How do you balance what you need from your social relationships?

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I_Voyager
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How do you balance what you need from your social relationships?

Post by I_Voyager » Tue Apr 30, 2019 1:44 pm

As a result of my dyspraxia, I've always marginalized myself for the sake of other people. But owing to the sense of alienation that produces I've also rebelled and sometimes tried to pursue lifestyles that are quintessentially me. But one thing I've never done is tried to settle on what it is I need from a social relationship in order for it to be a healthy one for me.

So how do you determine what you need from a social relationship? I often find remembering that we're meeting up for X, or that I should call Y very difficult. So as a result key members of my own social network stop contacting me because they don't appreciate my distance. But my distance is primarily because I get wound up in the day and do require other people to contact me.

Another problem I have is that it's hard to know emotionally what kind of balance I need. I like to hang out, but get overwhelmed by too much social interaction. I want to have friendships and like being invited to parties but too many people make it difficult to socialize. And as a result of being sometimes too loud then too quiet, or otherwise, too opinionated, I can drive some people away.

It's like on one hand I don't know how to control what I give out as a friend; I don't know how to determine an accurate standard for what kind of socialization I need; and I don't know how to cultivate those friendships and keep them present. I want to be able to have good discussions with people but I hate using the phone. I guess I need to see people to properly read their responses, hear them clearly and know what I'm going to say.

It doesn't help that I live in a very spatially dispersed community with no real public transportation. I have to travel by vehicle a half-hour to get into the nearest city. But I don't drive and have failed three driving test owing to the difficulty I have taking auditory instructions in space. Whereas I have to walk at least a half-hour to have any social interactions with anyone in town.

So,yes... How do I be less confused about my social relationships? What kind of social balances work for you?

Tom fod
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Re: How do you balance what you need from your social relationships?

Post by Tom fod » Sun May 05, 2019 7:38 pm

I think like many people we can be quite contradictory. Sometimes we need solitude and other times we crave interaction of the kind we need

I don't drive either. I now live in a small city with relatively good public transportation links bus/train. I think not driving causes some people difficulty in comprehending how we function at all.

People can be very fickle and all of have their own priorities and sometimes they might not include us and sometimes our lack of confidence and tendency to be almost apologetic for existence can cause us problems. Dating and relationships with females is an area I've particularly struggled with, though I do have some good female friends.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

allesandro
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Re: How do you balance what you need from your social relationships?

Post by allesandro » Tue May 07, 2019 7:15 pm

I've always struggled with this, and actually lost a very good friend some years ago because I don't drive. They straight up asked me, "why is it that I'm always the one who has to do all of the driving?" At the time I didn't even know what dyspraxia was so I really didn't feel confident that I could explain my difficulties with spatial relationships and direction in a manner that didn't sound like I was l just making excuses out of laziness. It's always been difficult for me to establish and maintain friendships, in part due to issue with depression, as well as diabetes which makes it very difficult for me to socialize since people seem to want to socialize in the context of food and alcohol, neither of which I am permitted to indulge in. It makes it boring for them and uncomfortable for me, especially in restaurants since I really struggle with adherence to dietary restrictions. It's amazing how many people don't want to socialize with someone who doesn't drive, eat, or drink. These are manifestations of disability that few people want to be bothered with.
So, once again I don't really have an answer for this question, I'm just sharing my experience. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them

Tom fod
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Re: How do you balance what you need from your social relationships?

Post by Tom fod » Tue May 07, 2019 9:30 pm

It brings home the fact that many people with a variety of disabilities /conditions become prisoners in their own homes.

I managed to get a scary but comparatively minor viral upper respiratory tract infection and but for friends family kindlly being there, it still feels very isolating.

Also with Depression you most probably feel ill disposed to going out or 'being a burden to others' which no doubt compounds feelings of isolation.

Being/thinking differently and having Dyspraxia seems to be a curse but can be a blessing in terms our empathy for others can build bridges. Finding the answers seems to be all too difficult at times.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

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