custard

[RoxyFirestorm]

My name's Roxy, and i'm defective. i feel defective, and it's making me miserable.

it's been a little over 2 years since someone hit me with the label maker and told me i was dyspraxic. and that was it. i happily stomped off to go see what it was all about, read everything i could get my hands on and considered it a done deal. i'd spent too long thinking i was different, and someone finally agreed. i was happy.

two years later and i feel like i just realised that i don't work like everyone else. it's one thing to accept a label, but a whole different kettle of fish when it comes to accepting what it means, what it does to you. currently i'm utterly miserable. miserable is an understatement. i'm depressed. at this moment i could do with a good cry, to get it all out of my system, but i know crying won't make any of it go away. not the difficulties, not the side effects, not the headaches from trying to think my way round so many problems that everyone else seems to manage with.

the tears are stuck in my throat like a big ball. it doesn't want to shift. my brain's not party to my conscious thought right now, this is all coming straight out of my fingers. i know my brain wants to talk due to the lack of typos. days like this, times like this i can't think, i can only channel. my brain doesn't like to talk to me much. when i want to work it wants to veg out or play games. when i want to remember something i have to write it down so it sticks, else it's gone in ten minutes. nothing's easy, and it makes me want to cry.

life shouldn't be this hard, or this cold. i'm alone. i've been single for too long since i can't cope with relationships. i can't cope with real people a lot of the time. i struggle to concentrate on my friend when the radio is on. it's like having the attention span of a ping pong ball.

sometimes i want to drill a hole in the side of my head, just to relieve the pressure in there. it's all tense, unless i hide from whatever it is that's the latest problem. it's getting harder to ignore stuff now though. i can't afford to keep putting things off. the final deadlines are approaching at uni and i've got nowhere near enough work done. it's my second attempt. convincing the uni that something was amiss last year was hard enough. getting the system to prove it is harder still.

i'm going to see the headshrinkers on wednesday. it's taken 5 months, fifteen phone calls and one worry inducing letter to get this far. "in the new year" to me means january, to them it means... well it means nothing. it means go away. it's disappointing that to get anywhere you have to talk about killing yourself just to achieve something. i'm not lying about it, i would if i could get it right and make it foolproof. it'd have to be perfect, cause the morning after that scenario is not something i'm prepared to deal with. i doubt it'll ever come about, but we shall see. the more depressed i get the more i talk about it, and the more my brain fantasises about it. i get the distinct impression my brain doesn't like me very much.

as i said, i feel defective. i've been ignoring the struggling for too long, masking it with futile pursuits and redundant research. i know what the problem is. i know what it causes. but it doesn't seem to be making it any easier to live with. it doesn't seem to be presenting any solutions. it just leaves me feeling... alone. alone and trapped. trapped in this hostile vessel that wants to get out. axeing my head open to escape might sound a bit extreme, but metaphorically it could work. anything to get out of this body and have a taste of what's nearer normal.

i'm not coping. i feel redundant. my life has fallen into a recursive cycle. it seems the only reason i'm still kicking around this planet is to find the reason why i'm still kicking around. existence defined in terms of itself. if i ever get to the bottom of it i figure i'll be a danger to myself, but until them i'm locked in an endless cycle of self loathing, self doubt and self recrimination.

yeah, so by now you've realised this isn't your typical hello. right now i'm just tired of being alone. i wanted to feel like i wasn't the only one stuck in such a pessimistic cycle. i've always managed to get through things, to find a way to make things work, but not this time. i keep hitting the same road block. i know i can't hide from it forever. i think maybe, for five minutes, i just wanted to matter. to be noticed. to not be alone.

[Evasura]

Roxy,
welcome to the forum. Hope that flicking through the pages you realise that you're not the only one whose brain works in a funny way. Dyspraxic can make you feel completely useless and stupid. It makes everything slower and more challenging. And more tiring. You are at uni, which is a sign that you're not completely stupid, isn't it? on the other hand, when you overcome difficulties and succeed on something, it such a real pleasure. It's just that that it takes a lot of determination and not letting yourself procrastinate. You'll also realise that many people around here don't have partners. Myself, I'm 36 and I've never have a proper partner. You have friends. Appreciate them and if they are good friends, they know you and appreciate you as well the way you are. I hope you find the strength to keep on going. The meaning of life??? having fun on whatever you do???
keep on reading and writing in the forum, if it helps you. A lot of things make sense when you read thorgh the forum. And your writing is sooo expressive!!! it would be a pity to miss more of it.
Take care

[RoxyFirestorm]

thanks. i've been having such a rough time lately, with so many things all piling up, as you can probably tell. it's like trying to learn to cope all over again. it's not fun.

[Liz944]

Welcome to the forum!

Things do get better especially once the stress of uni is over and your life becomes your own again!

[RoxyFirestorm]

it doesn't get easier. you just learn to forget which bits hurt, until you get the wounds opened again. was patronised by my English teacher tonight, yet again. my tolerance threshold is wearing low.

[scotsman008]

Hi, My names Carl, i also suffer from dyspraxia and aspergers syndrome. Like you i am very lonely on this planet as i am finding it really difficult to make friends. I think its due to my narrow interest/hobby margin because my main subject is steam trains amongst art and other things.

Also, its really frustrating when other people are telling me to make friends with people of my own age because i only have two friends who are 21- ish but seem to be fading out of my life so i understand how you feel.

If you want someone to talk to, im on my hotmail account, facebook and obviously this forum.

Glad to speak to you!!!