Advice please

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CMS
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Advice please

Post by CMS » Sun Feb 26, 2017 12:23 am

Hello,
I just the other night have been told that my partner (24 yo male) has dyspraxcia. I have a clinical understanding of this condition as I am studying psychology. However, due to me not knowing about his condition in the 10 months we've been together I've gotten agitated by little things like, improper use of words (being a university student this can be irritating), his (undiagnosed) OCD which effects my diagnosed OCD, and constant repeating of stories and even in a conversation he'll repeat the same thing over and over, unrealistic plans (getting married within 2 months of knowing each other, moving into my uni house etc) and me having to tell him it's too soon all the time and worst of all him shutting me out. I now feel bad as I know he doesn't have a choice about it and in previous arguments he's always said he wants to change to be "the man I need" but knowing his diagnosis completely changes everything. I love him very much and we nearly broke up last week (before I knew his diagnosis) and I now feel so bad. Any advise on how to cope?

I'm finding it quite hard as I love him to bits and want to be with him but am unsure practically how to not cause him to have his bad days.

I don't want it to seem like a rant about what's wrong with him cause I have many faults myself I just want to understand how to help him more.

Tom fod
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Re: Advice please

Post by Tom fod » Sun Feb 26, 2017 7:13 pm

CMS wrote:Hello,
I just the other night have been told that my partner (24 yo male) has dyspraxcia. I have a clinical understanding of this condition as I am studying psychology. However, due to me not knowing about his condition in the 10 months we've been together I've gotten agitated by little things like, improper use of words (being a university student this can be irritating), his (undiagnosed) OCD which effects my diagnosed OCD, and constant repeating of stories and even in a conversation he'll repeat the same thing over and over, unrealistic plans (getting married within 2 months of knowing each other, moving into my uni house etc) and me having to tell him it's too soon all the time and worst of all him shutting me out. I now feel bad as I know he doesn't have a choice about it and in previous arguments he's always said he wants to change to be "the man I need" but knowing his diagnosis completely changes everything. I love him very much and we nearly broke up last week (before I knew his diagnosis) and I now feel so bad. Any advise on how to cope?

I'm finding it quite hard as I love him to bits and want to be with him but am unsure practically how to not cause him to have his bad days.

I don't want it to seem like a rant about what's wrong with him cause I have many faults myself I just want to understand how to help him more.
and
CMS wrote:Hello,
I have a similar situation, my partner only told me a couple of days ago about his diagnosis of dyspraxcia. He felt that during our (so far) 10 month relationship, that it wasn't important. But I've felt very isolated due to his behaviour sometimes and not knowing about his condition it caused a lot of arguments, it is hard but I'm glad he's told me now so I know. And we can work it out together, I think our last argument made him realise he was very close to loosing me for something I now know isn't his fault and that why he decided to tell me. I love him very much and we'll have our problems but if it's worth fighting for we will. And know you're not alone. :)
Please try also to see this from your boyfriends PoV. His trying to explain why he is 'a bit different to others' is never an easy thing and guys Dyspraxic or otherwise are not used to this sort of thing .

Should anyone have to constantly try to explain themselves? Dyspraxia is not something that can be succinctly explained and the very nature of the condition mean that emotionally charged conversations are doubly difficult.

Unless you have the condition you can't really know what it is like! You must also not forget that even though we have this label we are all unique individuals borne of a variety of different life experiences and learned behaviours. It's quite possible the repetition is his way of trying to make himself understood. Previous negative experiences may have meant he's simply given up trying to explain himself. I can understand you feel hurt by his failure to tell you of his dyspraxia but it is not something that is easy to explain. Many of us will only tell a very few few people either in situations where we feel we have to or to those we really trust as we hope they have already accepted us.

I feel I should take your post in the spirit in which it was meant but it unfortunately does come across as a little bit patronising. However I want to respond rather than react as 'giving you both barrels' isn't going to help.

I would also caution that he needs to be himself and he can't expect to be perfect all of the time. His wanting to 'be the man you need' is admirable but he needs to be careful that in doing so he does not lose the bits of him you already love. you sound like you both love each other very much. I think you'll have to be patient in your efforts to get him to open up about his fears and be mindful that such conversations are likely going to be difficult but for both of you, patience will pay off.

Please note spelling is Dyspraxia NOT dyspraxcia I appreciate that most people choose to write in an informal style here but Please do be careful when moaning his' incorrect use of words. I doubt he is doing it wilfully. It may be worth you asking how you can help him most usefully.

It would be great if there was more research into the psychology of neuro diversity and the challenges of communication we all experience.

Thanks for posting and sorry If I've come across a bit too fiercely. I find if I care about something passionately it can be difficult to let things go and I forget that others' appreciation of something may differ from my own.
Last edited by Tom fod on Sun Feb 26, 2017 10:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Cuz I can!
Tom
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