How do you deal with anger issues?

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Ben A
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How do you deal with anger issues?

Post by Ben A » Wed Dec 18, 2019 11:29 pm

Had a real big argument this evening with my brother, said some things I didn't mean and practically threw him out my house. I regret it, particularly being the time of year it is as well. We've spoken on the phone and patched things up (again) but it's a common pattern for us, we usually have them twice a year or more. I think we're a bit chalk and cheese character-wise but he reckons we're incredibly similar hence why we fall out.

Wish I could control it more but it's partly sibling rivalry and not wanting to back down from one another and I know I have a quick temper at the best of times and when he winds me up its like a red rag with a bull and neither of us give in.

Just wondering how other people deal with the anger issues when they're full on angry or feel it kicking in? Thanks.

Tom fod
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Re: How do you deal with anger issues?

Post by Tom fod » Thu Dec 19, 2019 11:12 pm

I think he is likely right about the similarity.
That you care enough and know it's unproductive is a good start. When anyone feels challenged and needs to defend their position, things and/or words can become ugly. I think the extra determination we have doesn't always predispose oyrselves to giving up early without a 'fight'
Looking for ways you can de escalate disagreement may help.

With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

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Re: How do you deal with anger issues?

Post by Xenavire » Fri Dec 20, 2019 2:39 am

I'm wracking my brains to try to answer this, because I went from incredibly easy to agitate to extremely relaxed and hard to anger. (Not to say I can't get mad, but generally I just vent a little and then I'm good.)

I guess my simplest answer (and probably hardest possible advice to follow), is to let things go and not dwell on them. Especially if it's someone you care about. If you care, why hold a grudge? Once the moment is over, it's over, it does nobody any good to bottle that anger up and save it for the next encounter.

As for controlling your anger in the moment, you can try the usual tricks (counting backwards from ten, breathing slow and steady, etc), but even just acknowledging that you are angry can help you stop yourself and let you calm down.

I'm not sure exactly what in my life changed me so drastically, or I'd tell everyone to try it, but I think that just knowing I didn't like being angry and finding healthy ways to vent frustration, really helped.

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Re: How do you deal with anger issues?

Post by pixiewithdocs » Fri Jan 17, 2020 3:09 pm

I always recommend non-violent communication framing if there's a situation where you go in knowing it could get ugly (like with OP's brother).

You frame your conversation around Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests. i.e. You're talking a lot about moving house (O) and I feel pretty stressed about it (F) I need calm right now (N) so please can you let me look into it myself before we chat more? (R)

It's a non judgemental and behaviour-not-person centred approach that doesn't 'put upon' people.

In terms of managing temper I can't really help as when I'm stressed or pissed off and can't express it (oh conflict avoidance) I just end up getting Massive Pedestrian Rage and I tell off drivers, berate strangers for dropping litter and generally take it out on those people I deem to be wrong in the moment :(
Aorta/tattoo the artery/with acute artistry

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