Being honest with difficult friends and relatives

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otis_b_flywheel
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Being honest with difficult friends and relatives

Postby otis_b_flywheel » Tue Jan 03, 2017 9:17 pm

A Happy New Year to all.
Does anyone else struggle with significant others and / or friends whose behaviour you find unacceptable? Stupid question perhaps - I suppose everyone does! But for dyspraxics I think it's more difficult to express this discomfort verbally to the people concerned without causing offence / being seen to have a short fuse. I therefore tend to bite my lip a lot of the time and then feel stressed and compromised.
Any thoughts?
Tim
Tim

"I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome."

Tom fod
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Re: Being honest with difficult friends and relatives

Postby Tom fod » Fri Jan 06, 2017 10:42 pm

Hi Tim and Happy new Year to you and anyone else reading this.

I think we often tend to lack confidence and where emotive issues are involved we (like anyone) can struggle to get our point across well.

I think the truth is, few people can resist resorting to underhand tactics, like unfairly accusing the other person of being unreasonable in order to gain the upper hand in an argument. 'Reasonable' is of course subjective as we will all have differing perspectives.

I find that I have a strong sense of what is right or wrong and I don't like uncertainty (of which there is plenty where life and Dyspraxia are concerned). I care (perhaps too strongly sometimes) If I feel other people are trying to undermine that and perhaps forget to also consider the reasoning for their point of view.

Diplomacy is being able to tell someone to Go to Hell in such a way as they're looking forward to the trip. Asserting oneself calmly is not always easy and no one can be perfect all of the time. I find I over analyse and beat myself up even when I am partly/mostly (or dare I say it Totally) right. At times I'm too timid and at others I can be very reactionary. Watch Out! Of course I try to set a good example here I think it's important for everyone to have a chance to be 'heard'.

What do others think?
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
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yayitsronnie
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Re: Being honest with difficult friends and relatives

Postby yayitsronnie » Sun Jan 08, 2017 1:22 am

Hiya Tim,

I have the exact same problem and it's caused me issues throughout my entire life. I have learnt to now only say something if it's a big issue which needs addressing. Otherwise I will try to ignore it and remain quiet as I'm not very tactful, as I'm sure alot of us aren't, and I can say things in a way which others interperate as being harsh (but in my mind is perfectly fine!)

Another tool I use, thanks to the wonderful world of modern day communication, is to text/whatsapp people when something they do bothers me. This way I don't have to say it to their face and come off as a bit aggressive. I have time to think thoroughly about what I'm saying and how it comes across. I also sometimes show my friends first what I want to say, so they can read through it and check it's put in the right way. I have an understanding friend who is very good at re wording some of the things I say lol.

Hope this helps a little :).

otis_b_flywheel
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Re: Being honest with difficult friends and relatives

Postby otis_b_flywheel » Sun Jan 08, 2017 6:30 pm

"Diplomacy is being able to tell someone to Go to Hell in such a way as they're looking forward to the trip."
Great phrase Tom - if only doing it were that easy!
Thanks to you and Ronnie for your comments. No straightforward answer of course - I think if there was I would have found it by now!
I have been looking on-line for generic advice on dealing with difficult relatives, and there is some reasonable stuff, but it leans heavily on "being honest" that I think is hard for us dyspraxics as we're inclined to come across as just blunt!
Tim

"I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome."

Tom fod
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Re: Being honest with difficult friends and relatives

Postby Tom fod » Mon Jan 09, 2017 11:52 pm

I didn't mean to imply there was a simple solution. I wanted to suggest that your difficulty may just as much be down to these peoples attitudes and possible incorrect perceptions than entirely due to (y)our lack of confidence in addressing their unacceptable behaviour. Sometimes you have to choose your battles and accept you just can't win with some people and make a tactical withdrawal.

With some people blunt may be the only way and a 'big falling out' after the airing of a few home truths could even have a positive outcome in the longer term. You know the people concerned better than we do and will have a better feel for what is most appropriate/workable way to handle them. Charm and diplomacy is of course the most desirable way but if people are not receptive there is not a lot you can do except hope that something or someone helps them to see the light. Improvements may only be small and slower in coming than we might hope.

You seem willing to try and as dyspraxics determination abd empathy are often among our strengths as well as a strong dislike of the unjust/unfair which we can find hard to ignore. I don't give up sasily and that's not always a good thing as some things are beyond what we can realistically hope to influence.
Last edited by Tom fod on Tue Jan 10, 2017 12:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
Tom
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With a foot full of bullets I tried to run faster but I just hobbled on to the next disaster.
(from Peter and the Test Tube Babies, Foot Full of Bullets)


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