making people upset

[Evasura]

I've just made another friend upset (not a very close friend, so he doesn't know me very well). how can I make people not get upset. Things that I think are logical and obvious, aparently are very upsetting for opher people. My friends tell me and I always have to apologize because I do stupid things that upset them: either touching them too hard (so they feel it as I've punched them, not just as a touch), or I say something that they think is rude (so being honest means being rude, yeah?). i'd like to be in management one day. I know that I have some very good skills for it (enthusiastic, inspiring, very good subject knowledge, good ICT skills...), but I don't feel confident with the fact that I make people upset and I djn't know how not to do it!!!! which in itself makes me very upset. Is it really possible to learn what not to do to make people upset without loosing your personality or your principles or without having to smile at everybody feeling like stupid or a hyprocrite??? I am confused! (*,)

[agsiul]

I know how you feel. I think some people use it to manipulate us. As in they pretend that they are upset when really they are just using it. I generally say well tough lcuk to them. Much trickier to say it in work but outside of work I try not to get too upset because at the end of the day if they are upset it is their issue. It's not like we do it on purpose. It's trickier to do it with people who don't know me because they do get offended. I've made some whoppers if it helps. Ccan't say I can say anything to help except that I've done it to. If you'd like some for a laugh and to make you feel better let me know and I'll send over some examples.

[Evasura]

Thanks Agsiul. That would actually be a funny and maybe interesting thread. Shall we start: The first one: The other day I was playing karaoke with some frineds; I had one of the mics and a friend came on the microphone to sing with me. I thought he was going to the take the mic off me, so I tried to apart him with my hand. I slapped him really hard on the face and his cheek got all red. This one is a really good friend (the type that will give me an apron and a tray when I eat at his place, because he knows me so well). he got very upset at the beginning, but he calmed down when I apologised and I said that I didn't mean to slap him and I didn't mean to hurt him. He knows I can't measure my stregth, so we just laughed at what a brute I am. The one yesterday was that I was on the phone talking to this guy and when I thought there was nothing else to say, I said: "Ok, I'm going to hang up now. I'll talk to you tomorrow". I thought that it was Ok to tell him, instead of hanging up directly. He didn't like it!at all!I hate the phone!he called another of my friends to tell him that I had been very rude to him. Nothing makes sense. Why didn't he tell me that he had found that rude? why did he find it rude?I guess I should have said: "take care!" or something that has exactly the same meaning as "I'm going to hang up now". Waiting to hear more of these. Just realised that maybe this is a thread tfor relationships, so I'll copy it there too and we catch it from there.

[meow]

Sometimes I'll offend someone with out realizing. Something will sound perfectly fine in my head and then some one will get upset. I can't control the tone of my voice or the way I say things and people will accuse me of shouting at them or having ago at them when I'm really not and it makes me feel awful.

[Evasura]

yeah, I also shout at people without realising. aparently my tone of voice is generally quite loud

[shadowgirl021]

Not sure if this post is still continuing but still....
Making people upset is horrible especially when you don't realise you are making people upset. I made someone upset well even more upset because he was in a bad mood anyway. He said he missed this place that he used to go to but because i knew he still went there i said "you miss X but you still go there?" and he replied back never mind! like i somehow missed the point. I also called someone else indirectly I might add a gold digger and he seemed really upset even though everything he said suggested he was a gold digger. I also criticized my friends hair, I think she took ages doing it and I kept backing towards her and saying there's something in your hair.
My friend used to hate the whole tone of voice as well especially when she told me something private in shops and department stores.
Everyone makes people upset but I think it would have been common courtesy for your friend to tell you that they were upset A year on are you still friends?

[Evasura]

LOL, thanks for asking. yes, we're still friends and he now knows me better so he doesn't get upset anymore for things I say.(though I have actually upset a different friend since then and this time more seriously. A mess!)

[Vespero]

I must say, I don't really know how to help you with this. I'm a very passive person and feel compelled to remain on good terms with everyone. This leads to me not really doing much of anything at all that would make people upset.

When someone does feel offended, it is generally a misunderstanding brought about by my inability to properly intone my voice and so my emotions are sometimes misinterperated. Perhaps you could talk to your friend and lay everything out on the table.

[Evasura]

Thanx 4 advise

[Khoardiroy]

I find my humour is alwas offending people as I say the things out loud that everyone else just thinks. That said it has also had its benefits too ;-)

[cazzzzy]

im the same !!!! im fed up with saying SORRY and half the time i dont even know what im sayin sorry for ?,i did some CBT which i find usefull and in learning to try and stop and think before i speak ! or repling to txt which i really find frustrating..to be honest i think other people are more rude and maybe they need to to be saying sorry ! at least we have an excuse we are who we are and shouldnt have to keep apologising !!!

[Ldyalb]

I am the same, has got better amongst those who know I'm dyspraxic. Was a nightmare when I worked though, really struggled to make friends and was constanly being bullied for it (only started once I went off sick, before that it was just teasing and laughing with me more than at me most of the time).

I'm quite good on the phone, easier than face to face (used to work in recruitment so on the phone A LOT). Best way to go is to say 'I've got to go now (for XYZ reason), speak to you tomorrow' wait for them to say something back, usually 'ok, speak tomorrow, bye' and then say 'bye'. I know what you meant by 'going to hang up now' but can see how someone not on the spectrum would find that a bit abrupt

[lauraECFan]

I annoyed one of my friends the other day as I mentioned to another friend that he is half Chinese a bit loudly but we sorted it out and I apologized talk about walking into a wall