "borrows" from our elderly parents and the cycle continues. What is frustrating is that when he is having his good times he is motivated, really happy and nice and funny but those times are getting less and less it seems. He worked as a mountain bike courier and a shop assistant and a labourer in the past but because of his difficulties often gets labeled as , lazy or slow or incompetent. he hasn't disclosed his conditions in the past. I really worry that he won't ever be able to work , move out or have a girlfriend, things I take for granted. What's most worrying is he cannot seem to see his actions or life path from the outside. For instance this weekend he didnt attend work experience myself and he had arranged for him, partly because he was hungover, then he lied, saying it was cancelled, then when suggesting a different activity reacted by being purposefully hurtful and defending himself by saying "if I want to sit in bed watching telly all day I will" . he appears to have no urgency to alter any of these patterns and has an almost complete lack of empathy for the people he is affecting.

Does anyone here have any advice ? Are these patterns likely to change naturally with age? Does anyone here sympathise with what my brother is going through?

Tom fod
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Re: trying to help my dyspraxic brother

Postby Tom fod » Thu Dec 15, 2016 9:12 am

It would be all too easy to judge but that isn't likely to help this situation and I don't know your brother. Disclosing is all well and good if an employer is willing to understand your version of dyspraxia and will work with you to help you become a useful employee.

I'm sure deep down your brother has the same concerns but uses alcohol and other drugs to temporarily dismiss these worries. Finding ones feet is a long hard difficult process with many setbacks and dyspraxia and ADHD mean he will need to make a supreme effort. Comparing himself and being compared to his brother and others acts as a disincentive and make him feel worse about his situation. You no doubt have a better idea of what motivates him but the motivation needs to come from and be driven by himself. We could also suggest your parents refuse to lend him money but that is easier said than done and the old adage of you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink very much applies.

Anyway I suspect I'm rambling. I hope very much that you can glean something useful here. Keep up the encouragement and continue to be there for him though remember it is he who needs to be the main driver of any change.

All the best.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
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morgank82
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Re: trying to help my dyspraxic brother

Postby morgank82 » Thu Dec 15, 2016 11:00 am

Sounds to me your brother is trying to hide the fact he is less confident, or thinks he is not by drinking to ensure himself he is. In other words not shy of his thoughts or opinions cuz of dyspraxia every time drinking comes into play, he is hurting and in emotional distress cuz of being a critic inside his head it sounds like, or the three three negative inner talks in his thoughts; profectionist , critic , worrier. But u say he seems lacking empathy?
that's no good if he is climbing up more and more to that stage.

Cuz it's sounds that your brother took the worrying stage out , but still thinking about the other 2
Which can run into trouble if he had enough , breaking point to say. Cuz worrying is part of empathy. it's okay to worry but not over eceed and not deplete it, so u don't have any social path symptoms.

Try to involve situations activities, hikes,events and such that both can do well to succeed in, to build his confident's up with out thinking he needs to have super man juice to activate his social needs. Hope all goes better for u and your brother, cheers

Tom fod
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Re: trying to help my dyspraxic brother

Postby Tom fod » Thu Dec 15, 2016 9:12 pm

I think it is worth drawing out that we're often our own harshest critics and while we might sometimes appear hard or uncaring to some, inside we're privately very frightened and worried that we can never convince ourselves or others that we can be competent and will somehow mess up any chances we're given.

When you're at a low ebb, even fair criticism can feel magnified many times, especially if despite trying to follow instructions you can seemingly do no right in your own or others eyes.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

poachedegg
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Re: trying to help my dyspraxic brother

Postby poachedegg » Mon Dec 19, 2016 1:46 pm

Hi thanks for the replies,

a lot of what you have said makes sense. Reading back on my post it sounds that I think quite negatively towards my brother, that's not the case, it's more that I was trying to sympathise to better understand what he was feeling so your comments were useful especially about how one can respond to critisism. Well on a positive note, he's doing better now and seems to be investing in himself more now which is really nice to see.

Tom fod
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Re: trying to help my dyspraxic brother

Postby Tom fod » Tue Dec 20, 2016 1:16 am

You're welcome. If you didn't care you wd never have bothered to ask here. So thank you. Perceptions are just that and your motive was admirable.

If you decide it would be worth pointing him here to this site we can always remove this thread at some future point.

We guys, Dyspraxic or otherwise, are generally not good at admitting our weaknesses. Dyspraxia typucally means the words might still come out all wrong and we fear we will be misunderstood or met with derision or scorn.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

Mbn56
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Re: trying to help my dyspraxic brother

Postby Mbn56 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 5:21 pm

As a 24 year old with Dyspraxia, living at home, struggling tremendously with motivation, I can see where your brother is coming from. I wouldn't do drugs myself, but alcohol makes you feel normal for your age, convinces you you're having fun and that you have a life. Drugs the same, to some degree, I assume. However, alcohol just increases the depression.

Personally I feel better when I actually get out and accomplish something, but organising it and having the energy to leave the house and follow through on things is difficult and I stress over things 100% even when I shouldn't. The simplest tasks turn into major worries and have on occasion made me vomit, get migraines, lie in bed doing nothing all day or just react badly to the stress and want to give up and forget everything.

It's almost especially hard nowadays, I feel, jobs are difficult to get and while I have one I struggle with the stress and feel I lack support sometimes and I don't feel valued for all the extra work I put in. It can lead me to just wanting to give up and leave and try elsewhere, but then I feel I'm not good enough to work in most other places which is 100% not true.

Giving him some exciting reasons to leave the house, e.g. a trip somewhere, a concert or something fun might refresh his mood again as he'll feel something has been accomplished that he's pleased with and it might reboot his attitude for a while. Something, preferably, with no alcohol! Lowers the mood a ton.


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