Not all Doom and Gloom?

Talk about socialising, making friends and relationships

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Tom fod
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Not all Doom and Gloom?

Postby Tom fod » Wed Mar 15, 2017 11:37 pm

Appreciate that finding love and relationships are a source of confusion, missed chances and misery for quite a few of us.

But in the interests of positivity can anyone offer some tips or helpful hints that might offer some hope to those of us, including me who feel left out when it comes to love.

Appreciate this is a bit subjective.

Over to you
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

welshwizard
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Re: Not all Doom and Gloom?

Postby welshwizard » Fri Mar 17, 2017 9:43 am

I guess I've just been incredibly lucky on this front - I met my now wife when we were both in school many years ago, and we've been together since. That puts me in the odd position of not really knowing a lot about dating, but maybe having a few thoughts on what I think is a good relationship in my limited experience - if it helps.

1, I think the joy of a good relationship is in the giving rather than in seeing what you can 'get out of it' - loving someone for the sake of loving them (does that make sense)? I hear a lot of people saying things like 'I do (whatever) all the time, and my partner never does (whatever) for me' etc. I don't think a healthy relationship should be a score keeping exercise. I guess there's a fine line though between unconditionally loving someone and being taken advantage of/abused though - and nobody should put up with that - if someone doesn't respect you or treat you with love then maybe that's not a person you should be with?

2. I think a lot of people, when single, can get a bit obsessed about finding a long term relationship - I don't know, but I do hear from friends of both sexes that dating people who come across as being desperate for their new partner to be 'the one' is off-putting. Maybe just hang out for a bit, get to know people, have fun?

3. Trust and communication are important. Being honest with people is important - maybe not making your personal foibles into your whole identity (eg "Hi there I'm Bob, I'm dyspraxic and suffer from crippling anxiety, want to go out sometime?"), but at the same time not trying to be someone else or lying to people - it's OK to be you, and you want someone to want to be with you, not some invented person. That doesn't mean you can't make an extra effort to dress up, or to be nice, if you're taking someone out. Trust is really important. If you're with someone and they have friends of the opposite sex, or they want to go out with friends, or whatever it is you're insecure about, you have to respect them enough to trust them (and you deserve this respect too). If you are still insecure, it's OK to talk about your feelings with your partner, but not to try to control their movements and behaviour.

4. Don't give up on things when a relationship isn't like some rom com or instagram picture. Keep talking to each other. It can take work.

Umm... That was a bit stream of consciousness-y, and I hope it makes sense and is of some help to someone? At any rate, like I said, I don't know anything about 'dating' really, and it's probably changed a lot since I was a teenager!

Tom fod
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Re: Not all Doom and Gloom?

Postby Tom fod » Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:00 am

welshwizard wrote: 2. I think a lot of people, when single, can get a bit obsessed about finding a long term relationship - I don't know, but I do hear from friends of both sexes that dating people who come across as being desperate for their new partner to be 'the one' is off-putting. Maybe just hang out for a bit, get to know people, have fun?


Thanks

I believe dating is a lot more complicated now, what with online dating apps and social media and I suspect many of us singletons feel under scrutiny. I've no doubt I come across as a bit desperate and have currently given up my online dating activity as it was only serving to make me miserable as I was piling pressure on myself. People seem increasingly demanding (and I don't think I can exclude myself here) and if you don't tick all their boxes they can move along to the next profile (or swipe left or whatever),

Ive had plenty of dating failures but at least one of these I can look on as a lucky escape; A couple of years ago I was chatting to a lady and we'd agreed to meet only for me to 'put my foot in it' by revealing I'd been on a walk to see some daffodils with my friends, one of whom works for a wildlife trust. This resulted in her deciding I was perhaps 'some kind of romantic effeminate type' rather than the knuckle dragging neanderthal she wanted to drag her back to his cave and stick her on his home fashioned rack! ? and she was gone! (Sorry I have a warped sense of humour and am apt to lowering the tone/going to the extreme at times).

Being Dyspraxic is only a part of our identity and we need to be accepted and accept ourselves as a whole being. No one is perfect and trying to be so is boring exhausting and unsustainable.

I think that's probably more than my 2Ps worth
Over to you lot Don't be shy now 8-) . . . .
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)

Jim
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Re: Not all Doom and Gloom?

Postby Jim » Sun Mar 26, 2017 8:14 am

I know all too well the longing and feeling of loneliness. But there really is no silver bullet to it.

One thing I learnt is that you have to take advice with a pinch of salt. When I listened to other people's advice I found myself propelled into situations that simply weren't right for me.

In the end, I'd basically given up searching for a relationship and decided to slightly change my lifestyle to become more social. And then incredibly a relationship found me.

With me and my girlfriend there was no special tricks or courting etiquette.. just nice relaxed open and honest communication. No pressure... and we just kind of clicked.

Ram
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Re: Not all Doom and Gloom?

Postby Ram » Mon Mar 27, 2017 7:53 pm

Jim said:In the end, I'd basically given up searching for a relationship and decided to slightly change my lifestyle to become more social. And then incredibly a relationship found me.

With me and my girlfriend there was no special tricks or courting etiquette.. just nice relaxed open and honest communication. No pressure... and we just kind of clicked.


That is great advice. Worth far more than those websites of pua/game advice! It's also great to hear something happy in the relationship section of this website.

pendragon
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Re: Not all Doom and Gloom?

Postby pendragon » Mon Apr 03, 2017 10:14 pm

These are all good points. Being dyspraxic AND gay (hardly the easiest combination!), I'd convinced myself I'd be single forever. In fact, the instant I stopped pining after unattainable people and behaving like an even klutzier Bridget Jones, I met my other half.

Real life relationships aren't like a romcom or fairy tale. They take work and commitment. Don't filter everything through your ego - try to understand what your partner is thinking and feeling. Make each other laugh. (It may sound mundane, but the couple that laughs together stays together). Make time for each other. It's worth the work you put into it, believe me.

rmel82
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Re: Not all Doom and Gloom?

Postby rmel82 » Sat Aug 26, 2017 6:04 pm

I've given up on most dating websites however I heard that okcupid was more open minded so I've gone there specifically asking for a neurodiverse partner so far been contacted by a guy who is dyslexic. Being very open about my problems might be the way to go, I've specified that I want someone who is neurodiverse or positive about neurodiversity (bit scared I might get someone who doesn't do well with women or someone who thinks I am easier to manipulate).

Apart from okcupid and maybe a disable dating site I am thinking that I might just go out and socialise and meet new people as dating sites have never worked for me. One thing however that did work was joining a group for people with mental health conditions (along with dyspraxia I have social anxiety) a friend of mine told me this is quite a common combo. While a member of that group I meet a very lovely guy with ADHD we dated for about half a year but split due to wanting different things from life. I am thinking of doing a combination of socialising/joining groups for people with hidden conditions that meetup in a physical space.

I am mainly done with online dating as I feel that there is very little that is suitable by way of online dating for those with hidden conditions.

Jim
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Re: Not all Doom and Gloom?

Postby Jim » Thu Sep 28, 2017 9:20 am

Focusing on getting out there and being social is definitely a positive thing to do. Even if only to make new friends and develop some dormant social skills.

It's what I did... although ironically in the end it was still online dating which finally succeeded for me. Although not in the way I expected. I kept my accounts open but was not really searching for anyone. My now girlfriend saw my profile, sent me a message and it grew from there.

Basically, just keep your options open.

Desert Rose
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Re: Not all Doom and Gloom?

Postby Desert Rose » Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:42 am

This was something I used to worry about allot, particularly because most women and infact most people have been alienated/put off by me for my 'different' behavior and way of thinking. There's that and the fact I feel unable to really connect at all with my age group. In recent years this is something I've come to terms with more, and I know this probably isn't the most helpful advice, but I seem to have just stopped caring. Personally I've come to realize that I'm actually a happier person on my own. The point I'm making is, and I know it's a difficult thing to do from my own experience, but it's just one of those things that it's not a bad idea to let go of and just let it happen in it's own time without forcing it. This in my experience is the kind of attitude that helps, but then again we're not all the same.


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