Your opinions please re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

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Ram
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Re: Your opinions please re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby Ram » Thu Apr 13, 2017 8:41 pm

[
Jim said: ....few seem to consider that perhaps those people had some trauma or issues of their own which are no less valid than our ours.


Be that as it may, I think it's beyond the scope of this website to deal with non-dyspraxics' issues or traumas. Especially when they talk about dyspraxics rather than to dyspraxics. We should be looking after our own first!

It's also important to remember that dyspraxics who are significantly further on the continuum already have low self-esteem and do not need to hear views like some of those posted.

I'm also a believer in the expression silence is consent. And this is one place where we should not be silent about people who make negative generalizations about dyspraxics. A remark by a white person that came across as racist would not be tolerated on a website for African Americans no matter what that white person's intent was. And I don't think we should be any different.

I don't think we are ever going to agree on this matter but it is good that we are airing our views.

Finally, I should say that Tom has improved massively by adding his moderator's comments on those offending posts. =D>

Jim
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Re: Your opinions please re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby Jim » Thu Apr 13, 2017 11:22 pm

You're correct.. we're not going to agree.

But that's ok.

Tom fod
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Re: Your opinions please re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby Tom fod » Fri Apr 14, 2017 12:14 am

Interpretation is going to vary dependant on one's own personal standpoint. Hannah's generalising rant about dyspraxic people was entirely unfair and if you're a single person unlucky in love and relationships and blaming oneself and ones dyspraxia for that predicament, reading that and similar posts is going to cut deeply and likely cause feelings of self doubt, even anger, to arise.

I'm not sure we will ever get to read Hannah's ex's side but it's not for us to second guess or speculate why they broke up. I will say I suspect it was for the best and hope they can both move forwards separately and find happiness.

I think it is equally valid to take the view that since her post was a general rant based on her own feelings and experience and aimed at another person, not me, I can choose not to be bothered or upset by it. My Caveat in essence states that the views expressed are those of an individual, potentially offensive and in general counter to those views generally held by most members of our online community. I did have a dyspraxic gentleman once suggest we might have an area of the site for 'long suffering partners' but I politely expressed the view that I really didn't think that was appropriate since our group is for us first.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

Ram
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Re: Your opinions please re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby Ram » Fri Apr 14, 2017 11:45 am

....I can choose not to be bothered or upset by it.


If that is the best a post can do, it really is of no benefit to this site.

Every post on this website should be written to either help or interest (at least) some dyspraxic people or to ask for guidance from dyspraxic people.

IMO, anything which does not do one of these three things does not belong here (or should at least contain a moderator's note that challenges the poster's attitude).

One again Tom, I would like to express my appreciation for your moderator's comments.
Last edited by Ram on Fri Apr 14, 2017 8:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Jim
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Re: Your opinions please re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby Jim » Fri Apr 14, 2017 6:03 pm

I'm sorry, but from where is that quote taken?

If it's from one of mine then you could have least quoted the actual text instead of paraphrasing it and hence altering its context.

Although I accept that I could be wrong here, I believe that you have chosen to take an unbalanced view on this.

You are of course welcome to your view but please do not insinuate that I've been in some way unhelpful or that my view does not belong here.

That is unfair as I have not written anything offensive or unreasonable. What I have done is elect to consider multiple vantage points. Not simply my own.

Tom fod
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Re: Your opinions please re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby Tom fod » Fri Apr 14, 2017 6:54 pm

Jim and Ram

That quote was taken from a post of mine and in isolation. So in interests of moderating I'm going to put it into context. Sadly everyone will come across people who hold views that are at odds with our own and that may anger and/or upset us. I find that I sometimes care too much and have a tendency to go off the deep end (- Is Donald Trump Dyspraxic? What about George W?). I do try to be moderate here 8-)

Occasionally we'll get people people airing somewhat controversial points of view on this site. Moderator options include adding a warning/caveat to the post, or deleting it and banning or removing the poster and their posts. In the case of Hannah and other contributors to the thread in question, we/I have so far chosen not to censor and instead let members have the chance to challenge the views expressed. I think it's a good opportunity to be able to have the chance to challenge (or observe others challenging) such views in a 'safe' environment to better prepare ourselves for what we may well face, and have to deal with, outside of these pages.

Tom fod wrote:Interpretation is going to vary dependant on one's own personal standpoint. Hannah's generalising rant about dyspraxic people was entirely unfair and if you're a single person unlucky in love and relationships and blaming oneself and ones dyspraxia for that predicament, reading that and similar posts is going to cut deeply and likely cause feelings of self doubt, even anger, to arise.

I'm not sure we will ever get to read Hannah's ex's side but it's not for us to second guess or speculate why they broke up. I will say I suspect it was for the best and hope they can both move forwards separately and find happiness.

I think it is equally valid to take the view that since her post was a general rant based on her own feelings and experience and aimed at another person, not me, I can choose not to be bothered or upset by it. My Caveat in essence states that the views expressed are those of an individual, potentially offensive and in general counter to those views generally held by most members of our online community. I did have a dyspraxic gentleman once suggest we might have an area of the site for 'long suffering partners' but I politely expressed the view that I really didn't think that was appropriate since our group is for us first.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

Ram
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Re: Your opinions please re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby Ram » Fri Apr 14, 2017 7:55 pm

Jim and Tom,

I apologize for any confusion I may have caused.

I didn't bother writing Tom said on the quote because it was taken from what was the most recent post on this thread at the time.

In the future , I'll always take the trouble to name the poster when quoting to prevent any such misunderstandings from happening again .

Anyway Tom, thank you for listening to all the views expressed on this opinions thread. And I think you've taken a very sensible option on how to deal with potentially offensive posts.

Jim
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Re: Your opinions please re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby Jim » Fri Apr 14, 2017 8:01 pm

Nope...my error. Should've read better #-o

Humblest apologies.

Ram
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Re: Your opinions please re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby Ram » Wed Apr 19, 2017 6:23 pm

Jim said:

Nope...my error. Should've read better #-o

Humblest apologies.


Sorry for getting back rather late on this. I really appreciate your apology. However, I still feel I was not being reader friendly enough by not giving Tom's name.

If it confused you as a person who has been active on this thread, I hate to think how confusing it was to any other readers!

The moral of the story is always put yourself in the shoes of the reader before posting. This especially true in long threads with many contributors. And that means (among other things) taking the trouble to name as well as quote a previous poster on the thread.

Jim
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Re: Your opinions please re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby Jim » Wed Apr 19, 2017 6:46 pm

Tis all good.

I still got my bit wrong and misconstrued you. That fault was not yours, it was mine for not reading the previous couple of posts effectively.

Ram
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Re: Your opinions please re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby Ram » Wed Apr 19, 2017 8:19 pm

Jim said:

Tis all good.

I still got my bit wrong and misconstrued you. That fault was not yours, it was mine for not reading the previous couple of posts effectively.


No problem Jim. That is easily done,

Anyway, I'd like to finally clear up the original matter we were debating about. I said that a few posters on this thread had gotten out of hand and suggested that some kind of moderation might be beneficial. Your counterargument was (if I understood you correctly) on the lines of "Think first to avoid over reacting."

As you know, Tom has recently chosen a policy of putting a moderator's warning on potentially offensive posts. I think this policy effectively takes into account both your perspective and my perspective on the matter. That means our original discussion point on this thread has now been rendered irrelevant. It is even possible that this 'opinions' thread has now run its course.

Would you like to share any further thoughts on this?

pendragon
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Re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby pendragon » Tue Jul 04, 2017 3:08 pm

pendragon wrote:I'm so glad that a moderator has intervened on this thread.

To put this in perspective: I was diagnosed as dyspraxic aged 10, and have struggled forming relationships of any kind throughout my life, not just romantic ones. Fortunately I have been with my current partner for nearly thirteen years. She is probably exasperated by my inability to do maths or remember where to put things, but she manages to keep a good sense of humour about it and always defends me if other people make unthinking comments.

Reading this thread, I can see I'm one of the lucky ones. Please bear in mind that if you enter "Dyspraxia relationships" in a search engine, this is the thread that comes up. Imagine how harmful and upsetting it would be if a single person came on here looking for support and advice, only to find partners of dyspraxics criticising and pathologising them. I was particularly disturbed by the poster who talked about "surviving" a relationship with a dyspraxic, as though he was some kind of monster, and directly attributing it to his disability. I would be devastated if I thought my partner was dissecting me like a case study.

Tom fod
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Re: In a relationship with a man with dyspraxia.

Postby Tom fod » Tue Jul 04, 2017 10:49 pm

pendragon wrote:I'm so glad that a moderator has intervened on this thread. . .as above


Hi Pendragon

I've tried recreating your search but fortunately I'm not finding that item in the top results. Hannah's post definitely touched a raw nerve for me and I did have to calm myself before responding.

I do take your point re someone new to the forum being upset but I feel that the unpalatable views expressed have not gone unchallenged and responses from members are balanced and show up the detractors for what they are and showing that their views are not the.whole story. IMHO Hannah's ex is well rid but we only have Hannah's less than objective side to the story.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)


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