Not Another New Dysplexic Member

[I_Voyager]

Hello there all,

Long rant as hey, I've had almost no dyspraxic peers with which I could share this,

I wanted to find a community of dyspraxic folk like myself. I was diagnosed with "sensory integration disorder" when I was younger. I didn't really understand the disorder at all, assuming it was only a fine motor skills disorder I usually blamed myself for my more broad decision making problems and executive problems. As a result of my school system not really being forgiving about my behaviour, social ostracization at elementary school and a shitload of energy spent trying to please everyone who was disappointed in me or insulting to me I ended up being very stressed out. I was balding by 19, trying to cultivate the best attitude I could to compensate for failures in school that I was punished for. So I think the contradiction between trying to be my best person and being blamed for my inabilities led me to constantly have a terrible self-image and pitiful self-confidence. If you look at my grade 6 photo I really look tense and unhappy. I used to get these huge stress rashes on my inner-elbow, which my mother thought was some kind of allergic reaction, so it certainly didn't help that she kept eliminating beloved things like cheese and bread from my diet during these stressful times! lol

My dyspraxia is comorbid with ADD and a minor dyscalclia. My ADD issue was also recognized when I was young but a lot more attention was given to it. Even then no real progress was made against it until I started self-medicating with cannabis in my 20s (I'm in Canada and it's legal now so yay!) I went from always having rapidly changing creative ideas (like a new idea for a story every week) to being able to hone in obsessively on a narrower set of ideas. This eventually led me to self-publishing a book which I was quite proud about. The dyscalclia causes me to misremember and swap number placements given enough numbers in a system. This became quite obvious in my worst class ever: accounting. While writing reams of numbers I would always write (let's say) 2368 as 2386 and in doing so, screw up all the calculations. I'll do it with mental math too.

As my focus until now has been on the ADD and the anxiety/depression, I eventually had to face the facts that what regularly return me to anxiety/depression are the situations my dyspraxia construct for. After studying some sophists, some philosophers, some neuroscience, some other sciences, etc... I know I can maintain long-term behaviours. If I view myself as having these long-term learning goals, I don't sweat the lost time or the lost days or the delays. This because there's always some other future point in which I can be productive, and when those days come I seize them.

The hardest part about trying to maintain this is justifying it. Before I was focusing on my dyspraxia the feeling I got from friends, family, employers, etc... Was that the problem was with my decisions or my way of thinking. So the advice would always be very much rooted in the person's way of going about things. Since I don't come off just from conversation as notably unintelligent (if anything, I seem quite intelligent) and I have some natural charisma, I should also be naturally competent. So you get that hokey "your actions reflect your intentions" philosophy thrown at me a lot. This made me pursue a lot of studys of philosophy and science to try and better myself and improve my ability. Now I realize a lot of the advice is just bad advice founded upon ignorant inferences. People like to generalize from their particular individual experiences. The rules structures of society or places of employment are founded on assumptions of these kinds. This means you always have to be justifying your dyspraxia. In-fact, dyspraxia is a core fact of the nature of some humans. Systems should account for these facts, and people should deduce from being experiments how to best integrate dyspraxia into workplaces and households.

As I come into a fuller knowledge of dyspraxia, I am finding some close family members very receptive and a few still very resistant. Although I had the diagnosis for Sensory Integration Disorder since I was a child, some extended family seem to want to remain unconvinced unless I do further testing. Others just don't seem to care and like to just act like I'm a normal person who can be modified by some little spiel like I'm some television show character.

I've got this hypothesis that dyspraxic people could be more successful together in "dyspraxia-enabling environments." I'm still not entirely sure what kind of environment could be optimized for a dyspraxic person. But my hypothesis is if an organization was built from top-to-bottom of people with dyspraxia, people who would otherwise hold positions typified by long work hours and time management could split the position with two or three other people. These people could share more work burden and work less, and naturally get paid less. From top-to-bottom then dyspraxic people may earn less but there would be less of the ugly time pressures or competency pressures. Having more people do less work would allow a better flexibility for the organization to adapt to the changes which the chaos of dyspraxia could bring day-to-day. What do y'all think?

My symptomatic experiences are as follow. I've always had poor fine motor skills. I bump into door frames and counter tops and stuff all the time. I drop food off my fork often. I choke often. I have a poor working memory and often forget day-plans and go off onto tangents. No amount of listing helps... I have practiced everything from long-term strategic planning to daily task lists and I've noticed I'll tend to fail to achieve listed goals, but then I'll achieve all sorts of other things. My left and right sides sync up well so I can do things like practice longsword well. I appear to have poor wrist articulation. I get social anxiety in large groups as I find it too much information to process. I'm highly analytic despite the dyscalclia and enjoy philosophy and science as a result. But I prefer philosophy as I handle the general principles of things better than specific sums or calculations. I tend to come off as extremely shy until you get me talking. I can suddenly then flip over to an excited chatter-monkey who talks too fast for too long. I'm highly eccentric and prefer honesty. But I have trust issues owing to tacit feelings of having been betrayed and let down again and again in my relationships due to being incapable of taking certain kinds of advice or living up to certain standards thrust upon me which I would then be punished over. I don't follow orders well and often improvise. I have a problem remembering left and right relative to each-other. I had to learn a sort of pneumatic device while playing video games to remember "right" or "left" to do certain combinations in video games as a kid. But since then I've always had to use that device to identify left or right and cannot do it intuitively. I have poor "spatial reasoning" I've often said. For example, I will often forget a direction to a location given certain complexities. I'm a life-long pedestrian and I don't do driving tests well. I don't test well period.

A year ago, probably as a result of decades of built up stress I fell into major anxiety attacks. I was having anxiety attacks every few days for three or four months. I would usually take a day off every month for stress leave at other jobs. Feeling guilty all the while, constantly worried about the perception that I'm faking it. I was actually made to feel as if such admittance were often faking or lies so when I first started having suicidal thoughts I would tell me I was just trying to hurt people around me. I think this guilt only increased my anxiety. Eventually I conquered the suicidal thoughts though it would take ten years.

I also think because of my experiences I've kind of learned how to be a bit of a dick defensively. I'm quick to point out peoples' flaws because perhaps I've had my own flaws put forth before me so many times by so many people. I studied philosophy and became very critical of ideas. I sometimes expect everyone to be more intelligent than me owing to always having been criticized for my incompetence and I guess I came to conflate intelligence with competence. Actually by the virtue of my self-education I'm now a lot smarter than a lot of people, even if I'm barely more competent than before.

I'm tired of hearing sophists telling people that success or failure is a matter of overcoming your personality flaws and achieving the same lifestyle as the sophists. I'm tired of being levied expectations I cannot live up to by people who don't understand how hard it is to have dyspraxia. I'm tired of not being allowed to pursue academic philosophy because I can't do it in the boxes defined by institutions. I begin to feel lucky to have those few who embrace the fact of my dyspraxia, who are kind of willing to "back off" in a sense or otherwise just accept what goes on as a result of my dyspraxia. To kind of just accept that yep, I did drop that, yes, I did put that there, yes, those are my socks over there, yes I realize you asked me to cook that but I cooked this instead and yes, the flavors just didn't work out. But it feels like a campaign to go from that small number of folk to everyone in my life who matters to me being able to accept me for me.

But until the world realizes that no, I don't want what it's selling 'cause it ain't made with me in mind and yes, I'd just like the time to study quietly and publish thesis' when they (finally) get settled I think there will always be some essential conflict between me and the world.

[Tom fod]

Hi and apologies for slow response. It was interesting to read your introduction and I do like that it is long and wide ranging. I think despite our having common condition there is a lot of diversity amongst people with dyspraxia /dyspraxic people and we can have completely different outlooks and degrees of coping and strategies we employ.

I find that fact we can come across as lacking in confidence and appear incompetent and/or uncertain things does us a huge disservice.

I guess I'm mildly affected and have managed to find my niche in an office environment. sadly all too many aren't as fortunate.

Anyway welcome to the Forum, we've got members from all over including Canada.

[I_Voyager]

You know how often I've apologised for the slow response? Sounds like a symptom of dyspraxia. I appreciate the welcoming and I'm happy to be around people who have some common grounds with my experience.

[Rose_victoria]

Just found out about this site and your post was the first I read, and I relate to so many of the things you’ve said! I’m currently revising for my Alevels (I live in the UK) and I’m finding it so painfully hard. I just can’t revise, I have awful memory, awful organisation skills and difficulty putting my thoughts into words. I know I’m not dumb, in fact I know I’m intelligent. I’m extremely creative and I’m constantly thinking and questioning things. I absolutely love learning and can understand complex things (not maths tho lol) but if you asked me to revise a topic for a test I would fail. I can’t swim (because I can’t coordinate my arms and legs for some reason), I can’t tell my left and rights and always have to make L signs with my hands to know, it took me 3 years (from 7-10) to learn how to tie my shoe laces - I used to practice so much and break down crying because I found it impossible even though I knew exactly how to do it, my hands just couldn’t. Even recently my mate was teaching me how to roll a fag and I knew exactly how to do each step but my hands refused to cooperate. Growing up I was constantly hearing about all the exams my brother aced. He’s 7 years older than me, went to the same college I’m in now, is extremely hard working and so good at revising. He just finds it easy to sit down and focus. Then there was me, never achieving above average, never being able to concentrate on revision, never being able to meet deadlines. I knew I wasn’t lazy but I felt like such a failure for not being strong enough to push myself to revise well. But I’ve just never been able to. I’ve never understood how everyone around me doesn’t find it too difficult to actually do revision, or write essays for a deadline. I’ve grown up hating myself because I’ve never achieved anything to be proud of. I try insanely hard at college but it’s never reflected in my grades, and my mother blames me for it and always has. But like, I know it’s not a personality issue. I lived in Brazil from 12-15 and during that time I quickly learnt to speak Portuguese fluently, so I know my brain can internalise things well when I’m not pressured by exams and deadlines. I also self medicate with weed lol, although it’s not legal yet here in the ukit’s helped me so much by letting me delve into my philosophical thinking on what life is and how silly society is and how I need to go my own path rather than trying to fit in with the general standard. I’m teaching myself to work for my own goals rather than desperately trying to impress my peers and be academically successful because I’m unable to do it. I loved your hypothesis, that would be an ideal world for me. Reading your post made me really think “oh ****, I probably do actually have a learning problem” so thank you for sharing your experience.

Rose

[Gehrman]

I understand you in the sense that because of all the problems I have also become a more selfish and cruel person

[Auspraxic]

Very late but anyways. I'm 15 and I'm new and I also struggled but enjoyed accounting this half of 2022 and I am now enjoying business studies. I do struggle with the number flipping parts and I will admit this is affecting my math score. But with philosophy especially in a Catholic school that teaches theology. I score high 80s in theology as well as English and Humanities. But for math and some sciences I struggle with numeracy that results in downfalls. Everything you said from family refusal, denial, and social rejection is very relatable and I'm ecstatic that someone can relate to my issues even if they're on the other side of the globe. I even go on tangents about stuff once people get to know me lol . Although I am a minor, I will keep note about medical majurani in future if my country legalises it if my co-ordination worsens/Anxiety in my 30s-60s.

I'd like to hear more from you as 99% of what you said is exactly the same B.S or positivity I've experienced.

P.S I've also became a selfish, careless person because of some of the things you've also mentioned. Good to know I'm not the only one mad at myself for being being mad at people being mad at me.

Many thanks - Auspraxic

[Tom fod]

Very late but anyways. I'm 15 and I'm new and I also struggled but enjoyed accounting this half of 2022 and I am now enjoying business studies. I do struggle with the number flipping parts and I will admit this is affecting my math score. But with philosophy especially in a Catholic school that teaches theology. I score high 80s in theology as well as English and Humanities. But for math and some sciences I struggle with numeracy that results in downfalls. Everything you said from family refusal, denial, and social rejection is very relatable and I'm ecstatic that someone can relate to my issues even if they're on the other side of the globe. I even go on tangents about stuff once people get to know me lol . Although I am a minor, I will keep note about medical majurani in future if my country legalises it if my co-ordination worsens/Anxiety in my 30s-60s.

I'd like to hear more from you as 99% of what you said is exactly the same B.S or positivity I've experienced.

P.S I've also became a selfish, careless person because of some of the things you've also mentioned. Good to know I'm not the only one mad at myself for being being mad at people being mad at me.

Many thanks - Auspraxic

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