A particular night

[shadowgirl021]

I know this is long, I am sorry, but I just want to know if I am over reacting to this member of staff was actually being manipulative. I was working nights last night and also was organising a drink out as I have been working their for a year

Him: Has this been ironed?
Me: No, not yet, but it belongs to male service user.
Him: (5 minutes later). You are folding the bed sheets all wrong.
Me: It doesn't matter, if anything is said tomorrow its on me anyway
(10 minutes later)
Me: Have you cleaned the kitchen cupboards
Him: Yes, why? what's wrong?
Me: There is a stain on it
Him: OMG, there is just a small stain on it, anyone would think it was really big, I know what you mean but next time you can not tell people that, if you want to make friends. You need to stop telling me what to do
Me: So its O.K for you to tell me what to do but I can not tell you?
Him: You need to stop telling me what to do, you are a dictator, Is anyone going to come in the morning and say the kitchen has not been cleaned, and if they are we can just say I am sorry, did not spot it.
Me: O.K so are you going to say sorry then if it has been spotted?
(It was cleaned but he went on about how to make friends with people, how he was going to tell his friend who works their the conservation we had and how I do not get jokes)

Then we went on about my event which I am organising.
Him: so how are you going to do this? Where are we going to go?
Me: Do not know really, just thought we would go here, and see from there.
Him: So are you going to buy everyone their drink?
Me: Someone asked me that as well, But what no! course not! They can but their own drink.
Him: My name, you can not do that
Then he went on about how I should buy the 1st round then buy their own, this way I would not be cheap.
Him: you do not have to take my advice, it is up to you , but I am going to go if I have to buy my own drink.
Me: O.K fair enough, hey well two of the people are in the morning, I could ask them, see what they say.
Him: My name, you cant do that, It would seem weird, you are weird. No-one would tell you the truth like I would. Think! you do not want to bring this on yourself.
This disagreement was spilt into two.

Last disagreement.
A service user was running up and down stairs as he wanted to do something but he was not allowed. He was not listening to me at all.
Him (male member of staff): You need to lock the kitchen and the outside door
Me: I will lock the kitchen door but I can not close the other door it is an emergency exit
Also said I have to close the outer conservatory door, which I did but not willingly.
Him: OMG, you need to think of safety, what happens if a neighbour comes in and steals the T.V and we are in the other room.
Me: No-one is going to steal the T.V
Him: you never know, You are weird, you need to think of safety
(later on)
Me: I am not giving that Service User a shower, for college, he has had 5 hours sleep and I did warn him if he comes down again I will not get him ready.
Him: (he agreed until later)
Me: I am still in two minds about getting him ready for college
Him: Why, we need to do our jobs.
Me: I know but I did warn him
Him: He gets treated like a child
Me: I know, which is why I think I should not give him ready. Take this female service user, use the method we use with her with him.
Him: You over explain a lot of things, you need to use simple sentences to explain things to service Users.
(that service user had a shower, but under my protest)

O.k is it me or is he being manipulative, annoying or am I over reacting?

[Jim]

It sounds like you work in a care home and have a similar job to me (or had).

There are two main types of people in this industry, those who work hard and those who let others do the hard work.

I know all too well what it's like working with people who like to dish out orders (over people whom they have no authority) but who struggle to take instruction or suggestion from others, they can really be quite obstructive at times.

I'm also used to people being liberal in "joking" and poking fun at others but deficient in tolerating the same behaviour when it's directed back at them.

I've had to tolerate people who'll stoop to dirty political tactics to get their own way or an advantage, but will complain about other people.

That person you describe in your dialogue sounds like a bit of a prat. Seems to enjoy feeling superior to other people yet largely ignorant of his own stupidity. Whether you want buy people a round of drinks or not is really none of his business, it's not his place to tell you what to do with your money and what seems to make him think he's some kind of authority on social function?

In your shoes, I'd be minded to tell him "please feel welcome to not turn up", although I suppose that could be seen as quite discriminatory.

[shadowgirl021]

Thank you for your reply, I did wonder if I was maybe overreacting.

At the beginning he was really helpful, and helped me when I really needed it but I bet he told other people about what happened. I think as time has gone by, he does his thing but if something is not quite "up to scratch" he will do something about it after sighing and saying I was constantly worried about staff reactions or getting fired. I say, you know one day you will be in charge of the shift and you will see how things are your fault even if you don't get told off for it, its still on you, but he didn't want to pay any attention.

I suppose what makes him social authority is the fact he has been their 6 months less then me and he has already made more friends then me and get himself a nice little social circle. He keeps telling me I am young (we are the same age) and I need to live my life. That I agree with, but then he says how I should make friends and asked me how I engage with people. He high 5's people as they enter and starts asking how they are and such. I smile, say hello or hey and pass on messages. He then said I do not understand jokes and just be less quieter. This is a recurring theme, I honestly do not know what gives people the right to tell me how to make friends and how many I should have. He said he has 30 but does not trust any of them. I said I had 4 and I trust each one of them with well maybe not my life but £1000,000

I do work in a care home, I love it and love the people which is why I am celebrating. We/they are pretty close knit, If he does not come, there is a chance he could get other people not to come as well, its a small chance but even so...

I think he is manipulative because he says all these things about staff and events, tells me not to say anything and then says we are close friends. I dont want to say he is a prat, because he does what is expected of him and he can be quite considerate and has helped me out quite a few times, I just think he is one of those people who enjoys winding people up. My brother is the same, and I do let the emotions get the better of me

I need to say sorry again for the long post and seemed to be quite self involved.

Did you not like working in care then? I guess the people weren't the nicest? Social politics involved?

[AlleyCat]

He seems like an @rse. I can't stand it when people criticise others for trivial things, then can't take that sort of criticism themselves. Tbh it sounds as if this guy might have something wrong with him- maybe he's got some kind of personality disorder or something (but don't say that to anyone who works there).

[shadowgirl021]

Haha, I can imagine me going up to someone or even him and saying that this person/you has/have a personality disorder. Would be amusing but end result not good.

I know, I agree. I think it comes down to respect as well. He does not respect me so does not listen to me and thinks he can say whatever to me and not say anything back to him. He is not going to be here long term so I just have to find another way to communicate to him, I mean that is a major part of the job not just the job description.

[Jim]

Thank you for your reply, I did wonder if I was maybe overreacting.

Did you not like working in care then? I guess the people weren't the nicest? Social politics involved?

I work in mental health care, in a secure hospital. But I'm trying to get redeployed to a role more suitable to me. If you're interested I have a thread where I rant a little about it;

http://www.dyspraxicadults.org.uk/forum ... f=9&t=3194

I can't say I've ever enjoyed it, I took it on because it was the lesser of two evils available to me but it has never been my dream career route. I'm reliable and good at the job, but I find it unduly stressful. The combination of the environment, the every changing organisational changes and the sheer extent of "office politics" have got to much for me.

In the eight years I've worked there I've had just about every type of colleague possible from really good ones to really lousy ones, to outright dodgy ones.

[shadowgirl021]

I can only imagine how stressful working or supporting people with mental health problems is. I support people with learning disabilities and after a shift you welcome fresh air and enjoy closing the door behind you. That is not to say I don't love my job, because I do.

I have seen a few posts on your thread. I am sorry about your manager leaving when she seemed to be the only one you could trust and possibly depend on and your situation. I know you mentioned the job centre and getting interviews. So are you looking for work in the same sector like a less stressful job in care or something completely different?

Social politics is very annoying. Its more concerning in interviews though. Obviously they have to find people who fit in with their care home or their establishment, which is understandable, but at the same time everyone brings in something different, if that makes sense. Well to say you lasted 8 years is really good, it must have got to a very bad point then to make you quit now.

[maria]

Shadowgirl, he sounds like a prat and I have a strong suspicion that your other colleagues laugh at him behind his back. (Check that out, you may be very surprised how many do!) There was a guy in the offices where I worked once. He was totally incompetent (seriously, the mistakes he made...) but he imagined he was incredibly good at his job and he liked to boss people around, especially newer or younger workers. He was a standing joke and we just don't know how he never got sacked. We seriously thought his Dad must belong to the Freemasons or something, it was, and still is, a complete mystery to me. After he left a section where he'd been throwing his weight around, people often burst out laughing but he was oblivious to it all and still believed he was wonderful.

I wouldn't waste your time worrying about prats. The "30 friends" remark is a clue to how socially inept he is. I've heard genuine friendships consist of three or four friends, the rest are mere acquaintances. Your colleague has no friends and is desperately trying to look important. You can either pity him or join in the laughter.

[Jim]

So are you looking for work in the same sector like a less stressful job in care or something completely different?

I'd like a complete career change, but my lack of relevant experience puts me at a major disadvantage, it's more realistic for me to remain in NHS employment, partly because I now have my Human Resources manager working towards a favourable redeployment into admin for me, and partly because having NHS experience to move to an admin role within the NHS sounds better than having minimal admin experience in any other industry. The NHS also offers a more competitive salary range than many other sectors in admin.

I've actually got an interview for an administrator job at an IAPT (improving access to physcological therapies) tomorrow. So I'm likely to remain working in mental health services in some way or other, but preferably not in the actual nursing side.

That's not to belittle nurses in any way, it's just not for me anymore. It's something you really have to love doing in order to tolerate all the nonsense that goes with it and the fact is I don't love nursing, I never did and I never will.

I know that there will always be flak and politics in whatever I do, but that's more tolerable when you have a role and environment that suits you more.

[shadowgirl021]

I dont know if they do, His friend does often say things about him but that comes with affection as well. I have never seen anyone make fun of him, but in honesty I do not look out for it. Maybe I ought to. I just think he wants to see me more involved socially. But yes I do agree with having about 4 or 5 or 3 friends. I, at the moment find it hard maintaining 4 friends, how does he find the time for 30?!

Hope your interview went well, When will you know the results or outcome? That is true. I do hope everything works out for you. from your posts it seems a long and over drawn process? (I added the question mark because I did not want to make that a statement if it was not)

[PhilB]

I think that some people struggle to see things from anything other than their own perspective. Maybe he's struggling to see that you are quite happy with the circle of friends you have, in the same way I'm struggling to see why anyone would feel that they need to be close buddies with everyone they meet. The difference being that I can accept that other people are like that and don't feel the need to advise them how to live their lives more like mine. If he's alright most of the time but just has some irritating quirks, then I suppose he's no different from anyone else. It's fine for you to say 'thanks, but no thanks' when he's giving lifestyle advise that you haven't asked for.

[Jim]

@Shadowgirl My interview went well, but I didn't get the job unfortunately. I got some excellent and encouraging feedback though. So even though it's a negative result I feel that I've made progress in a way because I prepared well for the interview and managed to impress them. My whole situation is a long drawn out process, and it is painfully slow. But it is slowly but surely beginning to come together now. I just have to keep chipping away at it.

@PhilB I think you hit the nail on the head. Some people effectively wear blinkers and think their way is the right way, and that anyone doing things differently are doing things wrong.

I tend to steer clear of people like that if I can, and if someone does try poking their nose into my business, especially when it's neither needed nor welcome I'll waste no time in telling them where to stick it.

[shadowgirl021]

So I did another night with my annoying work colleague which ended in me being so incredibly annoyed. I actually was not going to post but I had a headache due to not sleeping very well during day and he made me so mad around 06.00

So night begins with Service User bringing down his duvet sheet and wanting one of us to to help him. The sheet was inside out, so I turned it the right way around. That was apparently wrong! The way he usually puts it on is corner to corner inside out against the duvet. I put the sheet through duvet by laying duvet on bed then doing it. I did say while disagreeing that there was more then one way to doing something which ultimately gets the same result. He asked how long it took me. I was thinking seriously?! Why does it even matter. But said 1-2 mins, then accused me of lying!

He was quiet through out 1st part of shift, but he started shouting at me when I thought I was helping him, so I was beginning to walk away but forget a few things but got into another disagreement about how much water I put in the mop bucket and how no-one has taught me to mop and after I said oh like the ironing and how to put a duvet sheet on he said yep like that. We then said what was annoying, like he said I dislike when you say its fine when I point something out to you which isn't and I said you constantly criticise me. But anyway I also was waiting for him to finish ironing So I can sweep and mop. That was apparently wrong as well because he was "worried" that I was not doing my job correctly.

Later on around 06.00, I was in the kitchen tidying away and the phone rang. I did not hear it being in the kitchen and being with a service user, plus the kitchen has a sound device that makes it hard to hear past the dining area. Anyway he comes in and says the phone rang, are you deaf! I said where were you then? He told me then passed the message on. So I said O.K well I need to fill in a form, do you know when she will be back?. He said "God, I dont know, use your common sense, she is ill! I said fine, I just need to fill in a form which requires me to ask that and he said that I was so scared of getting fired, therefore making sure we do not miss anything out.

So obviously we should have parted on bad terms, but other staff came on for their shift and when he saw them, he started talking to them, because he is so social and laughing with them He starts talking to me, and pretends to fist bump me and saying bye and everything like that to be friendly.

Eugh I just do not know, I can not work with him like this, especially when he
A) listens to other night staff members
B) He would NEVER EVER say anything as rude to other staff as he did with me.

[Jim]

He definitely sounds like a prat who is too full of himself.

He needs to be careful because his behaviour towards you is bordering on harassment. I'm sure he'd be really offended if you raised a grievance against him, yet since he seems incapable of or unwilling to take on board what you say. This brings about questions on his ability at listening and working effectively with others.

If he makes you feel uncomfortable at work, you are fully entitled to discuss this with a manager at supervision. It's still informal at that stage, but it looks like your colleague could do with some gentle guidance on the diversity policy, team hierarchy and conduct & disciplinary.

Even if some of the things he said ultimately make sense, like the duvet for instance. You are entirely correct in pointing out that your method achieves the same result and that him insisting on having a debate about it actually risks disturbing others patients who'll be trying to sleep.

The phone call thing was really bad manners. You had a perfectly valid reason for not hearing the phone ring, and you asked a perfectly valid question. In telling you to use your common sense he failed to use his own and was actually plain rude about it... And since he took the phone-call why couldn't he fill in the form? It would have taken all of about ten seconds, instead of wasting minutes bitching at you.. or doesn't he know anything about team-work?

[shadowgirl021]

Thank you for responding, I know it seems I am coming across as maybe whining, its just at this moment in time, this job means so much to me.

I have many times been thinking about complaining during my next supervision and I know he will not get told about it either. I think I am worried who I tell. If I tell my team leader, I will worry she will not believe me, but that is not to say she is a bad person or even horrible, she is really nice and friendly. He just does not use cutting comments to anyone else. The easiest person to tell is my deputy but she will more then likely tell me to tell my manager.

I had to fill in the form because he did not know how to fill it in and where it was placed. It is a learning process, I am in charge (which is why it is so much harder for me that he does not listen. What ever he does its on me) so I can pass on information like filling in that form. This is the 1st time we have worked together where someone has phoned in sick. He goes on about me listening to him but he doesn't listen to me when I say things like this. I remember when I was working with my friend who was in charge and I took a phone call saying someone was going to be sick that day, he showed me the form and everything. I even got asked, I should have asked person calling in sick when they were coming back. So I am only repeating what I have been told.

My symptoms of dyspraxia have not been too bad at this job, but he makes me really emotional, stressed and doubt myself that my symptoms flare up and he is there saying "what are you doing"?

Oh I am really sorry to hear about your interview, I do hope the right one comes your way really soon at least you are hearing feedback. I very rarely heard feedback.