College Anxiety
Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2019 7:48 pm
Hey! I am not sure that I posted this in the right section but hello! If not, please move. Prepare for a long post aka rant.
I am currently on a gap year, well I am kinda of on a gap year. I am on part time education currently in college. (Night time)
My first year at college was horrible for me. Basically I spoke to the my college person in my high school saying I wanted to do performing arts and he showed me a course which could interest me. I applied and got an interview date, if you apply to a course such as mine (Acting and Performance) you need to perform a monologue. I learned it pretty quickly and I arrived to the interview date. The lectures put me in a lower level course despite having the qualifications and experience for the level six (NC in Scotland) I told one of my lecturers about it a week in and she was surprised that I didn't say as I would be doing NC. However, did say in my qualifications that they read right in front of me. A few weeks in the course, we all got moved up due to low numbers in both classes. We started and we did tests which I got a lot of resits in apart from the practical side and essay side. One of my lecturers said "I was not studying" but I was. Very hard. Despite this, I passed Semester One!
However, I had much more struggles than this in the course. I started to realise I was beginning to get isolated in the class. For example, it was semester one and I decided to go to Greggs with a couple of people in the class. I walked in with them and brought my food. I noticed one of the members seen me but did not say anything. We walked out and the person said "When did (name) get here" despite seeing me. I walked away crying all the way to the college. I left the group in a hurry and when they entered. I couldn't look at them which meant I left the class. I broke down at home a couple of times due to the tests and bullying going on.
Things got worse...
All of my close friends were dropping out and I was improving in the tests that we received. I started to become completely isolated in the class. Everyone would ignore my messages in the group chat, I was slowly losing interest in the course due to the ongoing bullying. Seemly I came across rude and acted like the victim but that was how I handled social situations due to the environment. I argued and cried. One of my lecturers one day said "Act like you care" when she saw me down as I was mentally tired from everything. (She said this in front of the whole class) We once had to do a monologue in front of the class for an assessment. I picked a monologue which I did in Higher Drama and due bad memory that Dyspraxic's had. After I performed the monologue, my lecturer said "You should know this speech off by heart" how can I know a speech from last year?! Does she know what Dyspraxia is? This was my breaking point. I sat down and my head started to spin. My lecturer pointed out that I was sitting weird and I ran to the toilet. I broke down outside for an hour and I could not stop crying. For one of our shows, my lecturer kept picking at me "for being a beat behind and sloppy" in a dance piece we were doing. This is when I learned my lecturers didn't know what my disability was. I felt no support from them at all. Apart from when I passed tests. The only support I got was the wonderful learning support team that I had who kept saying "You are doing great (Name)" and my Core Skills lecturer who actually understood me and kept me going. Sometimes, some of my classmates would comfort me.
I applied for the next level (HNC) which my learning support team told me to go for it! I did but my lecturers said I would crumble. Everyone in the learning support team and my remaining friend were shocked that I didn't get in. One of the learning support team encouraged me to argue against it but I didn't. She was disappointed. My mum was trying to push it. However, no avail. I decided to accept defeat. I went to see one of my members perform in the final level course in college and I just got a cold "thanks" that is when I knew it was time to go. My class were leaving me out, ignoring me and I wanted to stay at home. I passed the course.
College applications are opening soon and I am anxious to go back to full time college after my experience. I've learned most of the people have moved up, have crumbled and dropped out but I really want this. I also learned that my old college performing arts classes are shutting down due to the lack of numbers in all levels and next year is the last time it will be in this college. I am just very anxious on going back and I am scared that all of this will happen again. I'm thinking on applying to other colleges as well. I just want to complete this course to it's fullest and not be one of them who gave up.
Thank you for reading this, if you did. I just wanted to get this off of my chest. Sorry if there is any confusion. I am willing to answer any questions.
I am currently on a gap year, well I am kinda of on a gap year. I am on part time education currently in college. (Night time)
My first year at college was horrible for me. Basically I spoke to the my college person in my high school saying I wanted to do performing arts and he showed me a course which could interest me. I applied and got an interview date, if you apply to a course such as mine (Acting and Performance) you need to perform a monologue. I learned it pretty quickly and I arrived to the interview date. The lectures put me in a lower level course despite having the qualifications and experience for the level six (NC in Scotland) I told one of my lecturers about it a week in and she was surprised that I didn't say as I would be doing NC. However, did say in my qualifications that they read right in front of me. A few weeks in the course, we all got moved up due to low numbers in both classes. We started and we did tests which I got a lot of resits in apart from the practical side and essay side. One of my lecturers said "I was not studying" but I was. Very hard. Despite this, I passed Semester One!
However, I had much more struggles than this in the course. I started to realise I was beginning to get isolated in the class. For example, it was semester one and I decided to go to Greggs with a couple of people in the class. I walked in with them and brought my food. I noticed one of the members seen me but did not say anything. We walked out and the person said "When did (name) get here" despite seeing me. I walked away crying all the way to the college. I left the group in a hurry and when they entered. I couldn't look at them which meant I left the class. I broke down at home a couple of times due to the tests and bullying going on.
Things got worse...
All of my close friends were dropping out and I was improving in the tests that we received. I started to become completely isolated in the class. Everyone would ignore my messages in the group chat, I was slowly losing interest in the course due to the ongoing bullying. Seemly I came across rude and acted like the victim but that was how I handled social situations due to the environment. I argued and cried. One of my lecturers one day said "Act like you care" when she saw me down as I was mentally tired from everything. (She said this in front of the whole class) We once had to do a monologue in front of the class for an assessment. I picked a monologue which I did in Higher Drama and due bad memory that Dyspraxic's had. After I performed the monologue, my lecturer said "You should know this speech off by heart" how can I know a speech from last year?! Does she know what Dyspraxia is? This was my breaking point. I sat down and my head started to spin. My lecturer pointed out that I was sitting weird and I ran to the toilet. I broke down outside for an hour and I could not stop crying. For one of our shows, my lecturer kept picking at me "for being a beat behind and sloppy" in a dance piece we were doing. This is when I learned my lecturers didn't know what my disability was. I felt no support from them at all. Apart from when I passed tests. The only support I got was the wonderful learning support team that I had who kept saying "You are doing great (Name)" and my Core Skills lecturer who actually understood me and kept me going. Sometimes, some of my classmates would comfort me.
I applied for the next level (HNC) which my learning support team told me to go for it! I did but my lecturers said I would crumble. Everyone in the learning support team and my remaining friend were shocked that I didn't get in. One of the learning support team encouraged me to argue against it but I didn't. She was disappointed. My mum was trying to push it. However, no avail. I decided to accept defeat. I went to see one of my members perform in the final level course in college and I just got a cold "thanks" that is when I knew it was time to go. My class were leaving me out, ignoring me and I wanted to stay at home. I passed the course.
College applications are opening soon and I am anxious to go back to full time college after my experience. I've learned most of the people have moved up, have crumbled and dropped out but I really want this. I also learned that my old college performing arts classes are shutting down due to the lack of numbers in all levels and next year is the last time it will be in this college. I am just very anxious on going back and I am scared that all of this will happen again. I'm thinking on applying to other colleges as well. I just want to complete this course to it's fullest and not be one of them who gave up.
Thank you for reading this, if you did. I just wanted to get this off of my chest. Sorry if there is any confusion. I am willing to answer any questions.