Friendship/relationship advice

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RGabb
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Friendship/relationship advice

Post by RGabb » Mon Dec 11, 2017 8:07 pm

Hi

I recently around a month ago went on my first ever date with a girl I know from work, I had been speaking to her for a few months prior and all was going well. To be honest i couldn't believe she wanted to go on a date with me because most other girls don't seem interested in me at all and will generally ignore me. So i was very happy and people at work were happy to see me that happy. We got on very well with each other would definitely say there was something between us and the date went on for 6 hours, she agreed to a second one which we planned. However after the first date this where it all went wrong, I started developing feelings for very quite quickly you can probably see where this is going. So i invited her out for lunch one lunch break at work. All went well however I then asked a question I now regret. I asked "do you like me?" originally she answered this ok, however said she expected this question and then said she just wants to be friends as she isn't sure how she feels.

So basically I rushed to much and asked way to early and ruined it all. Very annoyed with myself cause I've ruined what was something that could of possible been something and one of the best things to happen to me. We are still speaking to each other on and off and in person occasionally however she seems not very interested in me and conversation does not last long. However as last attempt to see if she is interested in doing something together I asked if she fancied doing something over Christmas and new year, however she said she can't due to Christmas and new year and being with family, which is reasonable. So my questions is how do any of you deal with rushing and how to keep is steady, like a loosely termed "normal" person would do? I have a habit of rushing at things and messes stuff up like this and I get really annoyed with myself. Also overthinking and worrying has been a big issue here and not sure how to properly deal with it, I am often playing scenarios in my head before I speak to her to see how either of us would react to it and what I'd say, I do that for most things to be honest but more recently. Also how to let things go and forget about things is also a struggle for me and would appreciate any advice on that. Also any advice on this situation would be most appreciative, its not awkward between us I would say it just that conversation isn't what it was like and doesn't last long and she seems a bit disinterested with her replies, but will still speak to me. I would love to get back to how we were and would not like to rush things and possibly try again I would hate to put pressure on her or make any worse. She is really nice person generally, great to get along with and funny and really enjoyed being in her company. She is also quite attractive to me both physically and emotionally/mentally or however its phrased, and I generally blush, shake and get butterflies feeling when I see her occasionally, I even used to do before I started speaking to her but had not much shaking if not any then.

Sorry if that went on for a while, hope someone can share their ideas and thoughts on this.

Thanks
Rhys

Tom fod
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice

Post by Tom fod » Tue Dec 12, 2017 8:49 am

I don't think you've said or done anything wrong, The timing may not have been right but you said what you felt. Not having a good sense of self esteem and wanting/needing a higher degree of cerainty makes things more dfifficult.

I will expand on this later.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
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Ram
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice

Post by Ram » Tue Dec 12, 2017 5:57 pm

The delicate topic of human relationships, romantic or otherwise, is always a tough thing to advise on because it's never a black and white issue.

However, I'll give you my opinion, as a 50 something with a few failed relationships behind him. Reading between the lines, it seems to me that just maybe you came across to the woman in question as a bit too keen and therefore 'needy.' I admit that I've been that way in my time before.

Neediness can be a big turn off to prospective partners of either gender. One quote I try to remember is that "the scarce resource is the resource which is most valued." In other words, don't be too available to a prospective partner because that might be seen as low self-worth, which scares them off.

Regarding what to do from now, I would say the main immediate priority for you is to maintain your dignity and self-respect. If I were you, I'd do my best to be polite and personable but not overly solicitous when you're around this woman for the next few months.

I can't say whether things will go back to how they were before. But whatever the outcome, please try to be realistically positive by viewing this as a valuable life experience to learn from.

Anyway, this is my two cents worth. I apologise if I've inadvertently said anything that is crass, patronising or blindingly obvious at such a delicate time. #-o

Tom fod
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice

Post by Tom fod » Sat Dec 16, 2017 7:20 am

Did you have a sense of everyone in the office will be talking about this and could that have been something she was also mindful of?
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

RGabb
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice

Post by RGabb » Sat Dec 16, 2017 10:11 am

Thanks for you replies much appreciated, sorry in delay in getting back.

Ill try answer both of you at the same time. Having reviewed it more and after reading what both you have said, I feel it was mainly because I feel pressured in to finding someone as i am now in to my twenties and most other people i know have someone in their life. I think it didn't help that work colleagues found out, she wasn't bothered people knew or that she was being talked about, however as it was an open plan office if she walked by, people used to look at her and smile and then at me afterwards. However I think because the people in office were asking me questions, like do fancy her and this that and the other questions it kind of made it worse as I developed feelings for her quicker than I wanted to because of that, this lead to me rushing and ruining it as i became in my own bubble thinking she may like me and not realising she was just being friendly still however some things she said did sound a bit more liked she liked me a bit but I guess not. I would liked to of kept it a bit more quieter, but it didn't help a colleague at work did appear in the bar where me and the girl I was on my original first date with was and then asked is this a date, and my immediate reaction was no as I wasn't sure how she felt, but she said yes and didn't hear that I said no. So then I agreed with her if it was a date after he left. I do have a habit though of been quite enthusiastic and keen to most things I do, while not a bad thing, obviously wasn't good in this situation.

I do miss the friendship to be honest as it was a connection I never had with someone before, we did get on really well and we had other things planned such as another date and going to her house after she invited me. It would be good if me and her could talk about it and to what she wants from me, how she feels about what happened and what we can do it make it better again. However she doesn't seem interested in telling me or talking to me for long in general, I've told her how I feel a couple of times and what I would like which is just be good friends again and do things together as friends when she feels ready, cause that's what we were just with these outings classed as dates I guess. It's confusing to be honest. if I do become close friends again which i would be very happy about, and we started doing things together and classing them as dates again, I would take it at her pace and would hope not many or little people find out because that didn't help as mentioned. As you can see i really want this to work but if she isn't willing to then i cant.

Ram
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice

Post by Ram » Sat Dec 16, 2017 10:56 am

RGabb wrote:Having reviewed it more and after reading what both you have said, I feel it was mainly because I feel pressured in to finding someone as i am now in to my twenties and most other people i know have someone in their life.
I have often felt pressured by society into having someone. It's a really strong force that is hard to ignore. But I think the cold reality is that a lot of couples are seriously unhappy and are actually far worse off than single people. However, of course being a couple is great if you're one of the fortunate happy ones.
RGabb wrote:As you can see i really want this to work but if she isn't willing to then i cant.
You are definitely dealing with this situation in a very sensible way, and I commend you for this. I hope she appreciates this good side to your character. I wish you all the best and hope that things fall in place for you.

Tom fod
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice

Post by Tom fod » Sat Dec 16, 2017 8:34 pm

I second what Ram has written. I hope you find someone or your friendship with your colleague blossoms. Lots of relationships occur through people we meet through work. There are of course some pitfalls in respect office relationships such as being under the microscope/and the subjects of the rumour mill which may well also have been a factor in her being a bit spooked. I too find 'playing it cool' to be very difficult and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I find 'pressure' from well meaning friends/colleagues is a bit of a hindrance, as is the sense that everyone else seems to be happily coupled up. As Ram says you have to try to avoid seeming desperate or needy (even though you feel the urge to openly declare your feelings openly right there and then).

Do all you can to maintain a working friendship but leave the next move to her. I can't very well tell you to resist the urge to keep turning over in your mind what you did wrong as I'd be, in fact I know I do the same!
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

RGabb
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice

Post by RGabb » Sat Dec 16, 2017 9:01 pm

Thanks, me too, The feeling i get its he inst bothered so probably doesn't think that much into it so probably wont see that side, could be wrong like but hard to tell. I would like to meet someone, however after this, i feel less interested in it, wouldn't say ive been put off, as i would like to do it again. I feel ok being on my own but obviously, I'll try to see if i can keep a friendship going with her and if things go well over time then i would love that and would be happy. Talking of which not sure how to really do that, what I mean by that as i m not sure what to say because i fear she will ignore me or if she replies, the conversation will not last long. In person is better but again not as long, and as mentioned as she seems disinterested I need to find a way of bringing her interest back but not sure how to do that obviously i cant force her to do that and i wouldn't want to, but would be nice if she was just like when i first started talking to her. People at work say just leave her either until some point next year and then trying speaking to her or move on completely from her. Dont know if she would make a move to be honest, need to fix the disinterest and feelings first.

Mbn56
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice

Post by Mbn56 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 4:46 pm

I would advise having a bit of time apart, make some space from her and reminding yourself you can be happy alone too so you can tone it down in your mind. Then when you're feeling less lovesick, invite her out as friends, spend time with her and do some fun things together and see where it goes and if it blossoms into something more.

Dan
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice

Post by Dan » Fri Dec 22, 2017 3:17 am

It was totally reasonable to ask if she liked you, and I don't really think there's anything you could have done to change the outcome - sometimes girls/guys just aren't interested, or are perhaps turned off over time. Don't sweat it! Just be proud that you actually made a move - it took me a while to learn to have the confidence to do that as a teenager.

RGabb
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice

Post by RGabb » Tue Dec 26, 2017 9:44 pm

Thank you, me too hope it goes well when I speak to her next (not planning until around mid to late Feb or early March, unless she speaks to me before then, would be nice if we could be friends and turned into something more it would make me very happy, however i am happy either way it goes. Thanks Dan, few people have told me they wouldn't of asked that in that way because they weren't confident enough to I wouldn't even class myself as that confident, I think dating has helped me with my confidence anyway and what i like and want.

RGabb
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice - Update

Post by RGabb » Sat Feb 17, 2018 10:44 pm

Hi Guys

Just thought I would post an update

I attempted to speak to her again she is was happy to speak to me in person and we were talking to each like it was like before anything happened which was a bout two weeks ago. However prior to this conversation just mentioned, I spoke to her previously a two weeks before, that too went well, i asked how she is feeling about us, and she said " we are good, we get on well on well etc". So i then asked can i message you again just a friends and she said yeah course, i confirmed by asking as long as its ok with you, i don't want to do it don't want me to and she said yeah its fine. So i attempted to message her however she never replied she read the message. i thought she may have been busy so i tried a couple days later, again the same issue, no reply and just reads the message. She then blocks me on facebook (didn't realise this at the time) neither message was offensive or rude, i was just being friendly.

So back to the top sentence, i spoke to her again two weeks ago, all went well had a 40 min chat with each other and everything was good. Towards the end of the conversation i asked her are sure you are ok with me speaking to you outside work and she said yeah and i said cause i won't if you don't want me to, she said no it's ok. So I then asked how come you haven't replied to me and she said she was busy that week. I asked would you reply if i messaged you later and she said yeah. When i asked those questions she did go quiet so i knew something wasn't right, but I was hoping she would just tell me how she felt. Still at this point unawares she had blocked me. I then attempted to speak to her again after feeling quite positive after the convo and she saying i could, this time via a different form of social media, after i couldn't send her a message on facebook which came the suspicion something wasn't right, but didn't click she blocked me at this point. she then read the message on the other social media, then blocked me i verified this with the online help for the platform and she has. so i went back to facebook and tried to load her profile etc and it couldn't be found etc, so knew she had blocked me.

So for some reason she is all good with me in person, but wont speak to me outside work, you would of thought she could tell me she didn't want me to speak to her anymore that is all I wanted her to say if she didn't feel right. The last girl i liked said that. I don't understand why. Anyway I thought i'd just update you. I am not going to attempt to do anything now with her I am moving on, but have learnt a fair bit from this: mainly not to rush, take it slow, its is ok to ask if they like you but probably not after one date, don't put all your effort into one girl especially at the beginning and don't care as much. I will be honest, I was quiet happy she blocked me, finally sorted out the stress, worry and overthinking (may need to go to a doctor about that seems to have got worse since dating this girl (not her fault) ) and could just let it go, it felt good. I am currently trying to find someone else in my spare time, tried messaging a few girls on a dating website but had no luck yet, keep on going ill find someone hopefully.

Tom fod
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice - Update

Post by Tom fod » Mon Feb 19, 2018 11:52 pm

I think we're inclined to overthink these things which unfortunately can often put us at odds with others. There are a whole load of unspoken rules and different people interpret these in different ways. Can I ask what you said in the message that then resulted in her blocking you? (completely understand you may prefer not to). Maybe she just wants to be pleasant and courteous to you at work but is just not ready or open to an office romance with you or anyone else right now? There are lots of possibilities and speculation is not likely to produce the correct answer.

People in general don't like to be confrontational and if put on the spot with a why did you do this/say that may not be as direct or openly honest as we might be. It's a complete minefield and appearing too keen/desperate can scare people away even though we have a need to know exactly where we stand because we don't necessarily see / struggle in interpreting non verbal social cues. I wish I knew I knew the secrets too! I guess neither of us has found the right person yet.

Hope this helps you with next time.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

RGabb
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice

Post by RGabb » Thu Mar 01, 2018 9:02 pm

Hi Tom

Sorry for the delayed response. Yeah overthinking is very annoying however all people do it, however I feel us Dyspraxic people probably overthink way more due to anxiety around the situation. Yeah, based on what I can remember what I said (I deleted the chat history as I got a bit annoyed with how acted after the time and effort I spent on her) is that I said "I am glad we are good, what are doing with your week off next week?". turns out that was facepalm moment as she wasn't taking time off I understood what she said wrong. She read and ignored that message, however she remembered I asked her that as she brought it up when i mention it last time I spoke to her in person. As she didn't reply to that last message i thought well probably because I understood it wrong. I then tried again, the next message was I asked about zipline in Wales. I said " saw you at work today, some reason thought you were off this week. I am planning to do zipline in Wales with a friend, is going on a zipline something you'd do?" to try and build conversation again. Again she read and ignored me. Then I didn't speak to her for about 2 weeks. Then saw her in person again happy to speak to me asked if could speak to her outside work again she was happy with it. Sent her another message cant remember what I said on this one but like the other tow is was a just another being friendly. After that one she blocked me however I was unaware at this point. Spoke to her the third time, again was happy to speak to me and conversation was good and lasted a while, asked if could speak to her and said only if you want me to, i wont if you don't want me to and she said no its ok i don't mind. I said you will reply wont you and she said yeah. still unawares she blocked me. tried messaging her again but then couldn't' so used another form again being friendly but then she blocked me on that too after I sent it. Haven't spoke to her since. on the odd occasion i see her briefly but i try not to look at her.

That may be the case Tom however I don't really know and I doubt I will be able to find out from her and not bothered anymore really, she doesn't care about me so why should i give her anymore thought after the hassle (overthinking, worry and stress) and spending time, money and effort trying to make it work. Yeah that is true, I always like to know where I stand and that is what is so stressful about dating not knowing the cues and how they feel and basically being kept in limbo, the people at work I asked say when people go out with each other it just sort of happens, however I'd need to know, basically by asking will you be my girlfriend sort of thing.Thanks anyway for the advice, I hope you find someone like I hope to do too. Just need to find a way of controlling my overthinking and anxiety.

Tom fod
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Re: Friendship/relationship advice

Post by Tom fod » Fri Mar 02, 2018 10:21 pm

I think the difficulty is that people are in many ways just as forgetful as us and annoyingly and frustratingly lax at responding to messages. Because we’re less secure we can interpret it as them really not caring, when actually they’re juggling a lot of things and they don’t realise we’re placing a much more significant value on how they or whether they respond and how quickly. If we then send them multiple messages they can find it a bit weird or tiresome so we then start to feel like we can’t do anything right. Oh to be relaxed!

A close female friend of mine struggles quite badly if I fail to respond to her messages. I can be, infuriatingly/worryingly unaware of the fact she has messaged me as my phone is on charge in the other room and I’m happily in my own little world in another room until I spot I have a bunch of missed calls.We do get on very well but sadly I do feel friend zoned but I am mindful of her feelings and fears. Life especially relationships are so bloody confusing.


I hope you enjoy(d) the zip lining?I had a go at it at a place in BC Canada in 2010, near Whistler iirc. Would quite like to go to place in N Wales too!
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

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